Friday, March 30, 2012

Silent Spanking

Hi There!

I have decided to stop actively maintaining this page.  I was running two pages and starting to feel like I was:

A - Spending too much time on the computer and
B - Slightly schizophrenic - since I approached each page differently.

This blog will remain up and I think there are still things on it that I will be referring to and referencing from time to time.

For now, the foreseeable future - you may find me over at Kitty - The Submissive Wife and kittythesubmissivewife-at-gmail.com.  If this link breaks, there is a link up there in the wine glass as well.  I hope to see you over there.

Kitty

P.S.  Silent Spanking is the number one search term that brings people here, and in the interest of furthering knowledge in that particular area, you should know, the silent ones are the most painful.  (Whether or not that is a good thing is well, not something I am going to comment on.)

Just an FYI IMHO.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Contract Negotiation Time - End of Discipline Desires

This is being posted on both my blogs.  I am ending my Discipline Desires blog.  It was set up when we thought that we might have a DD aspect to our relationship, but I think I can clearly say that is not going to happen.  Maintaining two blogs has actually been both fun and easy for me, but it is taking way too much of my time from other activities, so this one will be dormant for now.  (It will stay up, and I reserve the right to change my mind at some future point.)

I am moving Follow Friday over to Submissive Wife because, well, I like Follow Friday and so does H.  :)

Hi there!  This is just a quick note to summarize the thoughts from my conversations with H and the excellent discussion on Saturday's post - Everything is (Not) Rosy.  Additionally, Kitty at Sweet Surrender asked me a question about the contract we have, and I assume if one person is wondering, more people are wondering:

When you say you have a contract, what do you mean? A literal, signed contract?

H and I have a literal signed contract, ominously titled, "Contract of Consensual Ownership".  Over the last two months, I have shared several provisions in it on my Submissive Wife blog, where you can hit Contract in the word cloud.

I see a lot of people in various relationship dynamics have literal signed contracts and I think that it is important when you have been together for a long time to have a real starting place when embarking on a new adventure.  And also an ending place in case it doesn't work out for one reason or the other.  Our original term is just under three months from January 25 to April 15.

There is nothing of a financial or domestic nature in our particular contract.  It is actually quite good (for our relationship) and H put it together with what I can only imagine was months of research.  The exit plan is as follows:

11.0.0 Termination/Renewal of Contract

Renewal
On the above named date this contract will be reviewed, renegotiated and rewritten to include all addendums.  After the signing of the new contract, this contract and all addendums for said contract will be destroyed.

Termination
This contract may be terminated at any time by the Master, but never by Slave except during renewal of said contract or in the event of breach of said contract.

Upon termination, all actions between Master and Slave will be forgiven by both parties and they shall return to their previous relationship without blame or disappointment.

We have just under three weeks left and I think I can honestly say that both H and I want to renew.  But, this is my only chance for negotiation under the terms - as you see, I signed away those rights.  (Without too much thought, because H has always been very considerate of me and I had no reason to think that he would be otherwise in this case.)

Here is where we are at so far:

H does not want to punish me and, I don't think I have made this clear previously, I don't really want to be punished.  So, we agree on that.

I do want less control and possibly more pain in our sexual interactions.  We are working on this.

Maintenance is really important to us, but only as a calendar tool for making sure we are connecting very regularly and for advancing the pain interaction goal.

Other than that, the real issue is how submission takes place and whether or not it is enforced.  I have started to think of submission in one of two ways:

Sexual Submission - Rules of attire; service rules; safe words; others, etc. and
Soft Submission - Non-sexual submitting - letting H be the leader, domestic type items, things that could be summarized under the idea of "making a quiet home for us", etc.

For the most part, I think that punishment would fall under soft submission and I know that we don't have much about that in the current contract.  So as long as H doesn't have a rule related to behavior that is domestic, financial, parenting or what not, we don't really have a problem there.

The sexual submission area has one rule that I can not follow and that causes us the most trouble.  I am just going to throw it out there:


She looks as uncomfortable as I often feel when following this rule
Slave shall never in public or private close nor cross her legs in Master's presence, unless specific permission to do so is granted.  Slaves legs shall be spread so that no part of the legs touch each other but may be commanded to increase or decrease this as desired by Master.

I like the thought behind this rule - that H can access me whenever he wishes.  But, he never really has and it is not actually practical around the house in day to day life.

I break it often without noticing and then when I do notice, I notice that H doesn't notice.  This is really where the whole punishment thing breaks down.  It is a good rule, but completely impossible to enforce, so it must be changed.

Other than that, I would formalize maintenance or some type of scheduled interaction (that is practical) and there is one other provision that I think has conflicting direction, but I think we can more than continue into Phase 2 of this contract.  I am sure H will have much more input, and I look forward to it, because so far, he has been pretty amazing through all of this!

In other words, Everything IS Rosy.  :)

Wow, by "quick note", I guess I meant, strap in for a really long post.  Ha.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Everything is (not) Rosy

Does your capitalized half read your blog?  Mine does and knowing that may have an impact on what I write.

I mean, I try to be honest, but I called a "state of the contract" meeting the other night to discuss some misgivings and miscommunications and just plain missing parts related to this M/s contract that we have signed.  I approached it from the perspective that we have about one month left and it would be nice if some tweaks were made because I didn't feel very inclined to continue once the end date arrived.

To say he was a bit surprised that I had misgivings would be an understatement.  One of his comments, "I read your blog(s) and you seem really happy with how things are going."

Whoa.  Full stop.

First of all, I can't imagine ever truly being unhappy with H.  He is an amazing man who is about the best match I could ever imagine for myself.

Second of all, things would have to be REALLY BAD before I would publicly announce (even in an anonymous blog) that I was unhappy with H.  Especially one he reads.  That would be very bad form.  I like to think that I would talk to him first.

None of that means that I am completely satisfied.

We are stuck at the punishment part of it all.  H does not like to punish me.  We tried it once and he was not happy with my reaction.  And so he doesn't do it.  Apparently, I get one chance to react and if it is not how he expects, well, then that goes into the scrap pile.

Two problems with this - many BDSM practices that I fantasize about leave me a bit uncertain during the actual doing (especially the first time), so my reaction is never what he expects.  And then I never get to do it again.  (Boo, me.)

Second problem - H is a little gun shy on starting something and it makes me a little (a lot!) anxious.  (I am now editorializing H's feelings.)

I know that I should not complain that he is so thoughtful and responsive to me, and I am not, I just wish he was hearing my words on some of this stuff and not my first reaction.  I have NEVER used or even been close to using my safe word or my veto power.  Does that help?

Anyway, back to the punishment.  If H won't punish me, what is the point of having rules?  When I break them and nothing happens, it leaves me feeling like he doesn't care enough to try.  When in reality, he doesn't know what to do with it all.

It is kind of an uncompromising situation that destroys the whole premise of the relationship dynamic.

A dynamic that has added so many good things to our lives and that we both would like to continue to explore.  But we have to move past this punishment part.  Which means no rules.  Which means no contract.  Which means no spanking?  Big Sigh.

So, there you have it.  A less rosy picture of what is going on at Kitty and H's house.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Follow Friday 03-23-12

It's Friday!  Throughout the week, I gather posts that made me feel and share a few of them here.  I usually try to keep it to under five, so that you don't get weary.  :)  Please, enjoy!

I read this post from Rogue's Awakening last week and literally laughed about it for two days and then I couldn't remember where I had read it.  I was so happy to finally find it again.  So here it is - Ouch.

