Contract Negotiation Time - End of Discipline Desires

This is being posted on both my blogs.  I am ending my Discipline Desires blog.  It was set up when we thought that we might have a DD aspect to our relationship, but I think I can clearly say that is not going to happen.  Maintaining two blogs has actually been both fun and easy for me, but it is taking way too much of my time from other activities, so this one will be dormant for now.  (It will stay up, and I reserve the right to change my mind at some future point.)

I am moving Follow Friday over to Submissive Wife because, well, I like Follow Friday and so does H.  :)

Hi there!  This is just a quick note to summarize the thoughts from my conversations with H and the excellent discussion on Saturday's post - Everything is (Not) Rosy.  Additionally, Kitty at Sweet Surrender asked me a question about the contract we have, and I assume if one person is wondering, more people are wondering:

When you say you have a contract, what do you mean? A literal, signed contract?

H and I have a literal signed contract, ominously titled, "Contract of Consensual Ownership".  Over the last two months, I have shared several provisions in it on my Submissive Wife blog, where you can hit Contract in the word cloud.

I see a lot of people in various relationship dynamics have literal signed contracts and I think that it is important when you have been together for a long time to have a real starting place when embarking on a new adventure.  And also an ending place in case it doesn't work out for one reason or the other.  Our original term is just under three months from January 25 to April 15.

There is nothing of a financial or domestic nature in our particular contract.  It is actually quite good (for our relationship) and H put it together with what I can only imagine was months of research.  The exit plan is as follows:

11.0.0 Termination/Renewal of Contract

Renewal
On the above named date this contract will be reviewed, renegotiated and rewritten to include all addendums.  After the signing of the new contract, this contract and all addendums for said contract will be destroyed.

Termination
This contract may be terminated at any time by the Master, but never by Slave except during renewal of said contract or in the event of breach of said contract.

Upon termination, all actions between Master and Slave will be forgiven by both parties and they shall return to their previous relationship without blame or disappointment.

We have just under three weeks left and I think I can honestly say that both H and I want to renew.  But, this is my only chance for negotiation under the terms - as you see, I signed away those rights.  (Without too much thought, because H has always been very considerate of me and I had no reason to think that he would be otherwise in this case.)

Here is where we are at so far:

H does not want to punish me and, I don't think I have made this clear previously, I don't really want to be punished.  So, we agree on that.

I do want less control and possibly more pain in our sexual interactions.  We are working on this.

Maintenance is really important to us, but only as a calendar tool for making sure we are connecting very regularly and for advancing the pain interaction goal.

Other than that, the real issue is how submission takes place and whether or not it is enforced.  I have started to think of submission in one of two ways:

Sexual Submission - Rules of attire; service rules; safe words; others, etc. and
Soft Submission - Non-sexual submitting - letting H be the leader, domestic type items, things that could be summarized under the idea of "making a quiet home for us", etc.

For the most part, I think that punishment would fall under soft submission and I know that we don't have much about that in the current contract.  So as long as H doesn't have a rule related to behavior that is domestic, financial, parenting or what not, we don't really have a problem there.

The sexual submission area has one rule that I can not follow and that causes us the most trouble.  I am just going to throw it out there:



She looks as uncomfortable as I often feel when following this rule

Slave shall never in public or private close nor cross her legs in Master's presence, unless specific permission to do so is granted.  Slaves legs shall be spread so that no part of the legs touch each other but may be commanded to increase or decrease this as desired by Master.

I like the thought behind this rule - that H can access me whenever he wishes.  But, he never really has and it is not actually practical around the house in day to day life.

I break it often without noticing and then when I do notice, I notice that H doesn't notice.  This is really where the whole punishment thing breaks down.  It is a good rule, but completely impossible to enforce, so it must be changed.

Other than that, I would formalize maintenance or some type of scheduled interaction (that is practical) and there is one other provision that I think has conflicting direction, but I think we can more than continue into Phase 2 of this contract.  I am sure H will have much more input, and I look forward to it, because so far, he has been pretty amazing through all of this!

In other words, Everything IS Rosy.  :)

Wow, by "quick note", I guess I meant, strap in for a really long post.  Ha.

Everything is (not) Rosy

Does your capitalized half read your blog?  Mine does and knowing that may have an impact on what I write.

I mean, I try to be honest, but I called a "state of the contract" meeting the other night to discuss some misgivings and miscommunications and just plain missing parts related to this M/s contract that we have signed.  I approached it from the perspective that we have about one month left and it would be nice if some tweaks were made because I didn't feel very inclined to continue once the end date arrived.

