Everything is (not) Rosy

Does your capitalized half read your blog?  Mine does and knowing that may have an impact on what I write.

I mean, I try to be honest, but I called a "state of the contract" meeting the other night to discuss some misgivings and miscommunications and just plain missing parts related to this M/s contract that we have signed.  I approached it from the perspective that we have about one month left and it would be nice if some tweaks were made because I didn't feel very inclined to continue once the end date arrived.

To say he was a bit surprised that I had misgivings would be an understatement.  One of his comments, "I read your blog(s) and you seem really happy with how things are going."

Whoa.  Full stop.

First of all, I can't imagine ever truly being unhappy with H.  He is an amazing man who is about the best match I could ever imagine for myself.

Second of all, things would have to be REALLY BAD before I would publicly announce (even in an anonymous blog) that I was unhappy with H.  Especially one he reads.  That would be very bad form.  I like to think that I would talk to him first.

None of that means that I am completely satisfied.

We are stuck at the punishment part of it all.  H does not like to punish me.  We tried it once and he was not happy with my reaction.  And so he doesn't do it.  Apparently, I get one chance to react and if it is not how he expects, well, then that goes into the scrap pile.

Two problems with this - many BDSM practices that I fantasize about leave me a bit uncertain during the actual doing (especially the first time), so my reaction is never what he expects.  And then I never get to do it again.  (Boo, me.)

Second problem - H is a little gun shy on starting something and it makes me a little (a lot!) anxious.  (I am now editorializing H's feelings.)

I know that I should not complain that he is so thoughtful and responsive to me, and I am not, I just wish he was hearing my words on some of this stuff and not my first reaction.  I have NEVER used or even been close to using my safe word or my veto power.  Does that help?

Anyway, back to the punishment.  If H won't punish me, what is the point of having rules?  When I break them and nothing happens, it leaves me feeling like he doesn't care enough to try.  When in reality, he doesn't know what to do with it all.

It is kind of an uncompromising situation that destroys the whole premise of the relationship dynamic.

A dynamic that has added so many good things to our lives and that we both would like to continue to explore.  But we have to move past this punishment part.  Which means no rules.  Which means no contract.  Which means no spanking?  Big Sigh.

So, there you have it.  A less rosy picture of what is going on at Kitty and H's house.

How We Met - Part II

This is in response to a question asked about how H and I met for March Q&A month.  It turns out that it is a long story - you can catch up with Part I here.  I decided to finish, because I have been thinking about it all morning and I have other things to do.  The walk down memory lane continues...

When you are single for a long time, you start to get quite a list going regarding what you want in a mate.  Here was my relatively short list:  single, no kids, no more than ten years older.  That's it.  I broke every rule when it came to H.  I figure that means this relationship is either very very right or very very wrong.

You really can't help who you fall in love with.

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H had made an unusual proposition to me, one with his wife's consent, but one which I could not fathom or stomach.  I was very uncomfortable when I had to be around him and I avoided unnecessary contact.  This went on for a while.  During that time, I turned 28 years old.

My birthday is always a time of reflection and this birthday pretty much sucked.  The boyfriend mentioned previously showed up on that day (awww, he remembered) and we had sex.  I told him that I missed him (I didn't) and that I still loved him (I don't) and begged him to stay (he left).  Nothing like hitting a girl on her down day.

That whole experience carried my normal birthday funk over for a couple of months.  What was I doing with my life?

Well, one day, about two months later, I was in the garage at work getting ready to leave and I saw H blow in on a motorcycle.  He looked so good (yes, motorcycles are sexy) and so alive, and while I had not thought about him at all, that kiss must have been marinating.

I drove over to where he was and quite unexpectedly (at least to me!), invited him to have sex with me.

He said, "Are you serious?"  Yes.

"Okay, lunch on Friday."

Friday rolled around and he followed me down the freeway to my apartment. I arrived first and went inside, shutting the door.  He knocked.  I opened it.  I started to say something and he just attacked me with his lips.  Months of pent up sexual energy came rushing out.  (I am so glad he did not let me speak, because I probably would have ruined it all right there.)

