Breaking a Woman - Part III

I have posted this.  I have pulled it down.  H asked after it today, so I am putting it up and leaving it.

This is really a postlude, but since there may be more parts as time goes on, I will leave it as Part III.

I wrote Parts I and II in a fevered night and I scheduled Part II to post two days later.  I am not a fan of blog scheduling, but I wanted to sit with it for a few days in case I wanted to make a change.  I changed nothing.

A majestic union - what is that?  I wrote those words - "I want to be part of a majestic union. I know that can only happen with one person in charge."

Seems fair to further expound on what I picture.  Because He is not a mind reader...

I picture U/us.  But I picture a slightly different me.  Back to that in a minute.

I know it is important to Him when I go to bed.  I know that He would never want to make a rule about that, but if it became really important to our happiness or our health, then I would want Him to make a rule about it.

And I would expect Him to enforce it.  I need help with those kinds of things sometimes.

If we only have one rule, it is fine with me - I don't need a "fake DD" relationship with a random list of rules to create a situation for spanking.  I don't want to know the proper way to spank your wife's bottom or when You can rub it or whatever.  I don't want to hear that spanking and sex don't go together - for us, they absolutely do.  Except when they don't.  And that is okay too.

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I know He doesn't want to change me.  It is not His responsibility to make me more responsible.  He actually loves me as I am.  And, trying to change people is tricky business.  Unless, of course, they want to change.

As it happens, there is one little thing that I want to change about me.  Just one thing.

I have never fully let go with anyone.  I have never loved completely.

Not my son.  Not my friends.  Not God.  Not my parents.  Not even Him.  Not even me.  I have come closest with Him and with my son, but I think I came out of the womb an independent soul.  I function as if I could be left alone at any time.  (Come to think of it, so does He - but that is a different blog.)

Right now, I am not alone.  I am with a man who IS a man.  And, from Him, I want Him to care for me, all of me.  While He can.

I want to feel complete submission to Him.

Every good thing that I am now - a wife, a mom, a business owner, a woman - owes a major piece to Him.  And that was from before.

Everything I have read about a submissive lifestyle, and everything that I have experienced so far, leads me to believe that I have a chance to get there within this framework.

I can't promise that I will be happy if I do get there.  I also can not promise that our relationship will be the same.

I CAN promise that there is no one else that I would want to try this with.

I CAN say that I want to see if I can let go.

You keep asking me to Mean It.  I do.

Ouch!

We have company staying this weekend to watch the kid while H and I take off for a few days... yay!  In preparation last night, we pulled out all the toys to figure out what to take and what to hide away.

First of all, we are missing a drawer somewhere.  Either that, or some things have wandered off???

It looks just like this - pic from Eden Fantasys

Second of all, we found a lovely slapper that we had forgotten about.  H wondered if it was quieter than his hand and decided to give it a quick try.

One, NOT quieter.

Two, Ouch!

"That smarts."  Me.

"Are you complaining?" H.

Me - "What?  No!  That was just a status update.  Definitely not a complaint."

H.  "I like this one for your work.  It will fit nicely in a drawer."  So, it sits in my purse ready to go to work, where it will likely get used again.

And seriously, my bottom is a little tender from all the work sitting and maintenance Tuesday and well, ouch.  (Just a status update, not a complaint.  Really.)

I was also informed that while on vacation, we will have two maintenance spankings to make up for when H was sick.  If I have that right, between regular maintenance and the missed ones, I am getting spanked every day we are gone, except maybe Monday.  I think that sounds delightful.

(Hopefully, at least one sensual spanking as well - it's been a while.)

My Bottom Hurts

No, not from spanking - sorry.  From sitting all day - I worked 12 hours yesterday to make up for time lost while being sick and now I have re aggravated my cold.  Today is also looking like a long day.

We are planning a weekend away and I NEED to get better.  So does H.

I took the post, Breaking a Woman - Part III, down.  I just felt like it was too much. I am finished with that series for now.

Come to think of it, maybe my bottom does hurt from spanking.  I had my maintenance spanking on Sunday and it smarted for a bit longer than it has been.  I moved my ass into the spanking and inadvertently drew some smacks on my upper thighs.  That plus the all day sitting makes for a sore tushy.

My bad.

Breaking a Woman - Part II

This is Part II of something I HAD to write.  It may be helpful to start with Part I.

Everywhere I look in the real world - I see women struggling to define what a complete life looks like.  Maybe there are too many choices.  And whether it is nature or conditioning, we look to men as one of our stabilizing sources.

I mentioned earlier that centuries of evolution have brought women to a point where they struggle to feel feminine within their "equality". They crave a masculine presence and strong guidance.

A pretty inflammatory opinion in certain circles, but let's just say this is true and not insulting in any way to women.