To say he was a bit surprised that I had misgivings would be an understatement.  One of his comments, "I read your blog(s) and you seem really happy with how things are going."

Whoa.  Full stop.

First of all, I can't imagine ever truly being unhappy with H.  He is an amazing man who is about the best match I could ever imagine for myself.

Second of all, things would have to be REALLY BAD before I would publicly announce (even in an anonymous blog) that I was unhappy with H.  Especially one he reads.  That would be very bad form.  I like to think that I would talk to him first.

None of that means that I am completely satisfied.

We are stuck at the punishment part of it all.  H does not like to punish me.  We tried it once and he was not happy with my reaction.  And so he doesn't do it.  Apparently, I get one chance to react and if it is not how he expects, well, then that goes into the scrap pile.

Two problems with this - many BDSM practices that I fantasize about leave me a bit uncertain during the actual doing (especially the first time), so my reaction is never what he expects.  And then I never get to do it again.  (Boo, me.)

Second problem - H is a little gun shy on starting something and it makes me a little (a lot!) anxious.  (I am now editorializing H's feelings.)

I know that I should not complain that he is so thoughtful and responsive to me, and I am not, I just wish he was hearing my words on some of this stuff and not my first reaction.  I have NEVER used or even been close to using my safe word or my veto power.  Does that help?

Anyway, back to the punishment.  If H won't punish me, what is the point of having rules?  When I break them and nothing happens, it leaves me feeling like he doesn't care enough to try.  When in reality, he doesn't know what to do with it all.

It is kind of an uncompromising situation that destroys the whole premise of the relationship dynamic.

A dynamic that has added so many good things to our lives and that we both would like to continue to explore.  But we have to move past this punishment part.  Which means no rules.  Which means no contract.  Which means no spanking?  Big Sigh.

So, there you have it.  A less rosy picture of what is going on at Kitty and H's house.

Maintenance (Again)

I told H yesterday that maintenance, for now, had served it's purpose and I was okay to stop.  He looked at me completely bewildered.  "In my opinion.  Of course, it is up to You."  I hastily added.

Truth be told, I am having a rough time right now.  Not because of TTWD, but because of other truths we have to deal with in our lives.  And I feel like I am getting too shrill around having maintenance as a stopgap for my other fears.

I guess what I am trying to say is that maintenance has become the primary interaction when we are too tired for anything else, which is lately, every day.  Me too, not just H.  And I never wanted our sex life to be a checklist item.

I am okay with the idea of scheduling sex (Wednesdays and Sunday afternoons?), but only if it is not the only times it is considered.  And lately, without maintenance, there would be blessed little else.

Not counting yesterday, which was a double header.  :))

Spankings, Spankings Everywhere

I think Maintenance Spankings are becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.  Pun intended.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE knowing that no matter what, three times a week I am getting my bottom smacked.  I don't know why I love that, I just know I do.  H and I have both accepted that.  And I hope they continue to be a priority

However, let's talk about the last four spankings I have had:

Saturday on vacation - our first outdoor adventure.  We were hiking and found a quiet place that I thought, well, this would be perfect for a spanking.  H thought so too, but then He decided to scout about a bit more for an even better place... and well, we ran into a thousand other hikers.  (Okay, not a thousand, but a few seemed like a lot when you are thinking about an outdoor spanking.)

Eventually, we found our way back to the original quiet place and even though it wasn't as quiet, we went ahead and did it.  After, we heard people above us who may not have seen anything, but they were likely to have heard it.  I have a great picture H took of me right after, where my shoulders are dropped, my head is down and my bottom is bare.  The relaxing of the body compared to the picture before the spanking is very apparent.

Rating - Good.  Up for being out doors; Down for being frustrated by the search for the perfect spot.

Sunday on vacation - this was the morning after the Lap Dance and we were both a little "dry" from too much alcohol the night before.  The hotel had no in-room amenities, so H was on His way downstairs to find some water and coffee.  He said, "I need some water and to take my pills."

Knowing how long the lines were downstairs and that He would be in a rush to get out the door to our tee time when He got back, I said, "What about my spanking?"  Sunday is a maintenance day.

He said, "Bend over."

"Right now??"

"Yes.  I need some water and to take my pills."  Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack...

And then He left to get some water and to take His pills.

