Minefields

People say that we are more disconnected than ever before.  We have Facebook and e-mail, so we *think* we know what is going on with others, but we actually know less.  My thoughts on this are not so much that we are disconnected as we are no longer aware of the rhythms of the lives around us.

When you talk with someone face to face, you can pick up on things that you can't get over the web.  When you see someone regularly, you can know when something is really going right or really going wrong.  And when you have a regular interaction, you can learn the lingo of their lives and know when it is time to step in and override the objections and help out.  The rest of the time, you have a choice - either say nothing at all, or have courage and wade in.

It seems as if everything is just one huge minefield.  It seems like there is no way to say the right thing anymore.  People have unspeakable hardships happen to them, and when you go to comfort, you learn later that what you said was hurtful.  I read a lot of posts on what not to say to Moms whose kids have disabilities, families with cancer, kids who are adopted, people who are getting a divorce, people who are getting married, people who are getting remarried for the third time to their second spouse.  Oh, it just goes on and on.

While it is frustrating to not know what to say, it is frustrating also to feel hurt when someone else did not know what to say to you. A well meaning comment can make me rage at times, but it is a silent rage because there is no context and no time for them to understand why it hurt me so.  I know they don't know what they said was wrong.  But that doesn't stop me from feeling any less hurt, just like the people I inadvertently hurt.  Hurt is real hurt.

But I am just wondering why.  When did we all get so prickly?  Why is it more fun to rage than understand that the other person is trying to connect in an imperfect world of connection?  Is this the way the human race is going to end - in a spout of flaming and outrage?  Do we really think that people are fundamentally mean?

Oh, I don't know why I am writing all this.

Okay, actually I do - I am currently "biting my tongue" on Facebook to a friend who posted for help with her kids this week.  Like it was a huge shock that they were going to be out of school and she didn't know that until yesterday. <--  See the snarkiness?  So mean.  And the only reason I am feeling mean is because of something she said the other day that was well meaning about H.  It just happened to come in at the wrong moment.

I am so very prickly.  Why am I so prickly?  And why is that kind of reaction (not so) subtly encouraged by others?  It is so much more entertaining to be outraged and to watch outrage.  Outrage is humorous and laughter is good.  But meanness is something else altogether.

And we return to our regularly scheduled lives.  A little more wary.  Because there are minefields everywhere and it takes courage to speak anymore.  But, and I believe this fully, we need to speak.  And we need to believe that when others speak, it is from a place of goodness.  Even when it hurts.  Even when it isn't.

Everything is (not) Rosy

Does your capitalized half read your blog?  Mine does and knowing that may have an impact on what I write.

I mean, I try to be honest, but I called a "state of the contract" meeting the other night to discuss some misgivings and miscommunications and just plain missing parts related to this M/s contract that we have signed.  I approached it from the perspective that we have about one month left and it would be nice if some tweaks were made because I didn't feel very inclined to continue once the end date arrived.

To say he was a bit surprised that I had misgivings would be an understatement.  One of his comments, "I read your blog(s) and you seem really happy with how things are going."

Whoa.  Full stop.

First of all, I can't imagine ever truly being unhappy with H.  He is an amazing man who is about the best match I could ever imagine for myself.

Second of all, things would have to be REALLY BAD before I would publicly announce (even in an anonymous blog) that I was unhappy with H.  Especially one he reads.  That would be very bad form.  I like to think that I would talk to him first.

None of that means that I am completely satisfied.

We are stuck at the punishment part of it all.  H does not like to punish me.  We tried it once and he was not happy with my reaction.  And so he doesn't do it.  Apparently, I get one chance to react and if it is not how he expects, well, then that goes into the scrap pile.

Two problems with this - many BDSM practices that I fantasize about leave me a bit uncertain during the actual doing (especially the first time), so my reaction is never what he expects.  And then I never get to do it again.  (Boo, me.)

Second problem - H is a little gun shy on starting something and it makes me a little (a lot!) anxious.  (I am now editorializing H's feelings.)

I know that I should not complain that he is so thoughtful and responsive to me, and I am not, I just wish he was hearing my words on some of this stuff and not my first reaction.  I have NEVER used or even been close to using my safe word or my veto power.  Does that help?