It is out of this craving that certain relationships have been born - TTWD, DD, D/s, whatever.  And these relationships are based upon a mutually negotiated power exchange.

I agree to give You power over my schedule/my attire/my speech/my everything.

And with that power, I also give You something that is not given too freely in today's society, if ever - I give You absolute trust. I invite You to break me.

I want to be part of a majestic union.  I know in my heart that can only happen with one person in charge.

Everywhere I look in the BDSM world - I see women struggling to guide their Master into what a submissive life looks like.  I am totally guilty of this - mostly through these blogs.  And this behavior is somewhat encouraged - after all, communication is key.  Right?

I see REALLY good advice about making sure you know what you are requesting.  Be clear on your hard limits.  If you want more, define it.  Be specific.  Be prepared for what you ask.  And the most often repeated advice:  He can not read your mind.

I know You are not a mind reader.

Likewise, I have never been broken.

And, here's the thing - I can not break myself. 

You have to do it.

I do not know how to be specific on what I want - other than to say, more.

You have given me a safe word AND veto power.

I don't need to and really can't, guide anything else.

Breaking a Woman - Interlude

You can find Part I of Breaking a Woman here.  Part II is coming tomorrow, but in the meantime, an interlude.

Joyce Rupp is a Spiritual Guide and a Nun.  Her book Open the Door has played a part in my journey into submission.  I recommend it for connecting with the part of you that may be resistant to being open.

She penned this poem "at a time when love and grace were present" for her.  It is very apt to where I am going with Breaking a Woman.  And I could say it to Him:

Truth
Go ahead, look at me, through me,
for you see what I hide from myself
and the rest of the world.
Go ahead, take those clear eyes
and pierce the falseness with your reality.
Draw open the thick door of my pretensions,
my less than perfect self.
My heart shivers under your penetrating gaze.
Only because your wisdom is stronger
than my dread, do I accept (hesitantly)
what you bring to my freshly opened door.

Breaking a Woman - Part I

I have risen from my bed tonight because I was tossing and turning.  I HAD to write this.  But it is a very touchy subject and I pray that I handle it in the way I need to.  It has at least two parts.  Maybe more.

There are many ways to break a woman.

This is what is scary.

Centuries of evolution have brought women to a point where (American) society accepts that they can stand on their own.  They can speak their own mind.  They can be whatever they make of themselves.

But even then, there are many women whose spirits are beaten down.  Their men break them. And not in a good way.

We pour our time, our hearts and our money into helping women who find themselves on the wrong side of an unequal relationship.  A non-consensual relationship where, in the search for acceptance and love, they have been systematically broken.  And without help, they often can not escape.

The patterns of domestic abuse are well documented - isolation from friends and family; periods of tension followed by increasingly painful abuse and punishment; followed by a period of reconciliation or the Honeymoon phase.  Often the tension and punishments come out of nowhere - a towel isn't hung right; a sentence isn't phrased correctly.  She never knows when a misstep will bring back the anger and the pain.

She is told she can not leave, she is His.

In sharp contrast to that situation, centuries of evolution have also brought women to a point where they struggle to feel feminine within their "equality".  They crave a masculine presence and strong guidance.

If they can match this craving with a willing partner, they express it privately, often away from friends and family; through a negotiated list of behaviors followed by agreed upon punishments and a period of reconciliation or aftercare.  The punishments may still come out of nowhere - a towel isn't hung right; a sentence isn't phrased correctly.

I will say this once and leave it be - just because you negotiated and agreed to something does not mean you consented.  If you agree because you feel you have to in the name of acceptance and love, that does not mean you consented.  And if this is the only lifestyle you have ever known, you were raised this way, I will always find it hard to believe that you consented.  If you are in one of these relationships and you did not consent - I beg you to seek assistance now.

I hope you know that there IS a difference - intellectually and in my bones, I do.  But, I, for one, still struggle with the conditioning of my generation and the fact that this D/s relationship so completely mirrors the cycle of abuse.  Sometimes when I picture where a submissive dynamic can and does go, I picture the wrong version.

I watch blogs that I follow like a hawk for tell-tale signs of abuse, not consent.  It feels like a line we walk.

So for this part, Part I of Breaking a Woman, I wish to interject a different image for when I picture where this can and does go.  The following video is what came to my mind.

To me, being broken is noble, it is nature, it is poetry - it is two creatures displaying a union of strengths without abuse or belittling of either participant. Both are strong, but One is in charge.  THIS - this is the image that I think of when I talk about submission. Being broken - in a majestic way.

To be continued...

Spank Me Please

I can not believe it, but I am staring at Him, and even though He is feeling a bit better, He is by no means better.  Even sick, He is sexy to me.  And I am randomly reading spanking blogs - just found 1950's Housewife - hilarious.