We went to the bedroom and had a funny moment when we realized no one had a condom.  Apparently, neither of us do this much anymore.  Since I was not on the pill and there was no condom, I ended up giving him a blow job (and apparently sealing my fate to that particular activity).  It was fantastic.

I normally don't tell people this, but I also don't normally tell people that I like to be spanked and desire to suck on H, so I am telling you.  For the next three months, we had a sexual relationship.  Yes, an affair.  Every possible chance we could get - in cars, in stairways, in elevators, in my apartment, and yes, even at their house.

Because there was no chance of a relationship, I constructed a Chinese Firewall, if you will, against any chance of feelings for H.  This is probably the only time I have ever been successful at this.  His wife still seemed to be out of town a lot and there seemed to be a lot of fights, but I did not encourage any stories and he is not one to over share.

About 2 and 1/2 months in, H asked, "What if I wasn't married anymore?"  I thought, yeah, that's how this works - you sleep with a married man and they leave their wife and you live happily ever after.  Not. "Well, you are, so..."

Christmas rolled around and H called and said, "I am coming to see you."

"No."  I said.  "You are not.  It is Christmas and Christmas is for family.  You are not family."  I was alone that day.

"I am coming over."

"No."  And I ended the conversation.  He respected my wishes and he did not come.  Which was good.

January came and I found out that he was alone and I had a couple of days off work, so I said, let's get out of here... and we took off to a bed and breakfast for two nights.

While we were there, H asked me if I thought that I could ever have feelings for him.  I said, "I have no idea.  I am not even contemplating that."

He told me that he and his wife had finished before Christmas and he wondered if I could care for him.  I literally lay with my back to him, his arm around me and pictured a real wall disintegrating into ashes and felt an overwhelming rush of love for this man that I had known for two years and through so much.

Two days later, I told him I loved him.  Three months later, he asked me to marry him.  And lest you think we rushed into anything, 18 months after that, we got married.  That was eight years ago.

I wish I could say it was all great, but the first six months were hard.  He was still in divorce proceedings, which everyone knows is a bundle of fun.

Also, we fought a lot - me because of guilt over how we started and him, I think, because he wanted to get married for the last time and needed to let me know for sure who he was and what he needed.  Since then, though, it has pretty much been all great.  I can't imagine any other man fitting with me so perfectly.

THE END

PS - On the very same day my wall broke away, probably around the same time, the wife cleaned out the bank accounts.  I always found the timing interesting - the universe telling you when something is really done.  I also think it was fitting - H and I are so very right for each other; but people were hurt on the way to us getting there.  I never forgot that.

Maintenance (Again)

I told H yesterday that maintenance, for now, had served it's purpose and I was okay to stop.  He looked at me completely bewildered.  "In my opinion.  Of course, it is up to You."  I hastily added.

Truth be told, I am having a rough time right now.  Not because of TTWD, but because of other truths we have to deal with in our lives.  And I feel like I am getting too shrill around having maintenance as a stopgap for my other fears.

I guess what I am trying to say is that maintenance has become the primary interaction when we are too tired for anything else, which is lately, every day.  Me too, not just H.  And I never wanted our sex life to be a checklist item.

I am okay with the idea of scheduling sex (Wednesdays and Sunday afternoons?), but only if it is not the only times it is considered.  And lately, without maintenance, there would be blessed little else.

Not counting yesterday, which was a double header.  :))

Spankings, Spankings Everywhere

I think Maintenance Spankings are becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.  Pun intended.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE knowing that no matter what, three times a week I am getting my bottom smacked.  I don't know why I love that, I just know I do.  H and I have both accepted that.  And I hope they continue to be a priority

However, let's talk about the last four spankings I have had:

Saturday on vacation - our first outdoor adventure.  We were hiking and found a quiet place that I thought, well, this would be perfect for a spanking.  H thought so too, but then He decided to scout about a bit more for an even better place... and well, we ran into a thousand other hikers.  (Okay, not a thousand, but a few seemed like a lot when you are thinking about an outdoor spanking.)

