A Blank Canvas

I have a blog that is now a blank canvas.  I think each new day starts like that - I don't know what it will bring.

Actually, if you look deeply at the canvas - it is not blank.  As you stare into it, you will start to see a mosaic of small threads that make up a life.  Each of us comes to a new day, or a new blog, with a history of feelings, thoughts and experiences.

My history is varied - from lonely little girl to slutty college coed to wife.  The last is perhaps most surprising to me.  Not because I didn't expect to get married.  On the contrary, I always thought I would, because that is what girls do.  But I didn't think it would be such an important role to me.

After all, I am a strong woman, who doesn't need a man to complete her.

Ha.

I also didn't think I would suck at it.  Or at least I used to suck at it.  Now, I think I am getting the hang of it.  Finally.

This is an age when roles are confused, conditioning has overtaken biological imperative and boys mostly can't be men, while women mostly can't be ladies.  (Can't?  Or just don't know how?  I don't know.)

I told the story of how we met once on these pages and I think I will tell it again - a piece at a time.  To fill in that canvas.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While I have been away, I have intermittently read other blogs that I come across.  More daily life blogs.  Blogs written by people who just spew love and acceptance and healing all over their pages.  As always, there are posts that generate controversy, but the blog author(s) seem to meet those with love and a "Hey, I hear you!  You don't agree with me and we are all okay!"  I want to be like that.

Full of grace and acceptance.  Maybe someday I will be.  Maybe someday we all will be.

Life Is Not A Game

This is cross posted on both of my blogs.

It has been three months and twenty days since I said I was taking a break.  Not that anyone is counting.  During that time, I have started a thousand posts in my head, but then I never wrote them out.  You see, I have this blog and it is my sex blog.  I have a persona on this blog that is very specific.  H has one here as well.  And to be quite frank, these persona's are not our current reality.

H's illness has worsened throughout 2013.  You wouldn't know it to look at him, and he is keeping up with the day to day of most things, but there is no sex.  Or, more appropriately, there is very little sex.  There is no bitterness when I say that.  There really isn't.

As this year has wound along, and as H has woken up every day to face pain that I can't even imagine, always dedicated to me and to our family, the bonds of our relationship have strengthened in a way that is both beautiful and tight.  H still holds my soul in his hands.  He still binds me.  But he does it in cords of love.

I can honestly say that H is the only person in the entire world that I have ever begun to love all the way.  Without regard for appearance, or action in a specific situation - just him, all the way.  That is probably the largest act of submission that a person is capable of giving.  At least a person who is me.

Which brings me back to this blogging business.  I want to spill my love and the guts of our story all over this blog that we have.  It is the story of us and this is our blog.

But every time I sat to write, I knew that anything I said was false, because we are not these persona's right now.  And I knew, that no matter what, I could not keep up with those people that we once were and that I would have to pretend to be.  So eventually, inevitably, I would stop blogging again.  And every time you stop, it is a little bit harder to come back.  It feels a little bit more false - like you have broken some sort of pact with the people who read.

This last week H was out of town and I promised myself that I would deal with this blog business one way or another before he gets back.  Well, I left it to the very last minute as I have to go get him at the airport soon (so this post is not as pretty and edited as I would prefer - apologies).

With no small amount of trepidation, I logged into my blogger account for the first time in months.  (I have been checking the e-mail as promised, but I have not once looked at a blog or the blogger account.)  I logged in and I scanned through my feed.  I clicked on a few favorite bloggers and read their latest stories.  I smiled at what I saw, even as my heart sunk.

We are not currently those people.

As I clicked around half heartedly, wondering how I was going to "deal with this blog business", my eye landed on my other blog.  The blog titled K and H - Discipline Desires.

When I started blogging all that time ago, as many of you know, I initially started off with two blogs - Kitty the Submissive Wife and K and H - Discipline Desires.  The second blog was an exploration of Domestic Discipline and as our path took us further into sexual submission and away from DD, that blog was shelved.  But it is perhaps fortuitous that I have both.

Our life (through no choice of ours) is not about sexual submission right now.  Our life is about K and H and our desires, played out through the day to day of surviving and relying on each other.  So, I slip for now - from the blog of Kitty the Submissive Wife and I move back over to K and H - Desires.