So, of course, having missed maintenance this week, and with the reading material - I start wondering - He isn't really THAT sick, is He?  He could spank me.

Oh my.  What is wrong with me?  So selfish.  But I don't think He minds - I know He would if He could.

Love You.  Get better soon.

Follow Friday 02-24-12

It is Follow Friday on Twitter (or used to be) and I thought that I would follow the tradition with the articles that I read this week that spoke to me.

A tale of maintenance spanking accomplished all in one day - 100 smacks every thirty minutes.  Good Hell -why does the idea of it both horrify and excite?

The concept of Dom drop, which I never heard of, but which I often wonder about with Sir, as described here.  Either way, this fellow's perspective on it should be heard.

Oh, and I have been totally into the DD stories lately, so here are some little ones that I found:

A snippet of an erotic story that definitely tittilated me - Silent Discipline.  I had to immediately purchase the book on Amazon and send it to my Kindle for later perusal.

And finally, a super adorable story from Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts (you all know her, right?) about her first spanking.  I loved the story, although, I don't think that I have desired spanking since I was a child - is it okay to come to this late, or is it something you are born with?  Come to think of it, I have the same questions about lesbianism all the time too.  Hmmm.

Hope you enjoy one or more of these.

Sick and more sick ...and Desires too

He is so sick.  I am sick too, but not nearly as much as He is.  I am not a natural caretaker, but we had just gotten to a point where the intimacy of our D/s relationship was really kicking in and I miss being close with Him.  I know He misses it too.

This is NOT a complaint, just an acknowledgement that things are on hold for a bit, more or less.  He did provide my maintenance spanking on Tuesday, but we missed Sunday and this morning.  Not for lack of desire - but really, He is sick.  And I wish I could do more to help.

The fact that He is so strong and does not really want help when He is sick has got me thinking about the other aspects of our lives.  He definitely approaches this relationship as a means to pleasure me.  To meet my fantasies.  He responds to things I say I like in life and on these blogs, but other than the dress code, He has never expressed fully what He wants to do to me.  Or what His fantasies are.

I have asked directly, but He has always deflected the question.  So far, I think my fantasies and my experimentation has taken Him in directions that He hadn't previously contemplated, and so that is a good way to approach things.  I also know that He believes He has told me, but words are important to me (and to my sensuality) and actions are harder for me to decipher with certainty.  I am not a mind reader (and neither is He).

I am not sure that I know how to please Him unselfishly.  I have been on a run of reading historical romance novels lately.  I enjoy escapism literature and the historical novels have a submissive aspect to them (because of the time period they are set in) that I am only recently fully appreciating.  (Wink, wink.)

I have also noticed that there is a very compelling case to be made for the more experienced man getting together with the naturally sexual virgin young woman.  He gets to train her on the finer arts of pleasuring Him.  And she is so eager to learn.

I would like to be trained.  I feel eager to learn.

I know that He wants a woman who dresses like a woman.

I know that He wants me to lay down sometimes and shut up, so that He can enjoy licking me and immersing Himself in the smells and tastes.
I know that He appreciates the relaxation and the romance part and that I sometimes rush Him to the fucking.

I know that He wants to be the Man.

I know that He wants a woman who can keep up intellectually and humorously.  One who is successful in all endeavors - her work and her life.

I know that He values loyalty above all else.  He does not countenance disrespectful talk and would be more hurt by me saying disparaging things about Him to others than He would be by sexual infidelity.  Infidelity would hurt too, but not as much as a lack of respect.

Luckily, I have never had a problem with either of those - because I totally love Him and I know that He works hard every day to keep me happy.  So, there is nothing to disparage and I can't imagine even finding another who could meet my many needs.  I have never once felt compelled to try.

For me, it is back to trust... some day, He will trust me enough to open a part that He reserves just for Him and tell me all the things He really really wants.  Without concern for whether or not it is something I want.  Even though we have been together for a decade and we are probably more in tune with each other than with any one who has come before, there are still a few walls.

Maybe on both of O/our parts.

Love

Everyone is still sick.  He came in and sat with me as I went to sleep last night and held my hand.  I love Him so much.

Trust

Note:  This post is more of a musing than a desire.  All day, when I thought of posting, I thought about trust, but I thought of it from several different viewpoints throughout the day.  I found that interesting and so, in the end, I decided to just ponder trust itself.

It is all about trust, isn't it?  From the moment you meet someone, there are a series of cliffs you jump off as relationships progress.  Some people reach a cliff that they can't take and the relationship ends.  Others (God knows why) continue to move forward.  Your first kiss, your first sexual experience, marriage, family - Trust.

The cliffs eventually come further and further apart and finally, you settle into a life together.  You may see the ugly head of jealousy appear once in a while, but you are not asked to really leap like you were in the beginning.

And then something happens.

Someone changes.