Eventually, we found our way back to the original quiet place and even though it wasn't as quiet, we went ahead and did it.  After, we heard people above us who may not have seen anything, but they were likely to have heard it.  I have a great picture H took of me right after, where my shoulders are dropped, my head is down and my bottom is bare.  The relaxing of the body compared to the picture before the spanking is very apparent.

Rating - Good.  Up for being out doors; Down for being frustrated by the search for the perfect spot.

Sunday on vacation - this was the morning after the Lap Dance and we were both a little "dry" from too much alcohol the night before.  The hotel had no in-room amenities, so H was on His way downstairs to find some water and coffee.  He said, "I need some water and to take my pills."

Knowing how long the lines were downstairs and that He would be in a rush to get out the door to our tee time when He got back, I said, "What about my spanking?"  Sunday is a maintenance day.

He said, "Bend over."

"Right now??"

"Yes.  I need some water and to take my pills."  Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack...

And then He left to get some water and to take His pills.

Rating - Fair.  No touching, talking or kissing.  Of course, later in the day, H said that He thought it was kind of fun.  Like remembering to turn off the oven before running out the door.  Hmmm...

Tuesday back at home - A quickie that I already detailed.

Rating - Good.  It happened and I got coffee.  :)

Thursday (today) at home - Last night, H told me he had an early appointment and my first thought was what about my maintenance spanking?  He said we would just have to get up early.  Well, J (our son) also got up early, making me all kinds of crabby.  I get on a mission sometimes about this spanking business.

H turned on the music in the kitchen and I got J eating his breakfast.  I came in the back where H had music on as well and closed the door to the office, ready to be spanked.

And H decided to dance with me.  He likes to dance, and I get that, but I was on a schedule... J can eat fast.

Frustrated, I pushed H back a bit and gave a really bitchy sigh.  So, H leaned me over and smacked away.  Then He touched my breasts and it was an amazing feeling.  And then we went on about our day.  I am not as stressed, but still, it felt a bit rushed and H was foiled in his romantic attempts.

(This puts me in mind of last night's post, on what does submission feel like, I am wondering if giving into H on the issue of romance would be submission to me?  I think it might, but I digress.)

Rating - Good.  Up for the touching, dancing and kissing; down for the worry about J and the tight scheduling.

Conclusion - Maintenance spanking is desirable for my moods right now, but I am just a little too worried about making sure it happens.  Perhaps I don't trust H to make it a priority and I am not sure if that is fair or not.

Also, it seems to be replacing sex as we have had less and less of that lately, but I need to withhold judgement on that - energy at the end of the day is so not what it once was between vacation activities, busy times at work and busy schedule for J.

Sex after the spanking - that is definitely something I want.  We have energy in the morning and spanking gets my whole body tingling.  The cuddling, touching, etc. just further inflames my desire.  I have only been allowed two blow jobs since we began maintenance and it is not enough.  I suspect H thinks that if we have sex then, nothing else will get done the whole day.

Spanking with the sex - that is also desired - H was rubbing me last night to help me relax and I kept thinking, "A good smack would be nice right about now."

Oh, who knew that I was such a spanko?

And to make a long post even longer - I have no way to end this other than to reiterate my beginning - I think Maintenance Spankings are becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.

All pictures courtesy Spank-OTK on Tumbler.

Are you okay?

One of the things I do over and over and over is ask H, "Are you okay?"

I know it annoys Him.  I ask so much that it even annoys me.  I used to just ask Him in regards to His mood and His health, but lately, I have been asking if He is okay with spanking me.

He keeps saying, "You already asked me that.  I am fine."  I wonder when He is going to make a rule about asking, since it is getting so tiresome.

I started contemplating why I would keep asking.  He says He is fine.  He is doing it and seems to be in tune with it.  I wondered if I was asking because I was looking for a different answer.

Example: "You know, I never imagined that I would spank a full grown woman and it is really causing me to face up to a few things about myself."

Example 2:  "I actually hate it, but I am willing to do it because I love you."

Example 3:  "No, I am not okay."

So, the question is, why would I be looking for a different answer?  It clearly doesn't exist.  Trust me, I have asked.

Maybe I am just hoping to have a little drama open up.  Drama is so much more interesting than having everything work, isn't it?  Sigh.