Anyway, back to the punishment.  If H won't punish me, what is the point of having rules?  When I break them and nothing happens, it leaves me feeling like he doesn't care enough to try.  When in reality, he doesn't know what to do with it all.

It is kind of an uncompromising situation that destroys the whole premise of the relationship dynamic.

A dynamic that has added so many good things to our lives and that we both would like to continue to explore.  But we have to move past this punishment part.  Which means no rules.  Which means no contract.  Which means no spanking?  Big Sigh.

So, there you have it.  A less rosy picture of what is going on at Kitty and H's house.

Because I am a Witch

I once saw a thing that said, tone over the Internet is hard to decipher, so when in doubt, just assume I am a bitch.

There is a vulnerability in D/d, I have seen many posts on it and I have felt it myself.  Maybe it is because we are trying something so different than many of us thought of when we were young.  Or maybe it is because, for the first time for many of us, we are being honest, even if we are being anonymous.

Anyway:  vulnerability + blog town = some miscommunication.

Add in the fact that I am naturally sarcastic and I find myself treading in comments really carefully and even pre-emptively apologizing.  I have hurt people without intention in face to face conversations, so I am sure that possibility exists here x10.

I joke when I say assume I am a bitch, when in reality, I am exactly the opposite, concerned almost too much about what others think.

Which puts me in mind of a bumper sticker I saw - Don't worry about what other people think, they don't do it that often.

Just something I was thinking about as I was lurking through blog town tonight.

Why Blog?

Lil at Submissive Sanctuary wrote on who she is blogging for today and it reminded me that I had been meaning to say something about this topic.  She does a nice job of describing how a blog changes when people start reading it, and I hope she doesn't mind if I add a thought or two.

One thing that I see in myself (and perhaps others) is the tendency to track readers.  Sex and drama, that brings them back.  Oh, and good pictures.

I was actually pleased today to find that someone had hit my submission blog after searching for:

"submissive wife" stockings dress -sissy -cuckold

 

What was that person looking for?  And more importantly, did they find it?  If it is you, please send me an e-mail at kittythesubmissivewife at gee mail and let me know!

 

I blogged initially because it was in the contract.  I was required to do so.  I see a lot of people with this requirement and I think that it has been helpful to me and to H.  He does not approve my blogs, but He does read them all after they post.  He never comments on them, which annoys me - like He gets to know what I think, but I don't get to hear His thoughts.  Oh wait, this IS a power exchange.  Never mind, H, I am not complaining.  :)

 

If I speak out of turn about something personal, I expect He would let me know, but so far, I have been allowed to have my own thoughts. This is not a comment on others who have blog approval requirements, but I have to believe that my stuff would read differently if H had to approve it first.

 

We would lose something in the honesty.

 

I also blog because I have had several pent up sexual questions inside of me for years and finally being allowed, nay encouraged, to air them has been like a breath of fresh air.  Funny thing is, I didn't know they were there until I had an outlet.  Kind of like seat warmers in the car.  If you have them, you know what I mean.

 

It turns out that blogging is not only about writing, but also about reading what others have to say and learning from them... Hey H, did you know you could make a butt plug out of some kind of root???  Please feel free to tell me if you have already explored a topic that I am writing about - I am here to learn as well as to share.

 

But, after all that, I blog for me.

 

This is a journal; it is a topical one about submission, sex, H and I.  Nothing more. 

 

Thank you for sharing our journey.

Spankings, Spankings Everywhere

I think Maintenance Spankings are becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.  Pun intended.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE knowing that no matter what, three times a week I am getting my bottom smacked.  I don't know why I love that, I just know I do.  H and I have both accepted that.  And I hope they continue to be a priority

However, let's talk about the last four spankings I have had:

Saturday on vacation - our first outdoor adventure.  We were hiking and found a quiet place that I thought, well, this would be perfect for a spanking.  H thought so too, but then He decided to scout about a bit more for an even better place... and well, we ran into a thousand other hikers.  (Okay, not a thousand, but a few seemed like a lot when you are thinking about an outdoor spanking.)