June and Ward from the50's dish have this post on vulnerability that speaks to a lot of things I am working on now.  I love the first (all of them actually) quote:  I finally discovered that my greatest fear is not being alone; it's being vulnerable.

Curvaceous Dee has written a beautiful thought about choosing to become more instead of less.  Her pictures are honest and somehow sensual as well.

This is completely self serving, but I saw this little item from, well, me the other day.  First of all, it is not often that I stay succinct, so that is worth checking out; and second of all, I had completely forgotten about this, the feelings and the thoughts I had.  It seemed like a good time to remind everyone of how far we have come and how far we have left to go.

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Fortune Cookie

How come I don't get fortune's like this???

Nipple Clamps (Again)

Searching for, um, nipple clamps (no, I am not telling you why) brought up this picture.  Really?


Although, to be fair, I find that I look at all kinds of things in a different manner than I used to.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

How We Met - Part II

This is in response to a question asked about how H and I met for March Q&A month.  It turns out that it is a long story - you can catch up with Part I here.  I decided to finish, because I have been thinking about it all morning and I have other things to do.  The walk down memory lane continues...

When you are single for a long time, you start to get quite a list going regarding what you want in a mate.  Here was my relatively short list:  single, no kids, no more than ten years older.  That's it.  I broke every rule when it came to H.  I figure that means this relationship is either very very right or very very wrong.

You really can't help who you fall in love with.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

H had made an unusual proposition to me, one with his wife's consent, but one which I could not fathom or stomach.  I was very uncomfortable when I had to be around him and I avoided unnecessary contact.  This went on for a while.  During that time, I turned 28 years old.

My birthday is always a time of reflection and this birthday pretty much sucked.  The boyfriend mentioned previously showed up on that day (awww, he remembered) and we had sex.  I told him that I missed him (I didn't) and that I still loved him (I don't) and begged him to stay (he left).  Nothing like hitting a girl on her down day.

That whole experience carried my normal birthday funk over for a couple of months.  What was I doing with my life?

Well, one day, about two months later, I was in the garage at work getting ready to leave and I saw H blow in on a motorcycle.  He looked so good (yes, motorcycles are sexy) and so alive, and while I had not thought about him at all, that kiss must have been marinating.

I drove over to where he was and quite unexpectedly (at least to me!), invited him to have sex with me.

He said, "Are you serious?"  Yes.

"Okay, lunch on Friday."

Friday rolled around and he followed me down the freeway to my apartment. I arrived first and went inside, shutting the door.  He knocked.  I opened it.  I started to say something and he just attacked me with his lips.  Months of pent up sexual energy came rushing out.  (I am so glad he did not let me speak, because I probably would have ruined it all right there.)

We went to the bedroom and had a funny moment when we realized no one had a condom.  Apparently, neither of us do this much anymore.  Since I was not on the pill and there was no condom, I ended up giving him a blow job (and apparently sealing my fate to that particular activity).  It was fantastic.

I normally don't tell people this, but I also don't normally tell people that I like to be spanked and desire to suck on H, so I am telling you.  For the next three months, we had a sexual relationship.  Yes, an affair.  Every possible chance we could get - in cars, in stairways, in elevators, in my apartment, and yes, even at their house.

Because there was no chance of a relationship, I constructed a Chinese Firewall, if you will, against any chance of feelings for H.  This is probably the only time I have ever been successful at this.  His wife still seemed to be out of town a lot and there seemed to be a lot of fights, but I did not encourage any stories and he is not one to over share.

About 2 and 1/2 months in, H asked, "What if I wasn't married anymore?"  I thought, yeah, that's how this works - you sleep with a married man and they leave their wife and you live happily ever after.  Not. "Well, you are, so..."

Christmas rolled around and H called and said, "I am coming to see you."

"No."  I said.  "You are not.  It is Christmas and Christmas is for family.  You are not family."  I was alone that day.

"I am coming over."

"No."  And I ended the conversation.  He respected my wishes and he did not come.  Which was good.

January came and I found out that he was alone and I had a couple of days off work, so I said, let's get out of here... and we took off to a bed and breakfast for two nights.

While we were there, H asked me if I thought that I could ever have feelings for him.  I said, "I have no idea.  I am not even contemplating that."

He told me that he and his wife had finished before Christmas and he wondered if I could care for him.  I literally lay with my back to him, his arm around me and pictured a real wall disintegrating into ashes and felt an overwhelming rush of love for this man that I had known for two years and through so much.

Two days later, I told him I loved him.  Three months later, he asked me to marry him.  And lest you think we rushed into anything, 18 months after that, we got married.  That was eight years ago.

I wish I could say it was all great, but the first six months were hard.  He was still in divorce proceedings, which everyone knows is a bundle of fun.

Also, we fought a lot - me because of guilt over how we started and him, I think, because he wanted to get married for the last time and needed to let me know for sure who he was and what he needed.  Since then, though, it has pretty much been all great.  I can't imagine any other man fitting with me so perfectly.

THE END

PS - On the very same day my wall broke away, probably around the same time, the wife cleaned out the bank accounts.  I always found the timing interesting - the universe telling you when something is really done.  I also think it was fitting - H and I are so very right for each other; but people were hurt on the way to us getting there.  I never forgot that.

How We Met - March Q&A

Riley from over at Vanilla Extract asked me two questions - So, are you participating in question month? If so, I want to know how you two met...

The first one is easy - absolutely, I am participating in question month... I hope you know that you can actually ask me anything at any time, but if you are needing a specific invite, this is it.  As I understand it, anything goes.

The second question - well, that's a bit longer.  But, I do love the stories that others are sharing, so I will give a stab at how we met.

When I first met H, I did NOT like him.  Picture a guy in a long trench coat swishing around work, often with sunglasses on and always with a minion right behind.  (That is how I pictured his co-worker, as a minion.)  It was my second job out of college, so I wasn't a newbie to the office environment, and when H showed up at my desk to take my laptop because "it was talking to other computers", I thought he was kind of an ass.  It's called a network, I laughed with my boyfriend of the time that night, it's supposed to talk to other computers.

Oh yes, I had a boyfriend.  H had a wife.

The company we worked for was small enough that you knew most everybody, but large enough that you didn't see them all the time.  Also, I was on the road a lot in the first year I was there.  I don't remember many more specific instances of seeing H after that first meeting.  He says he first noticed me in some green pants that looked nice on the ass.  I remember the pants, but not specifically seeing him.

We always tell people we met at the bowling alley.  Because that's a great place to meet hot men.


Our company had a bowling team, and I was a single gal who thought having a weekly activity to get me out of work was a good idea.  I suck at bowling.  H is really good and we can both appreciate a sport that allows you to drink, so we both played league.

The first year, H's wife was always there with him and I guess was a friend of mine as well.  My previously mentioned boyfriend was my most serious relationship to date (before H), and when it ended it was pretty not good.  I also did not behave the best about it.  I talked to H (and wife) about it a lot and then often about my disastrous attempts at dating again.  That is when we became friends.

The second year, H's wife did not come to the alley.  When I asked after her, she was always out of town.  I think there were problems, but he was never one to disrespect another, and he always changed the subject.  She essentially just disappeared (not like that!).  Other than one crazy phone call, I never saw her again.

Meanwhile, the mean guy at work turned out to have a soft side, bringing around candy to everyone on holidays and helping with personal computer issues, etc.  We became better friends.

