Sick and more sick ...and Desires too

He is so sick.  I am sick too, but not nearly as much as He is.  I am not a natural caretaker, but we had just gotten to a point where the intimacy of our D/s relationship was really kicking in and I miss being close with Him.  I know He misses it too.

This is NOT a complaint, just an acknowledgement that things are on hold for a bit, more or less.  He did provide my maintenance spanking on Tuesday, but we missed Sunday and this morning.  Not for lack of desire - but really, He is sick.  And I wish I could do more to help.

The fact that He is so strong and does not really want help when He is sick has got me thinking about the other aspects of our lives.  He definitely approaches this relationship as a means to pleasure me.  To meet my fantasies.  He responds to things I say I like in life and on these blogs, but other than the dress code, He has never expressed fully what He wants to do to me.  Or what His fantasies are.

I have asked directly, but He has always deflected the question.  So far, I think my fantasies and my experimentation has taken Him in directions that He hadn't previously contemplated, and so that is a good way to approach things.  I also know that He believes He has told me, but words are important to me (and to my sensuality) and actions are harder for me to decipher with certainty.  I am not a mind reader (and neither is He).

I am not sure that I know how to please Him unselfishly.  I have been on a run of reading historical romance novels lately.  I enjoy escapism literature and the historical novels have a submissive aspect to them (because of the time period they are set in) that I am only recently fully appreciating.  (Wink, wink.)

I have also noticed that there is a very compelling case to be made for the more experienced man getting together with the naturally sexual virgin young woman.  He gets to train her on the finer arts of pleasuring Him.  And she is so eager to learn.

I would like to be trained.  I feel eager to learn.

I know that He wants a woman who dresses like a woman.

I know that He wants me to lay down sometimes and shut up, so that He can enjoy licking me and immersing Himself in the smells and tastes.
I know that He appreciates the relaxation and the romance part and that I sometimes rush Him to the fucking.

I know that He wants to be the Man.

I know that He wants a woman who can keep up intellectually and humorously.  One who is successful in all endeavors - her work and her life.

I know that He values loyalty above all else.  He does not countenance disrespectful talk and would be more hurt by me saying disparaging things about Him to others than He would be by sexual infidelity.  Infidelity would hurt too, but not as much as a lack of respect.

Luckily, I have never had a problem with either of those - because I totally love Him and I know that He works hard every day to keep me happy.  So, there is nothing to disparage and I can't imagine even finding another who could meet my many needs.  I have never once felt compelled to try.

For me, it is back to trust... some day, He will trust me enough to open a part that He reserves just for Him and tell me all the things He really really wants.  Without concern for whether or not it is something I want.  Even though we have been together for a decade and we are probably more in tune with each other than with any one who has come before, there are still a few walls.

Maybe on both of O/our parts.