All the content will remain on http://thesubmissivewife.blogspot.com/ and may be referenced from time to time.  Who knows, I might even add a sexual sexcapade when I feel ready.  But if you want to find me (not the cock worshipping spanking sexual me, but the so in love with her husband who still holds her hard as he slips into sleep me), you will have to go to that blog - that blog holds the persona's that we are right now.  http://k-and-h-desires.blogspot.com/.

Please note that the address has changed (my apologies to the 14 people who were following that blog).

H's Kitty (fka Kitty the Submissive Wife)

Contract Negotiation Time - End of Discipline Desires

This is being posted on both my blogs.  I am ending my Discipline Desires blog.  It was set up when we thought that we might have a DD aspect to our relationship, but I think I can clearly say that is not going to happen.  Maintaining two blogs has actually been both fun and easy for me, but it is taking way too much of my time from other activities, so this one will be dormant for now.  (It will stay up, and I reserve the right to change my mind at some future point.)

I am moving Follow Friday over to Submissive Wife because, well, I like Follow Friday and so does H.  :)

Hi there!  This is just a quick note to summarize the thoughts from my conversations with H and the excellent discussion on Saturday's post - Everything is (Not) Rosy.  Additionally, Kitty at Sweet Surrender asked me a question about the contract we have, and I assume if one person is wondering, more people are wondering:

When you say you have a contract, what do you mean? A literal, signed contract?

H and I have a literal signed contract, ominously titled, "Contract of Consensual Ownership".  Over the last two months, I have shared several provisions in it on my Submissive Wife blog, where you can hit Contract in the word cloud.

I see a lot of people in various relationship dynamics have literal signed contracts and I think that it is important when you have been together for a long time to have a real starting place when embarking on a new adventure.  And also an ending place in case it doesn't work out for one reason or the other.  Our original term is just under three months from January 25 to April 15.

There is nothing of a financial or domestic nature in our particular contract.  It is actually quite good (for our relationship) and H put it together with what I can only imagine was months of research.  The exit plan is as follows:

11.0.0 Termination/Renewal of Contract

Renewal
On the above named date this contract will be reviewed, renegotiated and rewritten to include all addendums.  After the signing of the new contract, this contract and all addendums for said contract will be destroyed.

Termination
This contract may be terminated at any time by the Master, but never by Slave except during renewal of said contract or in the event of breach of said contract.

Upon termination, all actions between Master and Slave will be forgiven by both parties and they shall return to their previous relationship without blame or disappointment.

We have just under three weeks left and I think I can honestly say that both H and I want to renew.  But, this is my only chance for negotiation under the terms - as you see, I signed away those rights.  (Without too much thought, because H has always been very considerate of me and I had no reason to think that he would be otherwise in this case.)

Here is where we are at so far:

H does not want to punish me and, I don't think I have made this clear previously, I don't really want to be punished.  So, we agree on that.

I do want less control and possibly more pain in our sexual interactions.  We are working on this.

Maintenance is really important to us, but only as a calendar tool for making sure we are connecting very regularly and for advancing the pain interaction goal.

Other than that, the real issue is how submission takes place and whether or not it is enforced.  I have started to think of submission in one of two ways:

Sexual Submission - Rules of attire; service rules; safe words; others, etc. and
Soft Submission - Non-sexual submitting - letting H be the leader, domestic type items, things that could be summarized under the idea of "making a quiet home for us", etc.

For the most part, I think that punishment would fall under soft submission and I know that we don't have much about that in the current contract.  So as long as H doesn't have a rule related to behavior that is domestic, financial, parenting or what not, we don't really have a problem there.

The sexual submission area has one rule that I can not follow and that causes us the most trouble.  I am just going to throw it out there:



She looks as uncomfortable as I often feel when following this rule

Slave shall never in public or private close nor cross her legs in Master's presence, unless specific permission to do so is granted.  Slaves legs shall be spread so that no part of the legs touch each other but may be commanded to increase or decrease this as desired by Master.

I like the thought behind this rule - that H can access me whenever he wishes.  But, he never really has and it is not actually practical around the house in day to day life.

I break it often without noticing and then when I do notice, I notice that H doesn't notice.  This is really where the whole punishment thing breaks down.  It is a good rule, but completely impossible to enforce, so it must be changed.