You won't mock bowling now, will you?
Then one night, bowling ended early and the normal drinking crowd wasn't there.  I was still restless and I ended up with H in the bar for a game of pool and way too much alcohol.  There was a sexual tension between us that night that was pretty intense.  I think it had been building for a while, but he was married, and I was insane.  (Single bad girl behavior insane.)  I was pretty drunk when he took me to my car in the parking garage and I kissed him.

Oh my god - the greatest kiss ever.  Seriously, even inebriated, it was like drowning in passion.  I have no words to describe it, but here, 10 years and 1 month later, I can still recall the memory to my lips.  I would have fucked him right then and there.

In fact, I offered to do just that and he said, no.  I made some physical advances to try and change his mind, but he wasn't having me when I was drunk.  So, we went our separate ways that night.

The next day, H and I had lunch in a cafe and he said that he loved his wife, but that there were some problems in the bedroom due to medical concerns and that she had given him permission to take care of that externally.  Would I be interested in an affair?

By then, I had sobered up and remembered that I don't sleep with other women's men and no, I was not interested in that type of relationship.  Especially with the caveat that she would know who I was.  Definitely not.  (Makes me think of poly relationships etc. now, but back then, I had no framework for that type of thing and wanted no part of it.)

It was an awkward lunch and it ended with him watching me walk away.  We didn't really talk again for eight months.

This is getting long, so I broke it into two parts.  You can find Part II here.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Nipple Clamps


I was looking for pictures for a post on my other blog and I saw this.  It made me laugh, but it didn't work into the other post, so I am throwing it up here.  (Bonus:  I get to add nipple clamps to the word cloud!)  Happy Sunday!


Saturday, March 17, 2012

Because I am a Witch

I once saw a thing that said, tone over the Internet is hard to decipher, so when in doubt, just assume I am a bitch.


There is a vulnerability in D/d, I have seen many posts on it and I have felt it myself.  Maybe it is because we are trying something so different than many of us thought of when we were young.  Or maybe it is because, for the first time for many of us, we are being honest, even if we are being anonymous.

Anyway:  vulnerability + blog town = some miscommunication.

Add in the fact that I am naturally sarcastic and I find myself treading in comments really carefully and even pre-emptively apologizing.  I have hurt people without intention in face to face conversations, so I am sure that possibility exists here x10.

I joke when I say assume I am a bitch, when in reality, I am exactly the opposite, concerned almost too much about what others think.

Which puts me in mind of a bumper sticker I saw - Don't worry about what other people think, they don't do it that often.

Just something I was thinking about as I was lurking through blog town tonight.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Silent Spanking

There were two instances this week when H had some spanking to do and there was no time that we were going to be without J, our amazing funny lovable son.  Time to get serious about making something happen without making so much noise.

So H brought out the feather tickler to test its noise level.

I actually love this tickler - both sides.  Note that the handle is tightly bound with ribbon, making it a touch less "whippy".  He has used it most effectively during our lovemaking in the past.  In fact, the first time I ever came from spanking alone, it was with this.

I had just come from the shower, all warm and relaxed.  He invited me to kneel on the seat of the chair.  I had my hands on the back and my bottom sticking out a bit.

"Very nice."

A Good Girl, Bad Girl Toy

STING.  STING.  STING.  AAAAAH!  OOMPH.   HOLY.... GAH!
STING.  STING.  STING.  GASP, GASP, GASP.  OH MY, WHIMPER.

And H stopped.  Six was apparently enough.  There were very detailed, very precise red stripes straight across my bottom.  I thought, Hey, you should take a picture of that.

"It is quieter!"

Yeah, but I'm not....

So, when he brought it out the second time, I was like, "Seriously?"

Seriously.

I was looking for a picture of one on Eden Fantasy (so that you would not have to suffer mine above) and I could not find one, but I did find something similar that was titled "Fresh Feather Crop."

Dammit, I was striped with a crop.  With no warm up whatsoever.  WTH?!?!?!!

But.............

10 minutes later (both times), I was gushing wetness.  I had to wear panties.  (And I hate underwear!)

Once again, something uncomfortable during, but completely engrossing in retrospect.

Sigh.  I guess if I am being honest, I have to tell the whole story.  H had some spanking to do in two instances because I asked for an additional spanking this week.  I asked the evening after the first feather riding crop incident.

AND I keep thinking of that silent thing PK bought on purpose.

Oh Lordy, what is going on with me?  SMH.

____________________________________________________


If you are reading this and you have information on or can link me to other posts discussing the body's changing sensitivities, please help.  I imagine that things smart more during your period, but does recently getting out of the shower have an impact, the time of day, age, fairness of skin, anything else???  Thanks in advance.

Also, I am enjoying all the answers in March Q&A month, and I hope you know you can always ask me questions, but just in case you were waiting to be invited, this is your invite.  As I understand it, anything goes.

Follow Friday 03-16-12

It's Friday!  I gather posts all week and then share with you the ones that made me think, laugh, get turned on, whatever.  This week was a busy week, and it was difficult to pick just a few.

Lil at Submissive Sanctuary has done it again.  Taken a difficult subject, one of abuse versus consensual and described it in a way that others can understand.  My favorite part of this post is that it is both complete and concise.  Despite her repeated assurances, no coffee needed to get there.  :)

This erotic poem from 1manview ends just exactly where I stand after a spanking.

I think Jake of Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds is both funny and informative.  This post on bondage positions for blow jobs qualified as one of those posts that "I should definitely tell H about."  Or, maybe not.  (The second position both intrigues and worries me.)

This post by Shelby Cross on Domspeak made me Laugh Out Loud.  "You are about to get fucked."

Finally, I am just going to insert this picture, which I love, but I found it here.



Have a great weekend!  Keep sharing your great thoughts and stories - I so love this town.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Hmmm, I guess not.

Yesterday, I mentioned that I thought maintenance had served its purpose and let H know so that He could take it under advisement.

Hmmm, I guess not.

Once again, He brought coffee and a spanking to the office.  I thought I might have been out of it when He said that He had to go.  I turned to my computer to start working and then noticed He was still standing there.

"It's Tuesday."

I know that.  I never forget these things.  And so we got the maintenance on - and a couple of things I should note (if we are being honest):

1. I thought He went light on the number of spanks and I was both relieved and disappointed.  (I can never count and am not required to, so I could be wrong.)

2. I welcomed the idea of the slapper that we have, but He wanted His hand.  Turns out it smarts a bit too.

3.  I would have been disappointed if He hadn't done it.  (Take that for what it's worth.)

Thank you, Sir.  (A bit begrudgingly.)

Picture Credit to Red Ended Girls.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Maintenance (Again)

I told H yesterday that maintenance, for now, had served it's purpose and I was okay to stop.  He looked at me completely bewildered.  "In my opinion.  Of course, it is up to You."  I hastily added.

Truth be told, I am having a rough time right now.  Not because of TTWD, but because of other truths we have to deal with in our lives.  And I feel like I am getting too shrill around having maintenance as a stopgap for my other fears.

I guess what I am trying to say is that maintenance has become the primary interaction when we are too tired for anything else, which is lately, every day.  Me too, not just H.  And I never wanted our sex life to be a checklist item.

I am okay with the idea of scheduling sex (Wednesdays and Sunday afternoons?), but only if it is not the only times it is considered.  And lately, without maintenance, there would be blessed little else.

Not counting yesterday, which was a double header.  :))

Friday, March 9, 2012

Follow Friday 03-09-12

It's Friday!  When I take a few moments and share some of the blogs that spoke to me this week.  There are many more, but I am trying to keep it both fun and simple.