It is no one's fault - people change.  Sometimes, one person's heart takes them in a new direction.  Whether or not they follow that direction, trust is lost.  Love has changed and it is not what it was.

Sometimes, it is not their heart that moves, but their desires.  They admit to themselves, and maybe to their partner, a need.  The need takes on legendary proportions because it is the first time, in a long time, that there has been a cliff.

I guess a desire is still an action of the heart.

When two people really love each other, they will do most anything to try and grow together.  To adjust to the changes of one or the other.  And sometimes it works out.

But, mostly, we don't hear those stories.

This story will be one of the ones that works out, if I have anything to say about it.

But in the meantime, I am working on my trust.  Not that I am worried about others (for a change).  Actually, those fears that have plagued me for years have actually completely vanished.  As soon as we signed a contract, I no longer worried.

Rather, I am trusting that the things I am doing and the me that I am being will be what He actually wants and/or will live with.  Sometimes, when we get what we want, we don't want what we get.

Follow Friday 02-17-12

It is Follow Friday on Twitter (or used to be) and I thought that I would follow the tradition with the articles that I read this week that spoke to me:

This one from A Daddy and His Girl was very instructive on how to train a sub to come or not come on command.  Expecting it to just happen because You said so apparently does not always work.  (Gasp.)

There is another Kitty (big surprise), who has a fantastic blog to follow and this one was just HOT HOT HOT.  And since I am talking about her, this article about Australian kisses has great pictures and is totally cute.

For a more somber tone, and a bit of education, I read a nice post from Christian DD dot com on the Husband's Role in DD.   Ironically, it helped me get to a place where I am more comfortable in a "Spanko" sexual environment than a strictly DD dynamic.  If you have no desire to plow through it all, the last sentence in the next to last paragraph pretty much sums it up for me:

...a regularly spanked woman who knows she can come to her man for a maintenance or erotic spanking is less likely to act out to get one through discipline that she may end up regretting.

And finally, Master located a pretty fantastic skirt here that ironically only came in sizes too big for me, when He was shopping.  Just now, though, I noticed they have added additional sizes.  Woo hoo!

Spanko Skirt

I know I read many more great things, but since I only thought to add this Friday feature recently, I did not track them all - but I will do so in the future.

Transitions

Tuesday morning was one of the best mornings in a while and it was followed by one of the worst nights in a while.  I think I have figured out what is going on there.

That morning, maintenance spanking was re-instituted and I received some nice over the knee swats.  It was preluded with the rubbing and admiration of my ass and my clothing followed by the spanking.  While there was some pain during the actual getting, I found myself pushing my bottom up more to receive after the second one.

As with all sexual play, the more you initiate enjoyment, the more you get and having my ass a bit higher in the air (having to hold it off His lap) helps.  (As a side note, I did the same thing this morning and yes, it is a right move for me.)

After the spanking was over, we spent a few minutes together and I ended up on my knees in front of Him with His cock in my mouth.  Again, I got into it as I imagined sucking the greatest lollipop ever and took it all the way deep for as long as I could.  Eventually, He was close to coming and it thickened even more and I had to let a little bit out of my throat as I swallowed everything He had to give me.

I am being detailed about the blow job, because that is exactly how I experienced it - with a great deal of observation about the changes in His body and my reaction to it.  I was totally into sucking it as well as I could.  I have mentioned before that I love to go down on Him, but Tuesday, it was a whole different thing.

I left for my day and spent the whole commute (which was longer than usual as I had off-site work to do) with my head in the clouds.  I don't think it was subspace per se, but the adrenaline high that I got from having a spanking followed by me serving Him is different than anything I have ever experienced.  That is the first time that I have had both experiences at the same moment and then had to go function in society.  Usually, when lots of stuff is happening, sleep follows soon thereafter.

I did not for one minute mind that I was not "taken care of" because really, I was.  No, I did not orgasm, but I did get a whole lot of something.  I hope I get many more opportunities to serve all those roles as we go forward.

Extreme pleasure, Extreme let-down

So why was it the worst night?  Well, I need to figure out how to transition back to life.  And I don't mean work or other people - I did great at work - focused all day, got done what I needed to get done, had a nice evening with my family.

But I got to bed that night and man was I grouchy.  Or not grouchy, more irritated in a dissatisfied kind of way.  He had a full day and had gone to sleep earlier.  On my way in, He got up for a bit to see me, but it was just going to be a "normal" night.  We sleep, we cuddle, we are married.  You know.  For some reason, and I think this is the adrenaline crash talking here, I was just irritated.  That irritation led to all kinds of tossing, turning and random destructive thoughts.

I haven't figured out how to transition with Him.  We are not 24-7 D/s, we are bedroom only with some public attributes.  It was very important at the outset that we maintain our marital relationship throughout this discovery process.  But somehow, I feel like I always need to be ON or READY to be on, and I don't know how to just relax into being NOT on.  A transition would be helpful.