Other than that, I would formalize maintenance or some type of scheduled interaction (that is practical) and there is one other provision that I think has conflicting direction, but I think we can more than continue into Phase 2 of this contract.  I am sure H will have much more input, and I look forward to it, because so far, he has been pretty amazing through all of this!

In other words, Everything IS Rosy.  :)

Wow, by "quick note", I guess I meant, strap in for a really long post.  Ha.

How We Met - Part II

This is in response to a question asked about how H and I met for March Q&A month.  It turns out that it is a long story - you can catch up with Part I here.  I decided to finish, because I have been thinking about it all morning and I have other things to do.  The walk down memory lane continues...

When you are single for a long time, you start to get quite a list going regarding what you want in a mate.  Here was my relatively short list:  single, no kids, no more than ten years older.  That's it.  I broke every rule when it came to H.  I figure that means this relationship is either very very right or very very wrong.

You really can't help who you fall in love with.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

H had made an unusual proposition to me, one with his wife's consent, but one which I could not fathom or stomach.  I was very uncomfortable when I had to be around him and I avoided unnecessary contact.  This went on for a while.  During that time, I turned 28 years old.

My birthday is always a time of reflection and this birthday pretty much sucked.  The boyfriend mentioned previously showed up on that day (awww, he remembered) and we had sex.  I told him that I missed him (I didn't) and that I still loved him (I don't) and begged him to stay (he left).  Nothing like hitting a girl on her down day.

That whole experience carried my normal birthday funk over for a couple of months.  What was I doing with my life?

Well, one day, about two months later, I was in the garage at work getting ready to leave and I saw H blow in on a motorcycle.  He looked so good (yes, motorcycles are sexy) and so alive, and while I had not thought about him at all, that kiss must have been marinating.

I drove over to where he was and quite unexpectedly (at least to me!), invited him to have sex with me.

He said, "Are you serious?"  Yes.

"Okay, lunch on Friday."

Friday rolled around and he followed me down the freeway to my apartment. I arrived first and went inside, shutting the door.  He knocked.  I opened it.  I started to say something and he just attacked me with his lips.  Months of pent up sexual energy came rushing out.  (I am so glad he did not let me speak, because I probably would have ruined it all right there.)

We went to the bedroom and had a funny moment when we realized no one had a condom.  Apparently, neither of us do this much anymore.  Since I was not on the pill and there was no condom, I ended up giving him a blow job (and apparently sealing my fate to that particular activity).  It was fantastic.

I normally don't tell people this, but I also don't normally tell people that I like to be spanked and desire to suck on H, so I am telling you.  For the next three months, we had a sexual relationship.  Yes, an affair.  Every possible chance we could get - in cars, in stairways, in elevators, in my apartment, and yes, even at their house.

Because there was no chance of a relationship, I constructed a Chinese Firewall, if you will, against any chance of feelings for H.  This is probably the only time I have ever been successful at this.  His wife still seemed to be out of town a lot and there seemed to be a lot of fights, but I did not encourage any stories and he is not one to over share.

About 2 and 1/2 months in, H asked, "What if I wasn't married anymore?"  I thought, yeah, that's how this works - you sleep with a married man and they leave their wife and you live happily ever after.  Not. "Well, you are, so..."

Christmas rolled around and H called and said, "I am coming to see you."

"No."  I said.  "You are not.  It is Christmas and Christmas is for family.  You are not family."  I was alone that day.

"I am coming over."

"No."  And I ended the conversation.  He respected my wishes and he did not come.  Which was good.

January came and I found out that he was alone and I had a couple of days off work, so I said, let's get out of here... and we took off to a bed and breakfast for two nights.

While we were there, H asked me if I thought that I could ever have feelings for him.  I said, "I have no idea.  I am not even contemplating that."

He told me that he and his wife had finished before Christmas and he wondered if I could care for him.  I literally lay with my back to him, his arm around me and pictured a real wall disintegrating into ashes and felt an overwhelming rush of love for this man that I had known for two years and through so much.

Two days later, I told him I loved him.  Three months later, he asked me to marry him.  And lest you think we rushed into anything, 18 months after that, we got married.  That was eight years ago.

