I mean, I try to be honest, but I called a "state of the contract" meeting the other night to discuss some misgivings and miscommunications and just plain missing parts related to this M/s contract that we have signed. I approached it from the perspective that we have about one month left and it would be nice if some tweaks were made because I didn't feel very inclined to continue once the end date arrived.
To say he was a bit surprised that I had misgivings would be an understatement. One of his comments, "I read your blog(s) and you seem really happy with how things are going."Whoa. Full stop.
First of all, I can't imagine ever truly being unhappy with H. He is an amazing man who is about the best match I could ever imagine for myself.
Second of all, things would have to be REALLY BAD before I would publicly announce (even in an anonymous blog) that I was unhappy with H. Especially one he reads. That would be very bad form. I like to think that I would talk to him first.
None of that means that I am completely satisfied.
We are stuck at the punishment part of it all. H does not like to punish me. We tried it once and he was not happy with my reaction. And so he doesn't do it. Apparently, I get one chance to react and if it is not how he expects, well, then that goes into the scrap pile.
Two problems with this - many BDSM practices that I fantasize about leave me a bit uncertain during the actual doing (especially the first time), so my reaction is never what he expects. And then I never get to do it again. (Boo, me.)
Second problem - H is a little gun shy on starting something and it makes me a little (a lot!) anxious. (I am now editorializing H's feelings.)
I know that I should not complain that he is so thoughtful and responsive to me, and I am not, I just wish he was hearing my words on some of this stuff and not my first reaction. I have NEVER used or even been close to using my safe word or my veto power. Does that help?
Anyway, back to the punishment. If H won't punish me, what is the point of having rules? When I break them and nothing happens, it leaves me feeling like he doesn't care enough to try. When in reality, he doesn't know what to do with it all.It is kind of an uncompromising situation that destroys the whole premise of the relationship dynamic.
A dynamic that has added so many good things to our lives and that we both would like to continue to explore. But we have to move past this punishment part. Which means no rules. Which means no contract. Which means no spanking? Big Sigh.
So, there you have it. A less rosy picture of what is going on at Kitty and H's house.
I have like, one rule, beyond general respect, which isn't something that has to be put in a rule book, it's just how we are with each other - my rule is no pants in bed.
ReplyDeleteI hardly ever break it. I'm pretty damn good, in general, always have been. I'm not really a rule-breaker or a rebel. (unless it's a stupid, unjust rule of society, then I'm all the hell over it)
I still get lots and lots of spankings. He knows I like spankings, so he spanks me. We're golden.
But I did have to get over that hurdle of "spanking must be for something I've done." And I suppose, for some people, they really need that.
We discovered I don't. Maybe you don't either? "Maintenance" seems to make you pretty happy too.. We don't do that exactly, but a spanking is included in our activities regularly. Nearly nightly.
I'm going to stop talking now. Really.
Hope that helps. :)
I like spankings. He spanks me.
Thank you Conina, for commenting, I knew you would have a great persepctive! The more I think about this, the more I think there is a "Part II" to it. That we need to define this in a less rule-based structure. I like maintenance because it gets it on the schedule, but I would like more, although that may not be realistic in our current energy sphere. Anyway, I think there is more to come from this discussion.
ReplyDeleteI like spankings. He spanks me --- I think we'll get there, but as of yet, we are contracted, which was a start, but is likely not the end.
It did give me blogging though, so that is good.
I'm going to stop talking now. Really. :)
I think you've made a lot of amazing leaps, that honestly took us some years of figuring out. The jump from "spanking must be for something I've done" to "Just, please spank me often, without me having to ask for it. Pretty, pretty please. Make up a reason if you have to," took us probably 3-4 YEARS. Admittedly some of that time was while co-sleeping with baby, so grown-up private time was thin on the ground. So it wasn't as much of a jump as a slow, slow crawl.
DeleteYou're both doing great. :)
LOL - make up a reason if you have to... that is cracking me up.
DeleteYes, we are moving along quickly, but there is much more to go. Mostly, we have gotten this far cause H actually understands me better than I understand myself.
Still trying to get the message of "more" through, though. Sigh.
PS - In re-reading this blog (several hours and a dinner night out later) I really love that I used the words "capitalized half". That is cracking me up too.
DeleteMore wine here please!
I thought the "capitalized half" bit was quite clever, too.
DeleteHe does make up reasons sometimes - like if I am slow to respond to something he says, if I pause to think a bit longer than he likes... WHACK. Not to be harsh or a task-master, but just because sometimes I like a nice lecture of "why the heck can't you listen to me" to go with my spanking.
You're making me smile with your half-drunk amusement though. ;)
Discipline has been a bit of a sticky issue for us as well, Kitty. I'm going to have to consider what you said about needing more than one experience to make up your mind how you feel about it. That's a good point, and like your "capitalized half" I suspect I may be too quick to give up on something based on my wife's immediate reaction. Thanks for the insight!
ReplyDeleteOf course, I know that you have Joy's best interests at heart, just as H does mine, but yeah, I find some of the things I react badly to initially are the things I really want another time. I may even still react badly, but I guess part of submission is doing it anyway. And for me, that gives me the images and warm feelings later.
DeleteNot sure if that makes sense.
If I squint a little and tilt my head to the left, it makes perfect sense! :-)
DeleteKitty,
ReplyDeleteThere's no question that discipline plays a big part in how/why we do ttwd, but unlike many couples we don't have many rules at all. More like agreed upon understandings that surround the 4 D's.
That said, even more than a year in, punishments are hard for him to give. My response is really important and like you, I can really throw him if my response is off. It eats at his confidence.
I'd like to say that we are over it but it's more like a work in progress. What has worked for us is to pick something real specific that we are "working" on and focus on it. He tells me exactly what the consequence will be and then follows through each time. B/c it usually takes me a bit of time to kick a habit, this works well for us. He sticks to his guns and I let life play out. It has increased his confidence in dealing with these little p's and has increased my confidence in him.
Does that make any sense?
Thank you Susie, for sharing your experience. It does make sense and I am glad that progress is possible, but I am little hazy on the way we get past this particular stopping point. I have faith in us, no question, I just don't think this is resolved in one day.
DeleteMy turn to ask if that makes any sense?
Yup it does and nope...no way it gets resolved in one day. LIke you said, you have faith in the two of you. Something will happen and something else will click and it will get resolved. Always happens here, in it's own sweet time.
DeleteWhat if, maybe he just expects you to respect his rules without breaking them? Coincidentally, Cael and I changed a bit over the weekend and punishment isn't going to be very present. Basically it's because our relationship shouldn't be transactional. I should obey because I WANT to obey and because that's what's best for us; not because if I break a rule, I'll be spanked. Do you think your husband is thinking along those lines? Just a thought. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Riley,
DeleteThat is where we are likely going to be getting to... we have agred to go through the contract and figure out where to go from there.
I read your post, sounds like you are in a good place today - I hope your feelings last and Cael rewards them... I am calling that softly submissive (when we don't make a fuss about what they want to do and when it is not sexual).
Looks like things are progressing for you as well! I saw the contract, looks like a great way to fill both of your needs. I'm excited to see where this takes you!
DeleteSoftly submissive...I like the sound of that :)
There are ups and downs for sure... Hope you are well. We are progressing and I am happy right now. :)
Delete