A pretty old post from Spanky at Bright Bottom, but I thought, Oh my goodness, what a great idea - a blowjob bell!  Thought I would share.

This is a lovely letter to the HOH who is trying to figure out why his wife suddenly wants to be spanked. It is chock full of good pointers.

Riley wrote this about the Stress of Inconsistency and then I saw people asking about it everywhere for the next two days, so it is worth sharing here.

Finally, Conina wrote a post that describes a sexual experience that hits many of my needs and desires as well - it is pure ecstasy.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Why Blog?

Lil at Submissive Sanctuary wrote on who she is blogging for today and it reminded me that I had been meaning to say something about this topic.  She does a nice job of describing how a blog changes when people start reading it, and I hope she doesn't mind if I add a thought or two.

One thing that I see in myself (and perhaps others) is the tendency to track readers.  Sex and drama, that brings them back.  Oh, and good pictures.

I was actually pleased today to find that someone had hit my submission blog after searching for:

"submissive wife" stockings dress -sissy -cuckold
 
What was that person looking for?  And more importantly, did they find it?  If it is you, please send me an e-mail at kittythesubmissivewife at gee mail and let me know!
 
I blogged initially because it was in the contract.  I was required to do so.  I see a lot of people with this requirement and I think that it has been helpful to me and to H.  He does not approve my blogs, but He does read them all after they post.  He never comments on them, which annoys me - like He gets to know what I think, but I don't get to hear His thoughts.  Oh wait, this IS a power exchange.  Never mind, H, I am not complaining.  :)
 
If I speak out of turn about something personal, I expect He would let me know, but so far, I have been allowed to have my own thoughts. This is not a comment on others who have blog approval requirements, but I have to believe that my stuff would read differently if H had to approve it first.
 
We would lose something in the honesty.
 
I also blog because I have had several pent up sexual questions inside of me for years and finally being allowed, nay encouraged, to air them has been like a breath of fresh air.  Funny thing is, I didn't know they were there until I had an outlet.  Kind of like seat warmers in the car.  If you have them, you know what I mean.
 
It turns out that blogging is not only about writing, but also about reading what others have to say and learning from them... Hey H, did you know you could make a butt plug out of some kind of root???  Please feel free to tell me if you have already explored a topic that I am writing about - I am here to learn as well as to share.
 
But, after all that, I blog for me.
 
This is a journal; it is a topical one about submission, sex, H and I.  Nothing more. 
 
Thank you for sharing our journey.

Spankings, Spankings Everywhere

I think Maintenance Spankings are becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.  Pun intended.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE knowing that no matter what, three times a week I am getting my bottom smacked.  I don't know why I love that, I just know I do.  H and I have both accepted that.  And I hope they continue to be a priority

However, let's talk about the last four spankings I have had:

Saturday on vacation - our first outdoor adventure.  We were hiking and found a quiet place that I thought, well, this would be perfect for a spanking.  H thought so too, but then He decided to scout about a bit more for an even better place... and well, we ran into a thousand other hikers.  (Okay, not a thousand, but a few seemed like a lot when you are thinking about an outdoor spanking.)

Eventually, we found our way back to the original quiet place and even though it wasn't as quiet, we went ahead and did it.  After, we heard people above us who may not have seen anything, but they were likely to have heard it.  I have a great picture H took of me right after, where my shoulders are dropped, my head is down and my bottom is bare.  The relaxing of the body compared to the picture before the spanking is very apparent.

Rating - Good.  Up for being out doors; Down for being frustrated by the search for the perfect spot.

Sunday on vacation - this was the morning after the Lap Dance and we were both a little "dry" from too much alcohol the night before.  The hotel had no in-room amenities, so H was on His way downstairs to find some water and coffee.  He said, "I need some water and to take my pills."

Knowing how long the lines were downstairs and that He would be in a rush to get out the door to our tee time when He got back, I said, "What about my spanking?"  Sunday is a maintenance day.

He said, "Bend over."

"Right now??"

"Yes.  I need some water and to take my pills."  Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack...

And then He left to get some water and to take His pills.

Rating - Fair.  No touching, talking or kissing.  Of course, later in the day, H said that He thought it was kind of fun.  Like remembering to turn off the oven before running out the door.  Hmmm...

Tuesday back at home - A quickie that I already detailed.

Rating - Good.  It happened and I got coffee.  :)

Thursday (today) at home - Last night, H told me he had an early appointment and my first thought was what about my maintenance spanking?  He said we would just have to get up early.  Well, J (our son) also got up early, making me all kinds of crabby.  I get on a mission sometimes about this spanking business.

H turned on the music in the kitchen and I got J eating his breakfast.  I came in the back where H had music on as well and closed the door to the office, ready to be spanked.

And H decided to dance with me.  He likes to dance, and I get that, but I was on a schedule... J can eat fast.

Frustrated, I pushed H back a bit and gave a really bitchy sigh.  So, H leaned me over and smacked away.  Then He touched my breasts and it was an amazing feeling.  And then we went on about our day.  I am not as stressed, but still, it felt a bit rushed and H was foiled in his romantic attempts.

(This puts me in mind of last night's post, on what does submission feel like, I am wondering if giving into H on the issue of romance would be submission to me?  I think it might, but I digress.)

Rating - Good.  Up for the touching, dancing and kissing; down for the worry about J and the tight scheduling.

Conclusion - Maintenance spanking is desirable for my moods right now, but I am just a little too worried about making sure it happens.  Perhaps I don't trust H to make it a priority and I am not sure if that is fair or not.

Also, it seems to be replacing sex as we have had less and less of that lately, but I need to withhold judgement on that - energy at the end of the day is so not what it once was between vacation activities, busy times at work and busy schedule for J.

Sex after the spanking - that is definitely something I want.  We have energy in the morning and spanking gets my whole body tingling.  The cuddling, touching, etc. just further inflames my desire.  I have only been allowed two blow jobs since we began maintenance and it is not enough.  I suspect H thinks that if we have sex then, nothing else will get done the whole day.

Spanking with the sex - that is also desired - H was rubbing me last night to help me relax and I kept thinking, "A good smack would be nice right about now."

Oh, who knew that I was such a spanko?

And to make a long post even longer - I have no way to end this other than to reiterate my beginning - I think Maintenance Spankings are becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.

All pictures courtesy Spank-OTK on Tumbler.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Are you okay?

One of the things I do over and over and over is ask H, "Are you okay?"

I know it annoys Him.  I ask so much that it even annoys me.  I used to just ask Him in regards to His mood and His health, but lately, I have been asking if He is okay with spanking me.

He keeps saying, "You already asked me that.  I am fine."  I wonder when He is going to make a rule about asking, since it is getting so tiresome.

I started contemplating why I would keep asking.  He says He is fine.  He is doing it and seems to be in tune with it.  I wondered if I was asking because I was looking for a different answer.

Example: "You know, I never imagined that I would spank a full grown woman and it is really causing me to face up to a few things about myself."

Example 2:  "I actually hate it, but I am willing to do it because I love you."

Example 3:  "No, I am not okay."

So, the question is, why would I be looking for a different answer?  It clearly doesn't exist.  Trust me, I have asked.

Maybe I am just hoping to have a little drama open up.  Drama is so much more interesting than having everything work, isn't it?  Sigh.

The only other thing I can think is that I am not sure that I am fully accepting of this part of me.  This raging desire to feel submission.