Eventually, we found our way back to the original quiet place and even though it wasn't as quiet, we went ahead and did it.  After, we heard people above us who may not have seen anything, but they were likely to have heard it.  I have a great picture H took of me right after, where my shoulders are dropped, my head is down and my bottom is bare.  The relaxing of the body compared to the picture before the spanking is very apparent.

Rating - Good.  Up for being out doors; Down for being frustrated by the search for the perfect spot.

Sunday on vacation - this was the morning after the Lap Dance and we were both a little "dry" from too much alcohol the night before.  The hotel had no in-room amenities, so H was on His way downstairs to find some water and coffee.  He said, "I need some water and to take my pills."

Knowing how long the lines were downstairs and that He would be in a rush to get out the door to our tee time when He got back, I said, "What about my spanking?"  Sunday is a maintenance day.

He said, "Bend over."

"Right now??"

"Yes.  I need some water and to take my pills."  Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack...

And then He left to get some water and to take His pills.

Rating - Fair.  No touching, talking or kissing.  Of course, later in the day, H said that He thought it was kind of fun.  Like remembering to turn off the oven before running out the door.  Hmmm...

Tuesday back at home - A quickie that I already detailed.

Rating - Good.  It happened and I got coffee.  :)

Thursday (today) at home - Last night, H told me he had an early appointment and my first thought was what about my maintenance spanking?  He said we would just have to get up early.  Well, J (our son) also got up early, making me all kinds of crabby.  I get on a mission sometimes about this spanking business.

H turned on the music in the kitchen and I got J eating his breakfast.  I came in the back where H had music on as well and closed the door to the office, ready to be spanked.

And H decided to dance with me.  He likes to dance, and I get that, but I was on a schedule... J can eat fast.

Frustrated, I pushed H back a bit and gave a really bitchy sigh.  So, H leaned me over and smacked away.  Then He touched my breasts and it was an amazing feeling.  And then we went on about our day.  I am not as stressed, but still, it felt a bit rushed and H was foiled in his romantic attempts.

(This puts me in mind of last night's post, on what does submission feel like, I am wondering if giving into H on the issue of romance would be submission to me?  I think it might, but I digress.)

Rating - Good.  Up for the touching, dancing and kissing; down for the worry about J and the tight scheduling.

Conclusion - Maintenance spanking is desirable for my moods right now, but I am just a little too worried about making sure it happens.  Perhaps I don't trust H to make it a priority and I am not sure if that is fair or not.

Also, it seems to be replacing sex as we have had less and less of that lately, but I need to withhold judgement on that - energy at the end of the day is so not what it once was between vacation activities, busy times at work and busy schedule for J.

Sex after the spanking - that is definitely something I want.  We have energy in the morning and spanking gets my whole body tingling.  The cuddling, touching, etc. just further inflames my desire.  I have only been allowed two blow jobs since we began maintenance and it is not enough.  I suspect H thinks that if we have sex then, nothing else will get done the whole day.

Spanking with the sex - that is also desired - H was rubbing me last night to help me relax and I kept thinking, "A good smack would be nice right about now."

Oh, who knew that I was such a spanko?

And to make a long post even longer - I have no way to end this other than to reiterate my beginning - I think Maintenance Spankings are becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.

All pictures courtesy Spank-OTK on Tumbler.

Are you okay?

One of the things I do over and over and over is ask H, "Are you okay?"

I know it annoys Him.  I ask so much that it even annoys me.  I used to just ask Him in regards to His mood and His health, but lately, I have been asking if He is okay with spanking me.

He keeps saying, "You already asked me that.  I am fine."  I wonder when He is going to make a rule about asking, since it is getting so tiresome.

I started contemplating why I would keep asking.  He says He is fine.  He is doing it and seems to be in tune with it.  I wondered if I was asking because I was looking for a different answer.

Example: "You know, I never imagined that I would spank a full grown woman and it is really causing me to face up to a few things about myself."

Example 2:  "I actually hate it, but I am willing to do it because I love you."

Example 3:  "No, I am not okay."