The only other thing I can think is that I am not sure that I am fully accepting of this part of me.  This raging desire to feel submission.

And if I don't accept myself, why would He do it?  Of course, that is ludicrous, but I have a little history of projecting my own insecurities onto loved ones.

And while I am on the subject, I don't think I have felt submission.  Dressing according to rules, kneeling before Him, receiving spankings, giving blow jobs on demand (or more likely, when I ask), etc. does not make me feel submissive.  It makes me feel like me.

What does submissive feel like?

Sick and more sick ...and Desires too

He is so sick.  I am sick too, but not nearly as much as He is.  I am not a natural caretaker, but we had just gotten to a point where the intimacy of our D/s relationship was really kicking in and I miss being close with Him.  I know He misses it too.

This is NOT a complaint, just an acknowledgement that things are on hold for a bit, more or less.  He did provide my maintenance spanking on Tuesday, but we missed Sunday and this morning.  Not for lack of desire - but really, He is sick.  And I wish I could do more to help.

The fact that He is so strong and does not really want help when He is sick has got me thinking about the other aspects of our lives.  He definitely approaches this relationship as a means to pleasure me.  To meet my fantasies.  He responds to things I say I like in life and on these blogs, but other than the dress code, He has never expressed fully what He wants to do to me.  Or what His fantasies are.

I have asked directly, but He has always deflected the question.  So far, I think my fantasies and my experimentation has taken Him in directions that He hadn't previously contemplated, and so that is a good way to approach things.  I also know that He believes He has told me, but words are important to me (and to my sensuality) and actions are harder for me to decipher with certainty.  I am not a mind reader (and neither is He).

I am not sure that I know how to please Him unselfishly.  I have been on a run of reading historical romance novels lately.  I enjoy escapism literature and the historical novels have a submissive aspect to them (because of the time period they are set in) that I am only recently fully appreciating.  (Wink, wink.)

I have also noticed that there is a very compelling case to be made for the more experienced man getting together with the naturally sexual virgin young woman.  He gets to train her on the finer arts of pleasuring Him.  And she is so eager to learn.

I would like to be trained.  I feel eager to learn.

I know that He wants a woman who dresses like a woman.

I know that He wants me to lay down sometimes and shut up, so that He can enjoy licking me and immersing Himself in the smells and tastes.
I know that He appreciates the relaxation and the romance part and that I sometimes rush Him to the fucking.

I know that He wants to be the Man.

I know that He wants a woman who can keep up intellectually and humorously.  One who is successful in all endeavors - her work and her life.

I know that He values loyalty above all else.  He does not countenance disrespectful talk and would be more hurt by me saying disparaging things about Him to others than He would be by sexual infidelity.  Infidelity would hurt too, but not as much as a lack of respect.

Luckily, I have never had a problem with either of those - because I totally love Him and I know that He works hard every day to keep me happy.  So, there is nothing to disparage and I can't imagine even finding another who could meet my many needs.  I have never once felt compelled to try.

For me, it is back to trust... some day, He will trust me enough to open a part that He reserves just for Him and tell me all the things He really really wants.  Without concern for whether or not it is something I want.  Even though we have been together for a decade and we are probably more in tune with each other than with any one who has come before, there are still a few walls.

Maybe on both of O/our parts.

Love

Everyone is still sick.  He came in and sat with me as I went to sleep last night and held my hand.  I love Him so much.

Trust

Note:  This post is more of a musing than a desire.  All day, when I thought of posting, I thought about trust, but I thought of it from several different viewpoints throughout the day.  I found that interesting and so, in the end, I decided to just ponder trust itself.

It is all about trust, isn't it?  From the moment you meet someone, there are a series of cliffs you jump off as relationships progress.  Some people reach a cliff that they can't take and the relationship ends.  Others (God knows why) continue to move forward.  Your first kiss, your first sexual experience, marriage, family - Trust.

The cliffs eventually come further and further apart and finally, you settle into a life together.  You may see the ugly head of jealousy appear once in a while, but you are not asked to really leap like you were in the beginning.

And then something happens.

Someone changes.

It is no one's fault - people change.  Sometimes, one person's heart takes them in a new direction.  Whether or not they follow that direction, trust is lost.  Love has changed and it is not what it was.