So, fabulous adrenaline rush in the morning - way overreacting to normality adrenaline crash in the evening.  I want to be His friend and partner and wife as well as His slave.  I just am not quite getting back at the same rate He is and when I do get there, it is not with the same equilibrium I had when I started.  To be honest, I don't really want to go back right now - I want to be played with endlessly - and that is likely cause this is a new toy for me.  (And of course, I crave the adrenaline!)

Maybe a stoplight would help - Red - slave; Yellow - be ready; Green - life.

Need

I need to be spanked.  I don't know why, but I do.  Unfortunately, I especially dislike needing things when I don't know why I need them.

Last night, I opened my big mouth and said that this whole spanking thing is a bit ridiculous, don't you think?  He just looked over at me.  Ridiculing what we don't understand is a basic human response, isn't it?  This doesn't mean that I don't desire it - I do!

I just don't understand my desire and that makes me think WTH was God thinking when he gave me this particular set of desires?

He said, THIS, this is why it has taken us years to get here - you can never make up your mind.

I wanted to say out loud and balked, somewhat, "We are here!  Put these thoughts out of my mind - take me in hand!"  (I love his hands.)  God, I was being bratty.

Maintenance spankings to commence today (Happy Valentine's Day!) which will be the first spanking in a week, but who's counting?  I suspect, and no, I still don't understand why, that everyone will feel better after.

Waiting is the hardest part

I am not a patient person.  In fact, one might say that I am very impulse oriented.  This trait actually gets me in trouble more often than not, but I also think that it provides a good foil in my relationship with Him.  He is a patient person.  He apparently doesn't feel a need to know about or unwrap a present early.  He can wait to experience pleasure.

So, I have turned over my pleasure to Him and have agreed that He will have the responsibility of training, punishing, loving and using me as He sees fit.  I have agreed that I am not to request to service Him, or if I do, I may face punishment.  Under no circumstances whatsoever, may I ask twice.

This is hard for me.  However, His way has proven correct in this relationship over and over again, so I am trying to learn patience... He did reward me over the weekend for being good.  It is Monday, though, and my anxiety level is starting to register just a bit higher.

We had a fantastic weekend, really spending time together as friends, which is a blessing in any relationship - you have to nurture the friendship as well as the other areas.  I enjoyed it very much.

We just didn't do things within the D/s dynamic and that is fine, yet I still can't help wishing for some of those things.  Because I never fully appreciate what I have.  I am always looking forward to the next thing.  Le sigh.

I was over at this blog this morning and I liked how this couple has days set for "reassurance", which is similar to maintenance, and that SHE has to say, "It is time."  Unfortunately, that probably won't work to train me, because I don't have trouble saying it is time.  I have trouble enjoying the moment and waiting for it to be time.

Is it time?

D*mn underwear

As previously mentioned, I mostly haven't been wearing underwear.  I know, TMI.  But, every few days or so, I do, because well, I think I should.  Like today.  I was going to church, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.  God and all that.

Anyway, I have been hitching them up and pulling them out of my ass ALL DAY.  Which has been making me grouchy.  AND, I am not even sure if God cares whether or not I wear underwear - according to some interpretations of the bible, I am supposed to be submissive to my Husband.  Thank you, God, for your wise advice (in my case) on this matter.

Yes, I will be shucking those panties sooner rather than later.

One of the reasons I have been hitching them up is because I am randomly losing weight.  Now, I am not a petite woman.  As my dad so elegantly put it once, "We come from good peasant stock."  I have boobs and even at my healthiest weight, I am never going to be slender.  I am not currently at my healthiest weight.

Luckily, I am married to a man who loves curves, so I don't worry about it too much.  But all of a sudden, I have lost eight pounds over the last two weeks.  Eight pounds.  Randomly.  If I could bottle whatever is happening and sell it, I could be a millionaire.

I HAVE noticed that lately, I stop eating when I am full.  I am also drinking less.  (Okay, eat and drink less - that makes sense to the weight loss, but why this change in behavior, she wonders?)

The only thing I can figure is that I am finding a more complete satisfaction in my life lately.  Especially since this change in relationship dynamic.  I never had complaints before about our sex life (none!), but it feels like an intimacy hole has been plugged.  A missing piece that we didn't know was gone has been found.  For me, letting go and fully trusting.  Letting someone else have control.

That is pretty fantastic!

Except... I am not happy about losing the weight.  I know, most women generally have something to say that is not positive about their bodies.  And of course, there ARE things I would like to change.

But, more importantly, I have recently purchased a number of really cute skirts and other items and dang it, I want to wear them.  I noticed that I was hitching up the one I was wearing today as well as the underwear... Shit.  You can't be sexy in clothes that don't fit!