So, the question is, why would I be looking for a different answer?  It clearly doesn't exist.  Trust me, I have asked.

Maybe I am just hoping to have a little drama open up.  Drama is so much more interesting than having everything work, isn't it?  Sigh.

The only other thing I can think is that I am not sure that I am fully accepting of this part of me.  This raging desire to feel submission.

And if I don't accept myself, why would He do it?  Of course, that is ludicrous, but I have a little history of projecting my own insecurities onto loved ones.

And while I am on the subject, I don't think I have felt submission.  Dressing according to rules, kneeling before Him, receiving spankings, giving blow jobs on demand (or more likely, when I ask), etc. does not make me feel submissive.  It makes me feel like me.

What does submissive feel like?

Breaking a Woman - Part I

I have risen from my bed tonight because I was tossing and turning.  I HAD to write this.  But it is a very touchy subject and I pray that I handle it in the way I need to.  It has at least two parts.  Maybe more.

There are many ways to break a woman.

This is what is scary.

Centuries of evolution have brought women to a point where (American) society accepts that they can stand on their own.  They can speak their own mind.  They can be whatever they make of themselves.

But even then, there are many women whose spirits are beaten down.  Their men break them. And not in a good way.

We pour our time, our hearts and our money into helping women who find themselves on the wrong side of an unequal relationship.  A non-consensual relationship where, in the search for acceptance and love, they have been systematically broken.  And without help, they often can not escape.

The patterns of domestic abuse are well documented - isolation from friends and family; periods of tension followed by increasingly painful abuse and punishment; followed by a period of reconciliation or the Honeymoon phase.  Often the tension and punishments come out of nowhere - a towel isn't hung right; a sentence isn't phrased correctly.  She never knows when a misstep will bring back the anger and the pain.

She is told she can not leave, she is His.

In sharp contrast to that situation, centuries of evolution have also brought women to a point where they struggle to feel feminine within their "equality".  They crave a masculine presence and strong guidance.

If they can match this craving with a willing partner, they express it privately, often away from friends and family; through a negotiated list of behaviors followed by agreed upon punishments and a period of reconciliation or aftercare.  The punishments may still come out of nowhere - a towel isn't hung right; a sentence isn't phrased correctly.

I will say this once and leave it be - just because you negotiated and agreed to something does not mean you consented.  If you agree because you feel you have to in the name of acceptance and love, that does not mean you consented.  And if this is the only lifestyle you have ever known, you were raised this way, I will always find it hard to believe that you consented.  If you are in one of these relationships and you did not consent - I beg you to seek assistance now.

I hope you know that there IS a difference - intellectually and in my bones, I do.  But, I, for one, still struggle with the conditioning of my generation and the fact that this D/s relationship so completely mirrors the cycle of abuse.  Sometimes when I picture where a submissive dynamic can and does go, I picture the wrong version.

I watch blogs that I follow like a hawk for tell-tale signs of abuse, not consent.  It feels like a line we walk.

So for this part, Part I of Breaking a Woman, I wish to interject a different image for when I picture where this can and does go.  The following video is what came to my mind.

To me, being broken is noble, it is nature, it is poetry - it is two creatures displaying a union of strengths without abuse or belittling of either participant. Both are strong, but One is in charge.  THIS - this is the image that I think of when I talk about submission. Being broken - in a majestic way.

To be continued...

Sick and more sick ...and Desires too

He is so sick.  I am sick too, but not nearly as much as He is.  I am not a natural caretaker, but we had just gotten to a point where the intimacy of our D/s relationship was really kicking in and I miss being close with Him.  I know He misses it too.

This is NOT a complaint, just an acknowledgement that things are on hold for a bit, more or less.  He did provide my maintenance spanking on Tuesday, but we missed Sunday and this morning.  Not for lack of desire - but really, He is sick.  And I wish I could do more to help.

The fact that He is so strong and does not really want help when He is sick has got me thinking about the other aspects of our lives.  He definitely approaches this relationship as a means to pleasure me.  To meet my fantasies.  He responds to things I say I like in life and on these blogs, but other than the dress code, He has never expressed fully what He wants to do to me.  Or what His fantasies are.