Rating - Fair.  No touching, talking or kissing.  Of course, later in the day, H said that He thought it was kind of fun.  Like remembering to turn off the oven before running out the door.  Hmmm...

Tuesday back at home - A quickie that I already detailed.

Rating - Good.  It happened and I got coffee.  :)

Thursday (today) at home - Last night, H told me he had an early appointment and my first thought was what about my maintenance spanking?  He said we would just have to get up early.  Well, J (our son) also got up early, making me all kinds of crabby.  I get on a mission sometimes about this spanking business.

H turned on the music in the kitchen and I got J eating his breakfast.  I came in the back where H had music on as well and closed the door to the office, ready to be spanked.

And H decided to dance with me.  He likes to dance, and I get that, but I was on a schedule... J can eat fast.

Frustrated, I pushed H back a bit and gave a really bitchy sigh.  So, H leaned me over and smacked away.  Then He touched my breasts and it was an amazing feeling.  And then we went on about our day.  I am not as stressed, but still, it felt a bit rushed and H was foiled in his romantic attempts.

(This puts me in mind of last night's post, on what does submission feel like, I am wondering if giving into H on the issue of romance would be submission to me?  I think it might, but I digress.)

Rating - Good.  Up for the touching, dancing and kissing; down for the worry about J and the tight scheduling.

Conclusion - Maintenance spanking is desirable for my moods right now, but I am just a little too worried about making sure it happens.  Perhaps I don't trust H to make it a priority and I am not sure if that is fair or not.

Also, it seems to be replacing sex as we have had less and less of that lately, but I need to withhold judgement on that - energy at the end of the day is so not what it once was between vacation activities, busy times at work and busy schedule for J.

Sex after the spanking - that is definitely something I want.  We have energy in the morning and spanking gets my whole body tingling.  The cuddling, touching, etc. just further inflames my desire.  I have only been allowed two blow jobs since we began maintenance and it is not enough.  I suspect H thinks that if we have sex then, nothing else will get done the whole day.

Spanking with the sex - that is also desired - H was rubbing me last night to help me relax and I kept thinking, "A good smack would be nice right about now."

Oh, who knew that I was such a spanko?

And to make a long post even longer - I have no way to end this other than to reiterate my beginning - I think Maintenance Spankings are becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.

All pictures courtesy Spank-OTK on Tumbler.

Are you okay?

One of the things I do over and over and over is ask H, "Are you okay?"

I know it annoys Him.  I ask so much that it even annoys me.  I used to just ask Him in regards to His mood and His health, but lately, I have been asking if He is okay with spanking me.

He keeps saying, "You already asked me that.  I am fine."  I wonder when He is going to make a rule about asking, since it is getting so tiresome.

I started contemplating why I would keep asking.  He says He is fine.  He is doing it and seems to be in tune with it.  I wondered if I was asking because I was looking for a different answer.

Example: "You know, I never imagined that I would spank a full grown woman and it is really causing me to face up to a few things about myself."

Example 2:  "I actually hate it, but I am willing to do it because I love you."

Example 3:  "No, I am not okay."

So, the question is, why would I be looking for a different answer?  It clearly doesn't exist.  Trust me, I have asked.

Maybe I am just hoping to have a little drama open up.  Drama is so much more interesting than having everything work, isn't it?  Sigh.

The only other thing I can think is that I am not sure that I am fully accepting of this part of me.  This raging desire to feel submission.

And if I don't accept myself, why would He do it?  Of course, that is ludicrous, but I have a little history of projecting my own insecurities onto loved ones.

And while I am on the subject, I don't think I have felt submission.  Dressing according to rules, kneeling before Him, receiving spankings, giving blow jobs on demand (or more likely, when I ask), etc. does not make me feel submissive.  It makes me feel like me.

What does submissive feel like?

Breaking a Woman - Part III

I have posted this.  I have pulled it down.  H asked after it today, so I am putting it up and leaving it.

This is really a postlude, but since there may be more parts as time goes on, I will leave it as Part III.

I wrote Parts I and II in a fevered night and I scheduled Part II to post two days later.  I am not a fan of blog scheduling, but I wanted to sit with it for a few days in case I wanted to make a change.  I changed nothing.

A majestic union - what is that?  I wrote those words - "I want to be part of a majestic union. I know that can only happen with one person in charge."

Seems fair to further expound on what I picture.  Because He is not a mind reader...

I picture U/us.  But I picture a slightly different me.  Back to that in a minute.

