When we first got together, we would snuggle all night long. H would hold me and I would hold him and we slept well. I remember one night we fell asleep on his large couch and I held onto his penis all night long. I don't know why, I just did.
But as time wore on, we (okay, me) started pushing away. There was always an arm in the way or hair or who knows... we just started sleeping further and further apart.
Eventually, it was like sleeping alone again. So much like being alone that I would swing my arm out as if no one was there. Punching out and hitting H - once in the eye. Yes, he had a black eye for days. H was still working then and had to field questions about his black eye. (What, does your wife beat you? So funny...)
As I have gained a bit of weight over the years, I feel like we slept even further apart. My now even larger breasts would roll to the side and put my arm to sleep. When we spooned I felt like my arm and shoulder were jammed and even though it started out nice, I had to move away all too soon.
Inevitably, I suggested that we move up from a queen size bed into a king. Then I would have room for a body pillow to snuggle with as I slept. (Note that body pillows don't have arms.) Not surprisingly, he was adamant. No. We should be close.
That is H. He has always liked things how he likes them. Normally when I describe him that way, others who know him well will nod and say, Yes, he is stubborn. Pigheaded. Set in his ways. Rigid. I just shake my head and smile.
You see, I have never felt it was worth the fight to get things a different way, because I was never that committed to stuff or how things look.
I guess you could say that he has dominated the structure of our life since the beginning, and other than a few tweaks here and there, I just folded into his sphere. Because I fit there.
So, we still sleep in a queen size bed, and I make a point of trying to touch him as much as possible. Throwing an arm over him or placing my head near his shoulders. Because he likes it and I want more than anything for him to be happy.
H did not sleep well last night. I woke up a few times to an empty bed next to me. And instead of stretching my arms and my body out, I felt alone.
He finally got to bed way too late because he had to be up way too early. When I became aware that he was there, I snuggled into him. Just like we used to. And my hair got in the way. And there was an arm awkwardly tucked under me, but still, we finally slept. Together.