And if I don't accept myself, why would He do it?  Of course, that is ludicrous, but I have a little history of projecting my own insecurities onto loved ones.

And while I am on the subject, I don't think I have felt submission.  Dressing according to rules, kneeling before Him, receiving spankings, giving blow jobs on demand (or more likely, when I ask), etc. does not make me feel submissive.  It makes me feel like me.

What does submissive feel like?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Quickie

It is maintenance Tuesday.  I knew (hoped!) that H had not forgotten, but with company still in the house from vacation, I wondered if I would have to wait until they left.

As I was leaving for work, H said, "I'll go get you a coffee and bring it by your work."

I got to work and pulled out the slapper that we found last week and put it on my desk, just in case H thought I forgot.  Or in case He forgot.

He showed up and I pointed at it, "Where did you want to store this?"

He said, "Oh, in a drawer.  Wait.  It IS Tuesday."

"Yes it is."  Did He forget????

"That is why I'm here."  He did not forget.

He took me into the server room where we have a chair for this very purpose.  I pulled up my skirt and bent over and He used the slapper on me.  A lovely sting on my bottom and a slight wettening in my pussy.

H:  "I like this.  I don't have to swing as hard and I get the same effect."

I reached over and brushed His hardened cock.  "The same effect?"

Then He left to take company back to the airport for their trip home.

Just a quickie, but I have a bottom that smarts (in a good (no, great) way) AND coffee.

What more could a girl ask for?

Monday, March 5, 2012

D*mn Underwear - Another tale in an infrequent series

I originally wrote a post in February about my frustrations with underwear (and the lack there-of).  As part of our contract, H has requested that I adorn my private parts so that my pussy is available as often as possible.  As a result, I wash a whole lot less underwear.

Well, it goes on.  This weekend, while we were out of town, we went golfing and hiking and golfing again, and these activities are much better undertaken in pants, which generally require the wearing of underwear.

From the minute I put them on in the morning until the minute I took them off when we got back to the hotel, they drove me completely crazy - panty lines, crawling up the ass, and oh god, the moisture.  Moisture trapped between my legs.  Blech.

It has only been a month since I began to wear significantly less underwear, but I am already so much more comfortable without.  My thighs no longer chafe and unless I am somewhere really warm, I do not hold onto any sweat.  That may be different come summer, but for now, I actually don't notice the lack of underwear at all, while the wearing is a constant irritant.

As a side note, I did not mind the underwear at all during my period.  It is just different.

Not me - and no, girls don't get to touch either!
Ah, but here is the part where this story takes a turn to the raunchy... While on vacation, H indulged one of my fantasies, one of my bucket list items - He got me a lap dance at the strip club.

I have always wondered what that was like, and the actual experience is a whole post in itself (more properly posted on my submissive blog), but I will say that once we found the right gal to do it, it was well worth doing.

Now, this was my desire, H has never enjoyed the strip club experience, so He hung back and watched from afar.  (He is such a fantastic husband!)

Once all was said and done, H reported that from His viewpoint off to the side, it appeared that all the other dancers/lap girls in the club noticed my lack of underwear.  The woman who gave me my dance started with a spreading of my legs and I was wearing a knee length skirt which apparently slid up to my thighs.

I had quite an audience at the club as my clit appeared to be on display.  It is probably worth noting that we were at a topless only bar, so I was showing more than they were down there.  (Whoops!)

I joked with H that they were probably trying to figure out what that brown curly patch of stuff was (we do NOT prefer completely bare there as of yet) and He laughed.  In retrospect though, I know this would never have been an issue if I was a boy on the receiving end of that dance!

Damn underwear (and the lack of it) - causing me all kinds of grief.  SMH.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Follow Friday 03-02-12

It's Follow Friday!  And, all things willing, I am out of town... so enjoy - I will be back with tales to tell next week!  (Or, maybe sooner, if H sleeps in like He always does.)

I LOVED this post from the male point of view on why "too much submission" is bad...

This was posted last week by Hermione, who I don't know, but in case you didn't see it, There's an app for that.  We joke about all the apps they have, so I couldn't pass on adding this one.

And just for fun: Spanked in the Shower...

This is a very informative (long) article on the why's and the how's of Domestic Discipline. I had time, so I read it all, but if you do not, I especially liked Part 2 and the very end that had a few reminders on how to spank safely (if it has been a while, she will be much more sensitive than if it hasn't, etc.) 
I linked over from a post at Bright Bottom.

Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Breaking a Woman - Part III

I have posted this.  I have pulled it down.  H asked after it today, so I am putting it up and leaving it.

This is really a postlude, but since there may be more parts as time goes on, I will leave it as Part III.

I wrote Parts I and II in a fevered night and I scheduled Part II to post two days later.  I am not a fan of blog scheduling, but I wanted to sit with it for a few days in case I wanted to make a change.  I changed nothing.

A majestic union - what is that?  I wrote those words - "I want to be part of a majestic union. I know that can only happen with one person in charge."

Seems fair to further expound on what I picture.  Because He is not a mind reader...

I picture U/us.  But I picture a slightly different me.  Back to that in a minute.

I know it is important to Him when I go to bed.  I know that He would never want to make a rule about that, but if it became really important to our happiness or our health, then I would want Him to make a rule about it.

And I would expect Him to enforce it.  I need help with those kinds of things sometimes.

If we only have one rule, it is fine with me - I don't need a "fake DD" relationship with a random list of rules to create a situation for spanking.  I don't want to know the proper way to spank your wife's bottom or when You can rub it or whatever.  I don't want to hear that spanking and sex don't go together - for us, they absolutely do.  Except when they don't.  And that is okay too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know He doesn't want to change me.  It is not His responsibility to make me more responsible.  He actually loves me as I am.  And, trying to change people is tricky business.  Unless, of course, they want to change.

As it happens, there is one little thing that I want to change about me.  Just one thing.

I have never fully let go with anyone.  I have never loved completely.

Not my son.  Not my friends.  Not God.  Not my parents.  Not even Him.  Not even me.  I have come closest with Him and with my son, but I think I came out of the womb an independent soul.  I function as if I could be left alone at any time.  (Come to think of it, so does He - but that is a different blog.)

Right now, I am not alone.  I am with a man who IS a man.  And, from Him, I want Him to care for me, all of me.  While He can.

I want to feel complete submission to Him.

Every good thing that I am now - a wife, a mom, a business owner, a woman - owes a major piece to Him.  And that was from before.

Everything I have read about a submissive lifestyle, and everything that I have experienced so far, leads me to believe that I have a chance to get there within this framework.

I can't promise that I will be happy if I do get there.  I also can not promise that our relationship will be the same.

I CAN promise that there is no one else that I would want to try this with.

I CAN say that I want to see if I can let go.

You keep asking me to Mean It.  I do.

Ouch!

We have company staying this weekend to watch the kid while H and I take off for a few days... yay!  In preparation last night, we pulled out all the toys to figure out what to take and what to hide away.

First of all, we are missing a drawer somewhere.  Either that, or some things have wandered off???

It looks just like this - pic from Eden Fantasys
Second of all, we found a lovely slapper that we had forgotten about.  H wondered if it was quieter than his hand and decided to give it a quick try.

One, NOT quieter.

Two, Ouch!

"That smarts."  Me.

"Are you complaining?" H.

Me - "What?  No!  That was just a status update.  Definitely not a complaint."

H.  "I like this one for your work.  It will fit nicely in a drawer."  So, it sits in my purse ready to go to work, where it will likely get used again.