Speaky of body image, all women are sexy in their own way.  Especially if you make sure to keep moving and keep your brain growing.  IMO.  I get a little distressed when people engage in discipline dynamics over weight, but I will not judge, since I am enjoying my own discipline dynamic over attire.  Truly, no judgement.  Happy Sunday!

The 50's? Yes, Sir.

Okay, first of all - I never believed that there was really a perfect time in America.  But everything the 50's certainly seems to be shown to us in a very positive light.  And I have to tell you, I got the 50's on my mind.

Kid's playing outside, men in hats, cigarettes and cocktails were sexy, and of course - the women.

Not me

The curvy bodies, the just below knee length skirts, the serviceable heels... the smiles - what a great time to look like a woman!  My newest skirts have that swishy feel to them that make my curves feel sexy and (gasp) make boots feel so overdone.  I NEED some pumps.

Seriously, is that the kind of thing we should be saying out loud?  I know this is a sex blog, but it might be too much.  Way too shocking.  I want to go out, right now, today and find a cute pump.

Oh, and every time I put on hose (which I have done several times over the last few weeks, but for the first time in the last 10 years), I picture old movies that I used to watch with my mom.  You know, the ones with the sassy heroine that pulls her stockings up over her legs ever so slowly?  Often that is all you would see - behind a screen or on a bed or whatever.  Yummy.

So, here's to the 50's girls - I am loving you!  Or at least my image of you that may or may not be realistic.

PS - There is a really fabulous collection of short stories, The Stories of John Cheever, that I read last year that started me in this frame of mind and then who knew, but our sojourn into this M/s relationship has firmly planted my body there.  A 50's bod with a millennium lifestyle.  How fun is that?

Internet

In my post yesterday, Is there a class for this?, I talked about the Internet being the opposite of helpful.  I was actually on guard about this, because there was a time when I was faced with the diagnosis of a not great disease.

In the early days after the diagnosis, our search engines were lit up on this disease.  The information and the misinformation was overwhelming and we finally found a kind woman to explain things rationally to us.  And she was quick to advise - stay off the Internet for now.  She was right and now, I can follow information on line without getting freaked out.

I was trying to use that experience here, but when the subject is both titillating and new (and OMG, the pictures!), it is hard to stay away or to use good judgement on things I read and viewed.  I purposely brought it up yesterday to remind myself of the tendency to become overwhelmed in the face of so much information.

Well, to end yesterday, I did find a very good resource for me.  It seems only fair to share.  After reading Bonnie's blog about the weekly Sunday Brunch (a series I enjoy and find informative, thank you Bonnie!), I decided to check out FetLife.  Many of the Brunchers had warned about the drama and such that could be found there, but others talked about it as a resource for all types of interest's.  And what can I say, I am a social networking kind of gal, so I thought I would give it a go.

I signed in, and poked (ha ha) around a bit and eventually, I came upon a popular group for submissive women.  In their sticky note posts at the top, they have a post on mistakes they made when they were new to the lifestyle.  I read them all.

To be honest, the things they said were good advice for any on-line dating or vanilla situation (mostly) and the stories they shared were often just this side of scary (random Dom's, abuse, etc.), but the important parts were as follows:

1.  The tone of most were sane women who care for themselves and their health and their bodies.  To hear a group of women discussing an alternate lifestyle, but still sounding like well, mature adults, was a relief from the slightly perverse (very immature/kind of over the top) Internet world that is too easy to find. 

2.  There were a lot of reminders in there to be honest early on about limits, needs and desires.  That being a "good sub" does not mean doing everything you are asked.  It means taking care of yourself, which in turn takes care of Him.  I recognized my Master in the good Dom's and I know that I am in a really good place with exploring this.

3.  A lot of people (against the perception) are not into poly relationships or scenes.  I still have fantasies about others - but it is a nice reminder that it does not have to be a given.

I want to answer some of the questions from yesterday and have started a few drafts on that, but in the meantime, I found some of the answers in myself through the experience of others.  So, to the long timers out there - I know that having yet ANOTHER newbie, when there seem to be so many, may be tiring - but, we DO need to hear from you.  Your thoughts and experiences and your sanity may feel totally unique, but a random sentence or share may be exactly what someone is looking for/needing to see.

This is a lifestyle that can cause one to confront their background, religious beliefs, family values and societal pressures - a little wigginess would be expected.

I also pledge to do my part in putting out real stuff for those who may be in my shoes on one day or another.

His Hands

I love His hands on me.  Cuddling, ass grabbing, kissing, hugging, touching my head, back rubs, sexual relaxation and yes, spanking too...

His hands make me come alive.  His reaction to my body - His eyes, His erection - oh what a wonderful life I lead.