Sometimes, it is not their heart that moves, but their desires.  They admit to themselves, and maybe to their partner, a need.  The need takes on legendary proportions because it is the first time, in a long time, that there has been a cliff.

I guess a desire is still an action of the heart.

When two people really love each other, they will do most anything to try and grow together.  To adjust to the changes of one or the other.  And sometimes it works out.

But, mostly, we don't hear those stories.

This story will be one of the ones that works out, if I have anything to say about it.

But in the meantime, I am working on my trust.  Not that I am worried about others (for a change).  Actually, those fears that have plagued me for years have actually completely vanished.  As soon as we signed a contract, I no longer worried.

Rather, I am trusting that the things I am doing and the me that I am being will be what He actually wants and/or will live with.  Sometimes, when we get what we want, we don't want what we get.

Need

I need to be spanked.  I don't know why, but I do.  Unfortunately, I especially dislike needing things when I don't know why I need them.

Last night, I opened my big mouth and said that this whole spanking thing is a bit ridiculous, don't you think?  He just looked over at me.  Ridiculing what we don't understand is a basic human response, isn't it?  This doesn't mean that I don't desire it - I do!

I just don't understand my desire and that makes me think WTH was God thinking when he gave me this particular set of desires?

He said, THIS, this is why it has taken us years to get here - you can never make up your mind.

I wanted to say out loud and balked, somewhat, "We are here!  Put these thoughts out of my mind - take me in hand!"  (I love his hands.)  God, I was being bratty.

Maintenance spankings to commence today (Happy Valentine's Day!) which will be the first spanking in a week, but who's counting?  I suspect, and no, I still don't understand why, that everyone will feel better after.

Waiting is the hardest part

I am not a patient person.  In fact, one might say that I am very impulse oriented.  This trait actually gets me in trouble more often than not, but I also think that it provides a good foil in my relationship with Him.  He is a patient person.  He apparently doesn't feel a need to know about or unwrap a present early.  He can wait to experience pleasure.

So, I have turned over my pleasure to Him and have agreed that He will have the responsibility of training, punishing, loving and using me as He sees fit.  I have agreed that I am not to request to service Him, or if I do, I may face punishment.  Under no circumstances whatsoever, may I ask twice.

This is hard for me.  However, His way has proven correct in this relationship over and over again, so I am trying to learn patience... He did reward me over the weekend for being good.  It is Monday, though, and my anxiety level is starting to register just a bit higher.

We had a fantastic weekend, really spending time together as friends, which is a blessing in any relationship - you have to nurture the friendship as well as the other areas.  I enjoyed it very much.

We just didn't do things within the D/s dynamic and that is fine, yet I still can't help wishing for some of those things.  Because I never fully appreciate what I have.  I am always looking forward to the next thing.  Le sigh.

I was over at this blog this morning and I liked how this couple has days set for "reassurance", which is similar to maintenance, and that SHE has to say, "It is time."  Unfortunately, that probably won't work to train me, because I don't have trouble saying it is time.  I have trouble enjoying the moment and waiting for it to be time.

Is it time?

Internet

In my post yesterday, Is there a class for this?, I talked about the Internet being the opposite of helpful.  I was actually on guard about this, because there was a time when I was faced with the diagnosis of a not great disease.

In the early days after the diagnosis, our search engines were lit up on this disease.  The information and the misinformation was overwhelming and we finally found a kind woman to explain things rationally to us.  And she was quick to advise - stay off the Internet for now.  She was right and now, I can follow information on line without getting freaked out.

I was trying to use that experience here, but when the subject is both titillating and new (and OMG, the pictures!), it is hard to stay away or to use good judgement on things I read and viewed.  I purposely brought it up yesterday to remind myself of the tendency to become overwhelmed in the face of so much information.

Well, to end yesterday, I did find a very good resource for me.  It seems only fair to share.  After reading Bonnie's blog about the weekly Sunday Brunch (a series I enjoy and find informative, thank you Bonnie!), I decided to check out FetLife.  Many of the Brunchers had warned about the drama and such that could be found there, but others talked about it as a resource for all types of interest's.  And what can I say, I am a social networking kind of gal, so I thought I would give it a go.