And seriously, my bottom is a little tender from all the work sitting and maintenance Tuesday and well, ouch.  (Just a status update, not a complaint.  Really.)

I was also informed that while on vacation, we will have two maintenance spankings to make up for when H was sick.  If I have that right, between regular maintenance and the missed ones, I am getting spanked every day we are gone, except maybe Monday.  I think that sounds delightful.

(Hopefully, at least one sensual spanking as well - it's been a while.)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My Bottom Hurts

No, not from spanking - sorry.  From sitting all day - I worked 12 hours yesterday to make up for time lost while being sick and now I have re aggravated my cold.  Today is also looking like a long day.

We are planning a weekend away and I NEED to get better.  So does H.

I took the post, Breaking a Woman - Part III, down.  I just felt like it was too much. I am finished with that series for now.

Come to think of it, maybe my bottom does hurt from spanking.  I had my maintenance spanking on Sunday and it smarted for a bit longer than it has been.  I moved my ass into the spanking and inadvertently drew some smacks on my upper thighs.  That plus the all day sitting makes for a sore tushy.

My bad.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Breaking a Woman - Part II

This is Part II of something I HAD to write.  It may be helpful to start with Part I.

Everywhere I look in the real world - I see women struggling to define what a complete life looks like.  Maybe there are too many choices.  And whether it is nature or conditioning, we look to men as one of our stabilizing sources.

I mentioned earlier that centuries of evolution have brought women to a point where they struggle to feel feminine within their "equality". They crave a masculine presence and strong guidance.

A pretty inflammatory opinion in certain circles, but let's just say this is true and not insulting in any way to women.

It is out of this craving that certain relationships have been born - TTWD, DD, D/s, whatever.  And these relationships are based upon a mutually negotiated power exchange.

I agree to give You power over my schedule/my attire/my speech/my everything.

And with that power, I also give You something that is not given too freely in today's society, if ever - I give You absolute trust. I invite You to break me.

I want to be part of a majestic union.  I know in my heart that can only happen with one person in charge.

Everywhere I look in the BDSM world - I see women struggling to guide their Master into what a submissive life looks like.  I am totally guilty of this - mostly through these blogs.  And this behavior is somewhat encouraged - after all, communication is key.  Right?

I see REALLY good advice about making sure you know what you are requesting.  Be clear on your hard limits.  If you want more, define it.  Be specific.  Be prepared for what you ask.  And the most often repeated advice:  He can not read your mind.

I know You are not a mind reader.

Likewise, I have never been broken.

And, here's the thing - I can not break myself. 

You have to do it.

I do not know how to be specific on what I want - other than to say, more.

You have given me a safe word AND veto power.

I don't need to and really can't, guide anything else.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Breaking a Woman - Interlude

You can find Part I of Breaking a Woman here.  Part II is coming tomorrow, but in the meantime, an interlude.

Joyce Rupp is a Spiritual Guide and a Nun.  Her book Open the Door has played a part in my journey into submission.  I recommend it for connecting with the part of you that may be resistant to being open.

She penned this poem "at a time when love and grace were present" for her.  It is very apt to where I am going with Breaking a Woman.  And I could say it to Him:

Truth
Go ahead, look at me, through me,
for you see what I hide from myself
and the rest of the world.
Go ahead, take those clear eyes
and pierce the falseness with your reality.
Draw open the thick door of my pretensions,
my less than perfect self.
My heart shivers under your penetrating gaze.
Only because your wisdom is stronger
than my dread, do I accept (hesitantly)
what you bring to my freshly opened door.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Breaking a Woman - Part I

I have risen from my bed tonight because I was tossing and turning.  I HAD to write this.  But it is a very touchy subject and I pray that I handle it in the way I need to.  It has at least two parts.  Maybe more.

There are many ways to break a woman.

This is what is scary.

Centuries of evolution have brought women to a point where (American) society accepts that they can stand on their own.  They can speak their own mind.  They can be whatever they make of themselves.

But even then, there are many women whose spirits are beaten down.  Their men break them. And not in a good way.

We pour our time, our hearts and our money into helping women who find themselves on the wrong side of an unequal relationship.  A non-consensual relationship where, in the search for acceptance and love, they have been systematically broken.  And without help, they often can not escape.

The patterns of domestic abuse are well documented - isolation from friends and family; periods of tension followed by increasingly painful abuse and punishment; followed by a period of reconciliation or the Honeymoon phase.  Often the tension and punishments come out of nowhere - a towel isn't hung right; a sentence isn't phrased correctly.  She never knows when a misstep will bring back the anger and the pain.

She is told she can not leave, she is His.

In sharp contrast to that situation, centuries of evolution have also brought women to a point where they struggle to feel feminine within their "equality".  They crave a masculine presence and strong guidance.

If they can match this craving with a willing partner, they express it privately, often away from friends and family; through a negotiated list of behaviors followed by agreed upon punishments and a period of reconciliation or aftercare.  The punishments may still come out of nowhere - a towel isn't hung right; a sentence isn't phrased correctly.

I will say this once and leave it be - just because you negotiated and agreed to something does not mean you consented.  If you agree because you feel you have to in the name of acceptance and love, that does not mean you consented.  And if this is the only lifestyle you have ever known, you were raised this way, I will always find it hard to believe that you consented.  If you are in one of these relationships and you did not consent - I beg you to seek assistance now.

I hope you know that there IS a difference - intellectually and in my bones, I do.  But, I, for one, still struggle with the conditioning of my generation and the fact that this D/s relationship so completely mirrors the cycle of abuse.  Sometimes when I picture where a submissive dynamic can and does go, I picture the wrong version.

I watch blogs that I follow like a hawk for tell-tale signs of abuse, not consent.  It feels like a line we walk.

So for this part, Part I of Breaking a Woman, I wish to interject a different image for when I picture where this can and does go.  The following video is what came to my mind.



To me, being broken is noble, it is nature, it is poetry - it is two creatures displaying a union of strengths without abuse or belittling of either participant. Both are strong, but One is in charge.  THIS - this is the image that I think of when I talk about submission. Being broken - in a majestic way.

To be continued...

Friday, February 24, 2012

Spank Me Please

I can not believe it, but I am staring at Him, and even though He is feeling a bit better, He is by no means better.  Even sick, He is sexy to me.  And I am randomly reading spanking blogs - just found 1950's Housewife - hilarious.

So, of course, having missed maintenance this week, and with the reading material - I start wondering - He isn't really THAT sick, is He?  He could spank me.

Oh my.  What is wrong with me?  So selfish.  But I don't think He minds - I know He would if He could.

Love You.  Get better soon.

Follow Friday 02-24-12

It is Follow Friday on Twitter (or used to be) and I thought that I would follow the tradition with the articles that I read this week that spoke to me.

A tale of maintenance spanking accomplished all in one day - 100 smacks every thirty minutes.  Good Hell -why does the idea of it both horrify and excite?

The concept of Dom drop, which I never heard of, but which I often wonder about with Sir, as described here.  Either way, this fellow's perspective on it should be heard.

Oh, and I have been totally into the DD stories lately, so here are some little ones that I found:

A snippet of an erotic story that definitely tittilated me - Silent Discipline.  I had to immediately purchase the book on Amazon and send it to my Kindle for later perusal.

And finally, a super adorable story from Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts (you all know her, right?) about her first spanking.  I loved the story, although, I don't think that I have desired spanking since I was a child - is it okay to come to this late, or is it something you are born with?  Come to think of it, I have the same questions about lesbianism all the time too.  Hmmm.