I know it is important to Him when I go to bed.  I know that He would never want to make a rule about that, but if it became really important to our happiness or our health, then I would want Him to make a rule about it.

And I would expect Him to enforce it.  I need help with those kinds of things sometimes.

If we only have one rule, it is fine with me - I don't need a "fake DD" relationship with a random list of rules to create a situation for spanking.  I don't want to know the proper way to spank your wife's bottom or when You can rub it or whatever.  I don't want to hear that spanking and sex don't go together - for us, they absolutely do.  Except when they don't.  And that is okay too.

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I know He doesn't want to change me.  It is not His responsibility to make me more responsible.  He actually loves me as I am.  And, trying to change people is tricky business.  Unless, of course, they want to change.

As it happens, there is one little thing that I want to change about me.  Just one thing.

I have never fully let go with anyone.  I have never loved completely.

Not my son.  Not my friends.  Not God.  Not my parents.  Not even Him.  Not even me.  I have come closest with Him and with my son, but I think I came out of the womb an independent soul.  I function as if I could be left alone at any time.  (Come to think of it, so does He - but that is a different blog.)

Right now, I am not alone.  I am with a man who IS a man.  And, from Him, I want Him to care for me, all of me.  While He can.

I want to feel complete submission to Him.

Every good thing that I am now - a wife, a mom, a business owner, a woman - owes a major piece to Him.  And that was from before.

Everything I have read about a submissive lifestyle, and everything that I have experienced so far, leads me to believe that I have a chance to get there within this framework.

I can't promise that I will be happy if I do get there.  I also can not promise that our relationship will be the same.

I CAN promise that there is no one else that I would want to try this with.

I CAN say that I want to see if I can let go.

You keep asking me to Mean It.  I do.

Breaking a Woman - Part II

This is Part II of something I HAD to write.  It may be helpful to start with Part I.

Everywhere I look in the real world - I see women struggling to define what a complete life looks like.  Maybe there are too many choices.  And whether it is nature or conditioning, we look to men as one of our stabilizing sources.

I mentioned earlier that centuries of evolution have brought women to a point where they struggle to feel feminine within their "equality". They crave a masculine presence and strong guidance.

A pretty inflammatory opinion in certain circles, but let's just say this is true and not insulting in any way to women.

It is out of this craving that certain relationships have been born - TTWD, DD, D/s, whatever.  And these relationships are based upon a mutually negotiated power exchange.

I agree to give You power over my schedule/my attire/my speech/my everything.

And with that power, I also give You something that is not given too freely in today's society, if ever - I give You absolute trust. I invite You to break me.

I want to be part of a majestic union.  I know in my heart that can only happen with one person in charge.

Everywhere I look in the BDSM world - I see women struggling to guide their Master into what a submissive life looks like.  I am totally guilty of this - mostly through these blogs.  And this behavior is somewhat encouraged - after all, communication is key.  Right?

I see REALLY good advice about making sure you know what you are requesting.  Be clear on your hard limits.  If you want more, define it.  Be specific.  Be prepared for what you ask.  And the most often repeated advice:  He can not read your mind.

I know You are not a mind reader.

Likewise, I have never been broken.

And, here's the thing - I can not break myself. 

You have to do it.

I do not know how to be specific on what I want - other than to say, more.

You have given me a safe word AND veto power.

I don't need to and really can't, guide anything else.

Sick and more sick ...and Desires too

He is so sick.  I am sick too, but not nearly as much as He is.  I am not a natural caretaker, but we had just gotten to a point where the intimacy of our D/s relationship was really kicking in and I miss being close with Him.  I know He misses it too.

This is NOT a complaint, just an acknowledgement that things are on hold for a bit, more or less.  He did provide my maintenance spanking on Tuesday, but we missed Sunday and this morning.  Not for lack of desire - but really, He is sick.  And I wish I could do more to help.

The fact that He is so strong and does not really want help when He is sick has got me thinking about the other aspects of our lives.  He definitely approaches this relationship as a means to pleasure me.  To meet my fantasies.  He responds to things I say I like in life and on these blogs, but other than the dress code, He has never expressed fully what He wants to do to me.  Or what His fantasies are.

I have asked directly, but He has always deflected the question.  So far, I think my fantasies and my experimentation has taken Him in directions that He hadn't previously contemplated, and so that is a good way to approach things.  I also know that He believes He has told me, but words are important to me (and to my sensuality) and actions are harder for me to decipher with certainty.  I am not a mind reader (and neither is He).