I signed in, and poked (ha ha) around a bit and eventually, I came upon a popular group for submissive women.  In their sticky note posts at the top, they have a post on mistakes they made when they were new to the lifestyle.  I read them all.

To be honest, the things they said were good advice for any on-line dating or vanilla situation (mostly) and the stories they shared were often just this side of scary (random Dom's, abuse, etc.), but the important parts were as follows:

1.  The tone of most were sane women who care for themselves and their health and their bodies.  To hear a group of women discussing an alternate lifestyle, but still sounding like well, mature adults, was a relief from the slightly perverse (very immature/kind of over the top) Internet world that is too easy to find. 

2.  There were a lot of reminders in there to be honest early on about limits, needs and desires.  That being a "good sub" does not mean doing everything you are asked.  It means taking care of yourself, which in turn takes care of Him.  I recognized my Master in the good Dom's and I know that I am in a really good place with exploring this.

3.  A lot of people (against the perception) are not into poly relationships or scenes.  I still have fantasies about others - but it is a nice reminder that it does not have to be a given.

I want to answer some of the questions from yesterday and have started a few drafts on that, but in the meantime, I found some of the answers in myself through the experience of others.  So, to the long timers out there - I know that having yet ANOTHER newbie, when there seem to be so many, may be tiring - but, we DO need to hear from you.  Your thoughts and experiences and your sanity may feel totally unique, but a random sentence or share may be exactly what someone is looking for/needing to see.

This is a lifestyle that can cause one to confront their background, religious beliefs, family values and societal pressures - a little wigginess would be expected.

I also pledge to do my part in putting out real stuff for those who may be in my shoes on one day or another.

Punished at the Office

I may have been trying to get a bit of a rise out of Him and in fact, He did show up about an hour ago.  He was on His way elsewhere, but He took me into the server room and explained to me one way that I had been rude today.

For those who don't know, I am required to blog, so that I can share and ask questions and learn and hear from others.  I actually have come to love to blog, so I always considered it a blessing that He made it a requirement.  However, I do need to remember to do the interacting piece of it - to be polite in the blogosphere, so to speak.

I misremembered my manners on that account today and I was told to kneel on a chair and received a spanking at His hand.

When He showed up, I was outside and I could see the purpose in His walk.  When I came back in, He was arranging the chair and I asked what He was doing.  He seemed agitated, before, during and after.

We are both agitated today.  For me, I miss the snuggle at night and in the morning that work has stolen from us this week - it has made me anxious and anxious is not conducive to healthy and supportive.  I needed that punishment, but perhaps it is not over yet.  Things still feel a bit unsettled.  And they have for a couple of days.

The Calm

It has been quiet around here.  The maintenance discipline ended and life took over.  Busy month.

He said I seemed disconnected today - He doesn't like that, but I am a little.  Maybe a lot.  It is not that I actually miss the daily spanking, although that did add something to my life.  I find that odd, since I loved it so much, and then it was gone and that was fine.  Except.  It feels like I am going through a sort of adrenaline crash.

I am free to speak my mind, of course I am, but I am trying to respect His timing, His wishes.  And He is justifiably wrapped up in real work issues.  This feels a bit like a new relationship - we have been together so long, but not exactly like this.  So, I am not sure what I would say if I did talk.  It is almost like I want Him to like me.

I do know that I would be honest.  And that's something I always thought I was - something I prided myself on, but the last two weeks have exacted a new honesty in me that I didn't know I had.  That is not the only thing I didn't know I had.

I have become aware of needs I didn't know I had.  I have become aware of my body and it's rhythms - I kind of vibrate right now and the world is viewed a bit askance.  He asked me to turn over the feminine parts of me and I agreed.  Just like that.  (Or 10 years later - whatever.)

So far in following His lead, I have found a new sensuality when I walk, when I stand, how I sit.  I have exalted in a femininity that all women should know.  It is a sensuality that wants to be held in His hand.  Greedily wants it.  All the time.

Alas, the world holds sway today.  That will pass and we will have our time together soon.