Hope you enjoy one or more of these.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Sick and more sick ...and Desires too

He is so sick.  I am sick too, but not nearly as much as He is.  I am not a natural caretaker, but we had just gotten to a point where the intimacy of our D/s relationship was really kicking in and I miss being close with Him.  I know He misses it too.

This is NOT a complaint, just an acknowledgement that things are on hold for a bit, more or less.  He did provide my maintenance spanking on Tuesday, but we missed Sunday and this morning.  Not for lack of desire - but really, He is sick.  And I wish I could do more to help.

The fact that He is so strong and does not really want help when He is sick has got me thinking about the other aspects of our lives.  He definitely approaches this relationship as a means to pleasure me.  To meet my fantasies.  He responds to things I say I like in life and on these blogs, but other than the dress code, He has never expressed fully what He wants to do to me.  Or what His fantasies are.

I have asked directly, but He has always deflected the question.  So far, I think my fantasies and my experimentation has taken Him in directions that He hadn't previously contemplated, and so that is a good way to approach things.  I also know that He believes He has told me, but words are important to me (and to my sensuality) and actions are harder for me to decipher with certainty.  I am not a mind reader (and neither is He).

I am not sure that I know how to please Him unselfishly.  I have been on a run of reading historical romance novels lately.  I enjoy escapism literature and the historical novels have a submissive aspect to them (because of the time period they are set in) that I am only recently fully appreciating.  (Wink, wink.)

I have also noticed that there is a very compelling case to be made for the more experienced man getting together with the naturally sexual virgin young woman.  He gets to train her on the finer arts of pleasuring Him.  And she is so eager to learn.

I would like to be trained.  I feel eager to learn.

I know that He wants a woman who dresses like a woman.

I know that He wants me to lay down sometimes and shut up, so that He can enjoy licking me and immersing Himself in the smells and tastes.
I know that He appreciates the relaxation and the romance part and that I sometimes rush Him to the fucking.

I know that He wants to be the Man.

I know that He wants a woman who can keep up intellectually and humorously.  One who is successful in all endeavors - her work and her life.

I know that He values loyalty above all else.  He does not countenance disrespectful talk and would be more hurt by me saying disparaging things about Him to others than He would be by sexual infidelity.  Infidelity would hurt too, but not as much as a lack of respect.

Luckily, I have never had a problem with either of those - because I totally love Him and I know that He works hard every day to keep me happy.  So, there is nothing to disparage and I can't imagine even finding another who could meet my many needs.  I have never once felt compelled to try.

For me, it is back to trust... some day, He will trust me enough to open a part that He reserves just for Him and tell me all the things He really really wants.  Without concern for whether or not it is something I want.  Even though we have been together for a decade and we are probably more in tune with each other than with any one who has come before, there are still a few walls.

Maybe on both of O/our parts.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Love

Everyone is still sick.  He came in and sat with me as I went to sleep last night and held my hand.  I love Him so much.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Trust

Note:  This post is more of a musing than a desire.  All day, when I thought of posting, I thought about trust, but I thought of it from several different viewpoints throughout the day.  I found that interesting and so, in the end, I decided to just ponder trust itself.

It is all about trust, isn't it?  From the moment you meet someone, there are a series of cliffs you jump off as relationships progress.  Some people reach a cliff that they can't take and the relationship ends.  Others (God knows why) continue to move forward.  Your first kiss, your first sexual experience, marriage, family - Trust.

The cliffs eventually come further and further apart and finally, you settle into a life together.  You may see the ugly head of jealousy appear once in a while, but you are not asked to really leap like you were in the beginning.

And then something happens.

Someone changes.

It is no one's fault - people change.  Sometimes, one person's heart takes them in a new direction.  Whether or not they follow that direction, trust is lost.  Love has changed and it is not what it was.

Sometimes, it is not their heart that moves, but their desires.  They admit to themselves, and maybe to their partner, a need.  The need takes on legendary proportions because it is the first time, in a long time, that there has been a cliff.

I guess a desire is still an action of the heart.

When two people really love each other, they will do most anything to try and grow together.  To adjust to the changes of one or the other.  And sometimes it works out.

But, mostly, we don't hear those stories.

This story will be one of the ones that works out, if I have anything to say about it.

But in the meantime, I am working on my trust.  Not that I am worried about others (for a change).  Actually, those fears that have plagued me for years have actually completely vanished.  As soon as we signed a contract, I no longer worried.

Rather, I am trusting that the things I am doing and the me that I am being will be what He actually wants and/or will live with.  Sometimes, when we get what we want, we don't want what we get.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Follow Friday 02-17-12

It is Follow Friday on Twitter (or used to be) and I thought that I would follow the tradition with the articles that I read this week that spoke to me:

This one from A Daddy and His Girl was very instructive on how to train a sub to come or not come on command.  Expecting it to just happen because You said so apparently does not always work.  (Gasp.)

There is another Kitty (big surprise), who has a fantastic blog to follow and this one was just HOT HOT HOT.  And since I am talking about her, this article about Australian kisses has great pictures and is totally cute.

For a more somber tone, and a bit of education, I read a nice post from Christian DD dot com on the Husband's Role in DD.   Ironically, it helped me get to a place where I am more comfortable in a "Spanko" sexual environment than a strictly DD dynamic.  If you have no desire to plow through it all, the last sentence in the next to last paragraph pretty much sums it up for me:

...a regularly spanked woman who knows she can come to her man for a maintenance or erotic spanking is less likely to act out to get one through discipline that she may end up regretting.

And finally, Master located a pretty fantastic skirt here that ironically only came in sizes too big for me, when He was shopping.  Just now, though, I noticed they have added additional sizes.  Woo hoo!

Spanko Skirt

I know I read many more great things, but since I only thought to add this Friday feature recently, I did not track them all - but I will do so in the future.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Transitions

Tuesday morning was one of the best mornings in a while and it was followed by one of the worst nights in a while.  I think I have figured out what is going on there.

That morning, maintenance spanking was re-instituted and I received some nice over the knee swats.  It was preluded with the rubbing and admiration of my ass and my clothing followed by the spanking.  While there was some pain during the actual getting, I found myself pushing my bottom up more to receive after the second one.

As with all sexual play, the more you initiate enjoyment, the more you get and having my ass a bit higher in the air (having to hold it off His lap) helps.  (As a side note, I did the same thing this morning and yes, it is a right move for me.)

After the spanking was over, we spent a few minutes together and I ended up on my knees in front of Him with His cock in my mouth.  Again, I got into it as I imagined sucking the greatest lollipop ever and took it all the way deep for as long as I could.  Eventually, He was close to coming and it thickened even more and I had to let a little bit out of my throat as I swallowed everything He had to give me.

I am being detailed about the blow job, because that is exactly how I experienced it - with a great deal of observation about the changes in His body and my reaction to it.  I was totally into sucking it as well as I could.  I have mentioned before that I love to go down on Him, but Tuesday, it was a whole different thing.

I left for my day and spent the whole commute (which was longer than usual as I had off-site work to do) with my head in the clouds.  I don't think it was subspace per se, but the adrenaline high that I got from having a spanking followed by me serving Him is different than anything I have ever experienced.  That is the first time that I have had both experiences at the same moment and then had to go function in society.  Usually, when lots of stuff is happening, sleep follows soon thereafter.