Is there a class for this?

Today, I was wondering - is there a class for this?  A couples seminar where W/we can go and have training on how to know exactly what the O/other wants?  Or maybe, more appropriately, what I want.

Not a book, not an Internet search - an honest class.  Maybe with breakout sessions on how to respect the HOH and how to paddle the darling wife.

And yes, I am sure there is a class - I am not sure if W/we are ready to attend it.

The trick is really what do I want?  I find it interesting that I now look at people and wonder if their lives wouldn't improve just a bit from having a spanking.  In a good way - not a spiteful one. :)  It feels better than therapy.

My life sure is improved, a bit of an uncomfortable realization, but yes, I NEED to be spanked, at least right now.

Oh, I have so many questions - and frankly, I don't think the Internet is being so helpful right now.  The range of behavior related to DD, D/s, BDSM, etc. is so broad and there are a lot of rules.  I have done way too much random Internet searching - so much so that I can't see clearly through my own thoughts without picturing other's variation of play.

I imagine that is typical, so I may take a bit of a hiatus from the random searching while He and I continue to figure out the rules.  In the meantime, the questions.  Oh, the questions.

I am just going to brainstorm them below:

1. Is there a class for this?
2. Now that I have unlocked this previously unknown need - will it always HAVE to be met?
3. What if I don't really want to do it?  Yet, I feel (and so does He) that I NEED to do it?
4. What if He is not able to always physically provide spanking?
5. I am not sure that the soap in the mouth or the writing lines piece of some people's lives totally makes sense - is it okay that I relate to discipline from a sexual dynamic as well?
6. What if He doesn't appreciate that sexual role or what if He finds He doesn't want to provide the discipline?  (Refer back to question 2.)
7. What happens when a feminist friend that I totally agree with on many things finds out?
8. Why does my interminable dance with Christianity make more sense now?  (Uggghhhhh.)
9. Can I switch Him to a HOH and still have a Master?
10. Why do I crave a HOH - is there really an undisciplined part to many women's natures?  Or is there just an undisciplined part to Kitty's nature?  (The second one sounds better - but honestly, it feels related to being female for me - I cringe as I type that.)
11. Those poor men that NEED to be spanked as well - in a world of the submissive M/f - is someone taking care of them?
12. Can I accept my DD side and my feminist side?

Maybe if I ever find a version of an answer to one of these, I can blog about that someday.  Sounds like a funny story or two could come out of it.

I hope that you don't think that I am coming completely unhinged with these questions - really, I can't stop my brain and you can see that my head is a bit all over the place.  Much more since the Maintenance Discipline ended.  Much less since I got punished yesterday.  Which pretty much makes the whole point, doesn't it?

Punished at the Office

I may have been trying to get a bit of a rise out of Him and in fact, He did show up about an hour ago.  He was on His way elsewhere, but He took me into the server room and explained to me one way that I had been rude today.

For those who don't know, I am required to blog, so that I can share and ask questions and learn and hear from others.  I actually have come to love to blog, so I always considered it a blessing that He made it a requirement.  However, I do need to remember to do the interacting piece of it - to be polite in the blogosphere, so to speak.

I misremembered my manners on that account today and I was told to kneel on a chair and received a spanking at His hand.

When He showed up, I was outside and I could see the purpose in His walk.  When I came back in, He was arranging the chair and I asked what He was doing.  He seemed agitated, before, during and after.

We are both agitated today.  For me, I miss the snuggle at night and in the morning that work has stolen from us this week - it has made me anxious and anxious is not conducive to healthy and supportive.  I needed that punishment, but perhaps it is not over yet.  Things still feel a bit unsettled.  And they have for a couple of days.

It all started...

It all started on Friday, a few weeks ago.  That Friday was the first full day of my contract with Him.  In accordance with the contract, I was dressed in a skirt, suspender nylons, heels, a lace bra. I was at work.  I was turned on.  The thought of my ass through the suspender nylons just amazed me.

Suspender Nylons from Leg Avenue - a Fantastic Product

I was never an ass girl until He came into my life.  The way He holds it, rubs it and reacts to it makes me love my ass.  And I was so aware of my ass that day.

It was day one and He came by three times.  Twice, He fingered me to orgasm.  He let me suck Him.  It was a great day.

In my head, though, I pictured Him leaning me over the desk and spanking it.  My ass.  Spanking it hard.  He pictured fucking it.  Hard.  Similar - not the same.

I did not expect the visuals to go in different directions - ones neither of U/us is opposed to, but different.  I don't think He expected that either.

That was the beginning.  We are totally figuring this out on the fly - which makes Him a bit nervous and me a bit impatient.  But we are figuring it out.

I will continue to indulge in blogging as I work my way through it with Him.

The Calm

It has been quiet around here.  The maintenance discipline ended and life took over.  Busy month.