I wish I could say it was all great, but the first six months were hard.  He was still in divorce proceedings, which everyone knows is a bundle of fun.

Also, we fought a lot - me because of guilt over how we started and him, I think, because he wanted to get married for the last time and needed to let me know for sure who he was and what he needed.  Since then, though, it has pretty much been all great.  I can't imagine any other man fitting with me so perfectly.

THE END

PS - On the very same day my wall broke away, probably around the same time, the wife cleaned out the bank accounts.  I always found the timing interesting - the universe telling you when something is really done.  I also think it was fitting - H and I are so very right for each other; but people were hurt on the way to us getting there.  I never forgot that.

How We Met - March Q&A

Riley from over at Vanilla Extract asked me two questions - So, are you participating in question month? If so, I want to know how you two met...

The first one is easy - absolutely, I am participating in question month... I hope you know that you can actually ask me anything at any time, but if you are needing a specific invite, this is it.  As I understand it, anything goes.

The second question - well, that's a bit longer.  But, I do love the stories that others are sharing, so I will give a stab at how we met.

When I first met H, I did NOT like him.  Picture a guy in a long trench coat swishing around work, often with sunglasses on and always with a minion right behind.  (That is how I pictured his co-worker, as a minion.)  It was my second job out of college, so I wasn't a newbie to the office environment, and when H showed up at my desk to take my laptop because "it was talking to other computers", I thought he was kind of an ass.  It's called a network, I laughed with my boyfriend of the time that night, it's supposed to talk to other computers.

Oh yes, I had a boyfriend.  H had a wife.

The company we worked for was small enough that you knew most everybody, but large enough that you didn't see them all the time.  Also, I was on the road a lot in the first year I was there.  I don't remember many more specific instances of seeing H after that first meeting.  He says he first noticed me in some green pants that looked nice on the ass.  I remember the pants, but not specifically seeing him.

We always tell people we met at the bowling alley.  Because that's a great place to meet hot men.

Our company had a bowling team, and I was a single gal who thought having a weekly activity to get me out of work was a good idea.  I suck at bowling.  H is really good and we can both appreciate a sport that allows you to drink, so we both played league.

The first year, H's wife was always there with him and I guess was a friend of mine as well.  My previously mentioned boyfriend was my most serious relationship to date (before H), and when it ended it was pretty not good.  I also did not behave the best about it.  I talked to H (and wife) about it a lot and then often about my disastrous attempts at dating again.  That is when we became friends.

The second year, H's wife did not come to the alley.  When I asked after her, she was always out of town.  I think there were problems, but he was never one to disrespect another, and he always changed the subject.  She essentially just disappeared (not like that!).  Other than one crazy phone call, I never saw her again.

Meanwhile, the mean guy at work turned out to have a soft side, bringing around candy to everyone on holidays and helping with personal computer issues, etc.  We became better friends.

You won't mock bowling now, will you?

Then one night, bowling ended early and the normal drinking crowd wasn't there.  I was still restless and I ended up with H in the bar for a game of pool and way too much alcohol.  There was a sexual tension between us that night that was pretty intense.  I think it had been building for a while, but he was married, and I was insane.  (Single bad girl behavior insane.)  I was pretty drunk when he took me to my car in the parking garage and I kissed him.

Oh my god - the greatest kiss ever.  Seriously, even inebriated, it was like drowning in passion.  I have no words to describe it, but here, 10 years and 1 month later, I can still recall the memory to my lips.  I would have fucked him right then and there.

In fact, I offered to do just that and he said, no.  I made some physical advances to try and change his mind, but he wasn't having me when I was drunk.  So, we went our separate ways that night.

The next day, H and I had lunch in a cafe and he said that he loved his wife, but that there were some problems in the bedroom due to medical concerns and that she had given him permission to take care of that externally.  Would I be interested in an affair?

By then, I had sobered up and remembered that I don't sleep with other women's men and no, I was not interested in that type of relationship.  Especially with the caveat that she would know who I was.  Definitely not.  (Makes me think of poly relationships etc. now, but back then, I had no framework for that type of thing and wanted no part of it.)

It was an awkward lunch and it ended with him watching me walk away.  We didn't really talk again for eight months.

This is getting long, so I broke it into two parts.  You can find Part II here.