I did not for one minute mind that I was not "taken care of" because really, I was.  No, I did not orgasm, but I did get a whole lot of something.  I hope I get many more opportunities to serve all those roles as we go forward.

Extreme pleasure, Extreme let-down

So why was it the worst night?  Well, I need to figure out how to transition back to life.  And I don't mean work or other people - I did great at work - focused all day, got done what I needed to get done, had a nice evening with my family.

But I got to bed that night and man was I grouchy.  Or not grouchy, more irritated in a dissatisfied kind of way.  He had a full day and had gone to sleep earlier.  On my way in, He got up for a bit to see me, but it was just going to be a "normal" night.  We sleep, we cuddle, we are married.  You know.  For some reason, and I think this is the adrenaline crash talking here, I was just irritated.  That irritation led to all kinds of tossing, turning and random destructive thoughts.

I haven't figured out how to transition with Him.  We are not 24-7 D/s, we are bedroom only with some public attributes.  It was very important at the outset that we maintain our marital relationship throughout this discovery process.  But somehow, I feel like I always need to be ON or READY to be on, and I don't know how to just relax into being NOT on.  A transition would be helpful.

So, fabulous adrenaline rush in the morning - way overreacting to normality adrenaline crash in the evening.  I want to be His friend and partner and wife as well as His slave.  I just am not quite getting back at the same rate He is and when I do get there, it is not with the same equilibrium I had when I started.  To be honest, I don't really want to go back right now - I want to be played with endlessly - and that is likely cause this is a new toy for me.  (And of course, I crave the adrenaline!)

Maybe a stoplight would help - Red - slave; Yellow - be ready; Green - life.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Need

I need to be spanked.  I don't know why, but I do.  Unfortunately, I especially dislike needing things when I don't know why I need them.

Last night, I opened my big mouth and said that this whole spanking thing is a bit ridiculous, don't you think?  He just looked over at me.  Ridiculing what we don't understand is a basic human response, isn't it?  This doesn't mean that I don't desire it - I do!

I just don't understand my desire and that makes me think WTH was God thinking when he gave me this particular set of desires?

He said, THIS, this is why it has taken us years to get here - you can never make up your mind.

I wanted to say out loud and balked, somewhat, "We are here!  Put these thoughts out of my mind - take me in hand!"  (I love his hands.)  God, I was being bratty.

Maintenance spankings to commence today (Happy Valentine's Day!) which will be the first spanking in a week, but who's counting?  I suspect, and no, I still don't understand why, that everyone will feel better after.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Waiting is the hardest part

I am not a patient person.  In fact, one might say that I am very impulse oriented.  This trait actually gets me in trouble more often than not, but I also think that it provides a good foil in my relationship with Him.  He is a patient person.  He apparently doesn't feel a need to know about or unwrap a present early.  He can wait to experience pleasure.

So, I have turned over my pleasure to Him and have agreed that He will have the responsibility of training, punishing, loving and using me as He sees fit.  I have agreed that I am not to request to service Him, or if I do, I may face punishment.  Under no circumstances whatsoever, may I ask twice.

This is hard for me.  However, His way has proven correct in this relationship over and over again, so I am trying to learn patience... He did reward me over the weekend for being good.  It is Monday, though, and my anxiety level is starting to register just a bit higher.

We had a fantastic weekend, really spending time together as friends, which is a blessing in any relationship - you have to nurture the friendship as well as the other areas.  I enjoyed it very much.

We just didn't do things within the D/s dynamic and that is fine, yet I still can't help wishing for some of those things.  Because I never fully appreciate what I have.  I am always looking forward to the next thing.  Le sigh.

I was over at this blog this morning and I liked how this couple has days set for "reassurance", which is similar to maintenance, and that SHE has to say, "It is time."  Unfortunately, that probably won't work to train me, because I don't have trouble saying it is time.  I have trouble enjoying the moment and waiting for it to be time.

Is it time?

Sunday, February 12, 2012

D*mn underwear

As previously mentioned, I mostly haven't been wearing underwear.  I know, TMI.  But, every few days or so, I do, because well, I think I should.  Like today.  I was going to church, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.  God and all that.

Anyway, I have been hitching them up and pulling them out of my ass ALL DAY.  Which has been making me grouchy.  AND, I am not even sure if God cares whether or not I wear underwear - according to some interpretations of the bible, I am supposed to be submissive to my Husband.  Thank you, God, for your wise advice (in my case) on this matter.

Yes, I will be shucking those panties sooner rather than later.

One of the reasons I have been hitching them up is because I am randomly losing weight.  Now, I am not a petite woman.  As my dad so elegantly put it once, "We come from good peasant stock."  I have boobs and even at my healthiest weight, I am never going to be slender.  I am not currently at my healthiest weight.

Luckily, I am married to a man who loves curves, so I don't worry about it too much.  But all of a sudden, I have lost eight pounds over the last two weeks.  Eight pounds.  Randomly.  If I could bottle whatever is happening and sell it, I could be a millionaire.

I HAVE noticed that lately, I stop eating when I am full.  I am also drinking less.  (Okay, eat and drink less - that makes sense to the weight loss, but why this change in behavior, she wonders?)

The only thing I can figure is that I am finding a more complete satisfaction in my life lately.  Especially since this change in relationship dynamic.  I never had complaints before about our sex life (none!), but it feels like an intimacy hole has been plugged.  A missing piece that we didn't know was gone has been found.  For me, letting go and fully trusting.  Letting someone else have control.

That is pretty fantastic!

Except... I am not happy about losing the weight.  I know, most women generally have something to say that is not positive about their bodies.  And of course, there ARE things I would like to change.

But, more importantly, I have recently purchased a number of really cute skirts and other items and dang it, I want to wear them.  I noticed that I was hitching up the one I was wearing today as well as the underwear... Shit.  You can't be sexy in clothes that don't fit!

Speaky of body image, all women are sexy in their own way.  Especially if you make sure to keep moving and keep your brain growing.  IMO.  I get a little distressed when people engage in discipline dynamics over weight, but I will not judge, since I am enjoying my own discipline dynamic over attire.  Truly, no judgement.  Happy Sunday!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The 50's? Yes, Sir.

Okay, first of all - I never believed that there was really a perfect time in America.  But everything the 50's certainly seems to be shown to us in a very positive light.  And I have to tell you, I got the 50's on my mind.

Kid's playing outside, men in hats, cigarettes and cocktails were sexy, and of course - the women.

Not me
The curvy bodies, the just below knee length skirts, the serviceable heels... the smiles - what a great time to look like a woman!  My newest skirts have that swishy feel to them that make my curves feel sexy and (gasp) make boots feel so overdone.  I NEED some pumps.

Seriously, is that the kind of thing we should be saying out loud?  I know this is a sex blog, but it might be too much.  Way too shocking.  I want to go out, right now, today and find a cute pump.

Oh, and every time I put on hose (which I have done several times over the last few weeks, but for the first time in the last 10 years), I picture old movies that I used to watch with my mom.  You know, the ones with the sassy heroine that pulls her stockings up over her legs ever so slowly?  Often that is all you would see - behind a screen or on a bed or whatever.  Yummy.

So, here's to the 50's girls - I am loving you!  Or at least my image of you that may or may not be realistic.

PS - There is a really fabulous collection of short stories, The Stories of John Cheever, that I read last year that started me in this frame of mind and then who knew, but our sojourn into this M/s relationship has firmly planted my body there.  A 50's bod with a millennium lifestyle.  How fun is that?