I am not sure that I know how to please Him unselfishly.  I have been on a run of reading historical romance novels lately.  I enjoy escapism literature and the historical novels have a submissive aspect to them (because of the time period they are set in) that I am only recently fully appreciating.  (Wink, wink.)

I have also noticed that there is a very compelling case to be made for the more experienced man getting together with the naturally sexual virgin young woman.  He gets to train her on the finer arts of pleasuring Him.  And she is so eager to learn.

I would like to be trained.  I feel eager to learn.

I know that He wants a woman who dresses like a woman.

I know that He wants me to lay down sometimes and shut up, so that He can enjoy licking me and immersing Himself in the smells and tastes.
I know that He appreciates the relaxation and the romance part and that I sometimes rush Him to the fucking.

I know that He wants to be the Man.

I know that He wants a woman who can keep up intellectually and humorously.  One who is successful in all endeavors - her work and her life.

I know that He values loyalty above all else.  He does not countenance disrespectful talk and would be more hurt by me saying disparaging things about Him to others than He would be by sexual infidelity.  Infidelity would hurt too, but not as much as a lack of respect.

Luckily, I have never had a problem with either of those - because I totally love Him and I know that He works hard every day to keep me happy.  So, there is nothing to disparage and I can't imagine even finding another who could meet my many needs.  I have never once felt compelled to try.

For me, it is back to trust... some day, He will trust me enough to open a part that He reserves just for Him and tell me all the things He really really wants.  Without concern for whether or not it is something I want.  Even though we have been together for a decade and we are probably more in tune with each other than with any one who has come before, there are still a few walls.

Maybe on both of O/our parts.

Transitions

Tuesday morning was one of the best mornings in a while and it was followed by one of the worst nights in a while.  I think I have figured out what is going on there.

That morning, maintenance spanking was re-instituted and I received some nice over the knee swats.  It was preluded with the rubbing and admiration of my ass and my clothing followed by the spanking.  While there was some pain during the actual getting, I found myself pushing my bottom up more to receive after the second one.

As with all sexual play, the more you initiate enjoyment, the more you get and having my ass a bit higher in the air (having to hold it off His lap) helps.  (As a side note, I did the same thing this morning and yes, it is a right move for me.)

After the spanking was over, we spent a few minutes together and I ended up on my knees in front of Him with His cock in my mouth.  Again, I got into it as I imagined sucking the greatest lollipop ever and took it all the way deep for as long as I could.  Eventually, He was close to coming and it thickened even more and I had to let a little bit out of my throat as I swallowed everything He had to give me.

I am being detailed about the blow job, because that is exactly how I experienced it - with a great deal of observation about the changes in His body and my reaction to it.  I was totally into sucking it as well as I could.  I have mentioned before that I love to go down on Him, but Tuesday, it was a whole different thing.

I left for my day and spent the whole commute (which was longer than usual as I had off-site work to do) with my head in the clouds.  I don't think it was subspace per se, but the adrenaline high that I got from having a spanking followed by me serving Him is different than anything I have ever experienced.  That is the first time that I have had both experiences at the same moment and then had to go function in society.  Usually, when lots of stuff is happening, sleep follows soon thereafter.

I did not for one minute mind that I was not "taken care of" because really, I was.  No, I did not orgasm, but I did get a whole lot of something.  I hope I get many more opportunities to serve all those roles as we go forward.

Extreme pleasure, Extreme let-down

So why was it the worst night?  Well, I need to figure out how to transition back to life.  And I don't mean work or other people - I did great at work - focused all day, got done what I needed to get done, had a nice evening with my family.

But I got to bed that night and man was I grouchy.  Or not grouchy, more irritated in a dissatisfied kind of way.  He had a full day and had gone to sleep earlier.  On my way in, He got up for a bit to see me, but it was just going to be a "normal" night.  We sleep, we cuddle, we are married.  You know.  For some reason, and I think this is the adrenaline crash talking here, I was just irritated.  That irritation led to all kinds of tossing, turning and random destructive thoughts.

I haven't figured out how to transition with Him.  We are not 24-7 D/s, we are bedroom only with some public attributes.  It was very important at the outset that we maintain our marital relationship throughout this discovery process.  But somehow, I feel like I always need to be ON or READY to be on, and I don't know how to just relax into being NOT on.  A transition would be helpful.

