Breaking a Woman - Part III

I have posted this.  I have pulled it down.  H asked after it today, so I am putting it up and leaving it.

This is really a postlude, but since there may be more parts as time goes on, I will leave it as Part III.

I wrote Parts I and II in a fevered night and I scheduled Part II to post two days later.  I am not a fan of blog scheduling, but I wanted to sit with it for a few days in case I wanted to make a change.  I changed nothing.

A majestic union - what is that?  I wrote those words - "I want to be part of a majestic union. I know that can only happen with one person in charge."

Seems fair to further expound on what I picture.  Because He is not a mind reader...

I picture U/us.  But I picture a slightly different me.  Back to that in a minute.

I know it is important to Him when I go to bed.  I know that He would never want to make a rule about that, but if it became really important to our happiness or our health, then I would want Him to make a rule about it.

And I would expect Him to enforce it.  I need help with those kinds of things sometimes.

If we only have one rule, it is fine with me - I don't need a "fake DD" relationship with a random list of rules to create a situation for spanking.  I don't want to know the proper way to spank your wife's bottom or when You can rub it or whatever.  I don't want to hear that spanking and sex don't go together - for us, they absolutely do.  Except when they don't.  And that is okay too.

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I know He doesn't want to change me.  It is not His responsibility to make me more responsible.  He actually loves me as I am.  And, trying to change people is tricky business.  Unless, of course, they want to change.

As it happens, there is one little thing that I want to change about me.  Just one thing.

I have never fully let go with anyone.  I have never loved completely.

Not my son.  Not my friends.  Not God.  Not my parents.  Not even Him.  Not even me.  I have come closest with Him and with my son, but I think I came out of the womb an independent soul.  I function as if I could be left alone at any time.  (Come to think of it, so does He - but that is a different blog.)

Right now, I am not alone.  I am with a man who IS a man.  And, from Him, I want Him to care for me, all of me.  While He can.

I want to feel complete submission to Him.

Every good thing that I am now - a wife, a mom, a business owner, a woman - owes a major piece to Him.  And that was from before.

Everything I have read about a submissive lifestyle, and everything that I have experienced so far, leads me to believe that I have a chance to get there within this framework.

I can't promise that I will be happy if I do get there.  I also can not promise that our relationship will be the same.

I CAN promise that there is no one else that I would want to try this with.

I CAN say that I want to see if I can let go.

You keep asking me to Mean It.  I do.

Breaking a Woman - Part II

This is Part II of something I HAD to write.  It may be helpful to start with Part I.

Everywhere I look in the real world - I see women struggling to define what a complete life looks like.  Maybe there are too many choices.  And whether it is nature or conditioning, we look to men as one of our stabilizing sources.

I mentioned earlier that centuries of evolution have brought women to a point where they struggle to feel feminine within their "equality". They crave a masculine presence and strong guidance.

A pretty inflammatory opinion in certain circles, but let's just say this is true and not insulting in any way to women.

It is out of this craving that certain relationships have been born - TTWD, DD, D/s, whatever.  And these relationships are based upon a mutually negotiated power exchange.

I agree to give You power over my schedule/my attire/my speech/my everything.

And with that power, I also give You something that is not given too freely in today's society, if ever - I give You absolute trust. I invite You to break me.

I want to be part of a majestic union.  I know in my heart that can only happen with one person in charge.

Everywhere I look in the BDSM world - I see women struggling to guide their Master into what a submissive life looks like.  I am totally guilty of this - mostly through these blogs.  And this behavior is somewhat encouraged - after all, communication is key.  Right?

I see REALLY good advice about making sure you know what you are requesting.  Be clear on your hard limits.  If you want more, define it.  Be specific.  Be prepared for what you ask.  And the most often repeated advice:  He can not read your mind.

I know You are not a mind reader.

Likewise, I have never been broken.

And, here's the thing - I can not break myself. 

You have to do it.

I do not know how to be specific on what I want - other than to say, more.

You have given me a safe word AND veto power.

I don't need to and really can't, guide anything else.

Breaking a Woman - Interlude

You can find Part I of Breaking a Woman here.  Part II is coming tomorrow, but in the meantime, an interlude.

Joyce Rupp is a Spiritual Guide and a Nun.  Her book Open the Door has played a part in my journey into submission.  I recommend it for connecting with the part of you that may be resistant to being open.

She penned this poem "at a time when love and grace were present" for her.  It is very apt to where I am going with Breaking a Woman.  And I could say it to Him:

Truth
Go ahead, look at me, through me,
for you see what I hide from myself
and the rest of the world.
Go ahead, take those clear eyes
and pierce the falseness with your reality.
Draw open the thick door of my pretensions,
my less than perfect self.
My heart shivers under your penetrating gaze.
Only because your wisdom is stronger
than my dread, do I accept (hesitantly)
what you bring to my freshly opened door.

Breaking a Woman - Part I

I have risen from my bed tonight because I was tossing and turning.  I HAD to write this.  But it is a very touchy subject and I pray that I handle it in the way I need to.  It has at least two parts.  Maybe more.

There are many ways to break a woman.

This is what is scary.

Centuries of evolution have brought women to a point where (American) society accepts that they can stand on their own.  They can speak their own mind.  They can be whatever they make of themselves.

But even then, there are many women whose spirits are beaten down.  Their men break them. And not in a good way.

We pour our time, our hearts and our money into helping women who find themselves on the wrong side of an unequal relationship.  A non-consensual relationship where, in the search for acceptance and love, they have been systematically broken.  And without help, they often can not escape.

The patterns of domestic abuse are well documented - isolation from friends and family; periods of tension followed by increasingly painful abuse and punishment; followed by a period of reconciliation or the Honeymoon phase.  Often the tension and punishments come out of nowhere - a towel isn't hung right; a sentence isn't phrased correctly.  She never knows when a misstep will bring back the anger and the pain.

She is told she can not leave, she is His.

In sharp contrast to that situation, centuries of evolution have also brought women to a point where they struggle to feel feminine within their "equality".  They crave a masculine presence and strong guidance.

If they can match this craving with a willing partner, they express it privately, often away from friends and family; through a negotiated list of behaviors followed by agreed upon punishments and a period of reconciliation or aftercare.  The punishments may still come out of nowhere - a towel isn't hung right; a sentence isn't phrased correctly.

I will say this once and leave it be - just because you negotiated and agreed to something does not mean you consented.  If you agree because you feel you have to in the name of acceptance and love, that does not mean you consented.  And if this is the only lifestyle you have ever known, you were raised this way, I will always find it hard to believe that you consented.  If you are in one of these relationships and you did not consent - I beg you to seek assistance now.

I hope you know that there IS a difference - intellectually and in my bones, I do.  But, I, for one, still struggle with the conditioning of my generation and the fact that this D/s relationship so completely mirrors the cycle of abuse.  Sometimes when I picture where a submissive dynamic can and does go, I picture the wrong version.

I watch blogs that I follow like a hawk for tell-tale signs of abuse, not consent.  It feels like a line we walk.

So for this part, Part I of Breaking a Woman, I wish to interject a different image for when I picture where this can and does go.  The following video is what came to my mind.

To me, being broken is noble, it is nature, it is poetry - it is two creatures displaying a union of strengths without abuse or belittling of either participant. Both are strong, but One is in charge.  THIS - this is the image that I think of when I talk about submission. Being broken - in a majestic way.

To be continued...