He said I seemed disconnected today - He doesn't like that, but I am a little.  Maybe a lot.  It is not that I actually miss the daily spanking, although that did add something to my life.  I find that odd, since I loved it so much, and then it was gone and that was fine.  Except.  It feels like I am going through a sort of adrenaline crash.

I am free to speak my mind, of course I am, but I am trying to respect His timing, His wishes.  And He is justifiably wrapped up in real work issues.  This feels a bit like a new relationship - we have been together so long, but not exactly like this.  So, I am not sure what I would say if I did talk.  It is almost like I want Him to like me.

I do know that I would be honest.  And that's something I always thought I was - something I prided myself on, but the last two weeks have exacted a new honesty in me that I didn't know I had.  That is not the only thing I didn't know I had.

I have become aware of needs I didn't know I had.  I have become aware of my body and it's rhythms - I kind of vibrate right now and the world is viewed a bit askance.  He asked me to turn over the feminine parts of me and I agreed.  Just like that.  (Or 10 years later - whatever.)

So far in following His lead, I have found a new sensuality when I walk, when I stand, how I sit.  I have exalted in a femininity that all women should know.  It is a sensuality that wants to be held in His hand.  Greedily wants it.  All the time.

Alas, the world holds sway today.  That will pass and we will have our time together soon.

Anais Nin

Damn - I knew I liked her - just found this quote from her:

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” Anais Nin

Maintenance Day 6

It is Day 6 of our week of Maintenance spanking and as I mentioned, we missed yesterday.  I totally felt the loss.  In discussions last night, I told Him, with some trepidation, that the spankings had not been hard enough the last few days.  It felt like an unusual thing to bring up, but feeling a burn on my bottom for a while after is important to me.

Today, He moved down a bit and aimed for the top of my thighs and it was harder.  I could not help crying out, "Ouch."  "Oomph."  I had to take a breath at the end before I could properly thank Him.  It is a while later and my body tingles, so in the end, I was right to say something, but oh man, it is scary to ask for more.

Naked honesty is a scary/good part of all of this.

Maintenance Discipline

While He works out the terms of the discipline rules, He has been providing maintenance discipline to me.  For this week, I am to be spanked each morning.  My bottom is a lovely red and a bit sore as I drive to work each day - this has helped me focus more and not drift into daydreams at work.  I have also worked harder to meet my commitments.  I really do desire the maintenance discipline.

Not U/us

For a variety of reasons - possibly because I was in the shower late this morning, I did not get spanked today.  And my ability to stay focused has suffered.  I am working hard at it - but not seeing any results.  I have just moved one work appointment an hour back in an attempt to recover, but instead of working, I am posting here.  Arggghhhh.

I am a little surprised at how much I crave the discipline and rely on it, since it is so new, but I have taken to it like a tongue to cock.  ;)

Okay, I am returning to work.  I must accomplish things today.

Please Sir

This post was originally posted in KITTY - The Submissive Wife and with it's posting, our contract of consensual slavery began to be modified to include Domestic Discipline.  Since W/we desire to keep the sexual submission and the DD separate, I am moving this post over to this new blog.  From here on out, the original post.

I know I am writing a lot, but I imagine that is expected during early days. I comfort myself with the thought that you will miss me as I become more mature/more experienced in submission. That is why I have this blog, I believe.

Today is going so weird. Patience is not one of my virtues and it is selfish of me to want too much too fast. Like I will then know everything He has in mind for me. And it will be over. Not over, but less of an unknown. He is smart though, so there is no way I will ever fully know what He has in mind. I like that about Him.

A corner is being put together. To stand in when I am to be punished. Anxiety, excitement, nerves... I know I am not wearing the right clothes today. So silly of me, but I haven't figured out what to wear - I had exercise class this morning and have been on the go since... of course, it doesn't mean I can't change. I can, but it feels forced and if nothing else, honesty prevails in all things submissive. At least for me.

So, this is the thing - even with the anxiety of the unknown, I composed a haiku in the shower this morning. Haiku is normally a verse (about nature, but I assume personal relations count as nature, right?) that has a five syllable, seven syllable, five syllable form. It appeals to my minor OCD of counting and from time to time, I create one. Almost always in the shower. Anyway, here it is:

I am being good
As best as I am able
Please Sir, spank me soon

So, take that for what it's worth and I guess the easiest thing to note, is that I am definitely on this ride. But know that sharing this is so very hard for me, as I do not know what response I am really inviting. Yes, the unknown has me in a twitter. I know we have to live our normal lives too, but this is so new that the distraction is overwhelming. Rendering me completely incoherent and somewhat helpless.

I am totally being tortured as I wait for the one who is patient - my Master - to decide to act next.

I REALLY should go change my clothes before He returns from His errands.