So, fabulous adrenaline rush in the morning - way overreacting to normality adrenaline crash in the evening.  I want to be His friend and partner and wife as well as His slave.  I just am not quite getting back at the same rate He is and when I do get there, it is not with the same equilibrium I had when I started.  To be honest, I don't really want to go back right now - I want to be played with endlessly - and that is likely cause this is a new toy for me.  (And of course, I crave the adrenaline!)

Maybe a stoplight would help - Red - slave; Yellow - be ready; Green - life.

Waiting is the hardest part

I am not a patient person.  In fact, one might say that I am very impulse oriented.  This trait actually gets me in trouble more often than not, but I also think that it provides a good foil in my relationship with Him.  He is a patient person.  He apparently doesn't feel a need to know about or unwrap a present early.  He can wait to experience pleasure.

So, I have turned over my pleasure to Him and have agreed that He will have the responsibility of training, punishing, loving and using me as He sees fit.  I have agreed that I am not to request to service Him, or if I do, I may face punishment.  Under no circumstances whatsoever, may I ask twice.

This is hard for me.  However, His way has proven correct in this relationship over and over again, so I am trying to learn patience... He did reward me over the weekend for being good.  It is Monday, though, and my anxiety level is starting to register just a bit higher.

We had a fantastic weekend, really spending time together as friends, which is a blessing in any relationship - you have to nurture the friendship as well as the other areas.  I enjoyed it very much.

We just didn't do things within the D/s dynamic and that is fine, yet I still can't help wishing for some of those things.  Because I never fully appreciate what I have.  I am always looking forward to the next thing.  Le sigh.

I was over at this blog this morning and I liked how this couple has days set for "reassurance", which is similar to maintenance, and that SHE has to say, "It is time."  Unfortunately, that probably won't work to train me, because I don't have trouble saying it is time.  I have trouble enjoying the moment and waiting for it to be time.

Is it time?

Is there a class for this?

Today, I was wondering - is there a class for this?  A couples seminar where W/we can go and have training on how to know exactly what the O/other wants?  Or maybe, more appropriately, what I want.

Not a book, not an Internet search - an honest class.  Maybe with breakout sessions on how to respect the HOH and how to paddle the darling wife.

And yes, I am sure there is a class - I am not sure if W/we are ready to attend it.

The trick is really what do I want?  I find it interesting that I now look at people and wonder if their lives wouldn't improve just a bit from having a spanking.  In a good way - not a spiteful one. :)  It feels better than therapy.

My life sure is improved, a bit of an uncomfortable realization, but yes, I NEED to be spanked, at least right now.

Oh, I have so many questions - and frankly, I don't think the Internet is being so helpful right now.  The range of behavior related to DD, D/s, BDSM, etc. is so broad and there are a lot of rules.  I have done way too much random Internet searching - so much so that I can't see clearly through my own thoughts without picturing other's variation of play.

I imagine that is typical, so I may take a bit of a hiatus from the random searching while He and I continue to figure out the rules.  In the meantime, the questions.  Oh, the questions.

I am just going to brainstorm them below:

1. Is there a class for this?
2. Now that I have unlocked this previously unknown need - will it always HAVE to be met?
3. What if I don't really want to do it?  Yet, I feel (and so does He) that I NEED to do it?
4. What if He is not able to always physically provide spanking?
5. I am not sure that the soap in the mouth or the writing lines piece of some people's lives totally makes sense - is it okay that I relate to discipline from a sexual dynamic as well?
6. What if He doesn't appreciate that sexual role or what if He finds He doesn't want to provide the discipline?  (Refer back to question 2.)
7. What happens when a feminist friend that I totally agree with on many things finds out?
8. Why does my interminable dance with Christianity make more sense now?  (Uggghhhhh.)
9. Can I switch Him to a HOH and still have a Master?
10. Why do I crave a HOH - is there really an undisciplined part to many women's natures?  Or is there just an undisciplined part to Kitty's nature?  (The second one sounds better - but honestly, it feels related to being female for me - I cringe as I type that.)
11. Those poor men that NEED to be spanked as well - in a world of the submissive M/f - is someone taking care of them?
12. Can I accept my DD side and my feminist side?

Maybe if I ever find a version of an answer to one of these, I can blog about that someday.  Sounds like a funny story or two could come out of it.

I hope that you don't think that I am coming completely unhinged with these questions - really, I can't stop my brain and you can see that my head is a bit all over the place.  Much more since the Maintenance Discipline ended.  Much less since I got punished yesterday.  Which pretty much makes the whole point, doesn't it?