I have asked directly, but He has always deflected the question.  So far, I think my fantasies and my experimentation has taken Him in directions that He hadn't previously contemplated, and so that is a good way to approach things.  I also know that He believes He has told me, but words are important to me (and to my sensuality) and actions are harder for me to decipher with certainty.  I am not a mind reader (and neither is He).

I am not sure that I know how to please Him unselfishly.  I have been on a run of reading historical romance novels lately.  I enjoy escapism literature and the historical novels have a submissive aspect to them (because of the time period they are set in) that I am only recently fully appreciating.  (Wink, wink.)

I have also noticed that there is a very compelling case to be made for the more experienced man getting together with the naturally sexual virgin young woman.  He gets to train her on the finer arts of pleasuring Him.  And she is so eager to learn.

I would like to be trained.  I feel eager to learn.

I know that He wants a woman who dresses like a woman.

I know that He wants me to lay down sometimes and shut up, so that He can enjoy licking me and immersing Himself in the smells and tastes.
I know that He appreciates the relaxation and the romance part and that I sometimes rush Him to the fucking.

I know that He wants to be the Man.

I know that He wants a woman who can keep up intellectually and humorously.  One who is successful in all endeavors - her work and her life.

I know that He values loyalty above all else.  He does not countenance disrespectful talk and would be more hurt by me saying disparaging things about Him to others than He would be by sexual infidelity.  Infidelity would hurt too, but not as much as a lack of respect.

Luckily, I have never had a problem with either of those - because I totally love Him and I know that He works hard every day to keep me happy.  So, there is nothing to disparage and I can't imagine even finding another who could meet my many needs.  I have never once felt compelled to try.

For me, it is back to trust... some day, He will trust me enough to open a part that He reserves just for Him and tell me all the things He really really wants.  Without concern for whether or not it is something I want.  Even though we have been together for a decade and we are probably more in tune with each other than with any one who has come before, there are still a few walls.

Maybe on both of O/our parts.

Trust

Note:  This post is more of a musing than a desire.  All day, when I thought of posting, I thought about trust, but I thought of it from several different viewpoints throughout the day.  I found that interesting and so, in the end, I decided to just ponder trust itself.

It is all about trust, isn't it?  From the moment you meet someone, there are a series of cliffs you jump off as relationships progress.  Some people reach a cliff that they can't take and the relationship ends.  Others (God knows why) continue to move forward.  Your first kiss, your first sexual experience, marriage, family - Trust.

The cliffs eventually come further and further apart and finally, you settle into a life together.  You may see the ugly head of jealousy appear once in a while, but you are not asked to really leap like you were in the beginning.

And then something happens.

Someone changes.

It is no one's fault - people change.  Sometimes, one person's heart takes them in a new direction.  Whether or not they follow that direction, trust is lost.  Love has changed and it is not what it was.

Sometimes, it is not their heart that moves, but their desires.  They admit to themselves, and maybe to their partner, a need.  The need takes on legendary proportions because it is the first time, in a long time, that there has been a cliff.

I guess a desire is still an action of the heart.

When two people really love each other, they will do most anything to try and grow together.  To adjust to the changes of one or the other.  And sometimes it works out.

But, mostly, we don't hear those stories.

This story will be one of the ones that works out, if I have anything to say about it.

But in the meantime, I am working on my trust.  Not that I am worried about others (for a change).  Actually, those fears that have plagued me for years have actually completely vanished.  As soon as we signed a contract, I no longer worried.

Rather, I am trusting that the things I am doing and the me that I am being will be what He actually wants and/or will live with.  Sometimes, when we get what we want, we don't want what we get.

D*mn underwear

As previously mentioned, I mostly haven't been wearing underwear.  I know, TMI.  But, every few days or so, I do, because well, I think I should.  Like today.  I was going to church, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.  God and all that.

Anyway, I have been hitching them up and pulling them out of my ass ALL DAY.  Which has been making me grouchy.  AND, I am not even sure if God cares whether or not I wear underwear - according to some interpretations of the bible, I am supposed to be submissive to my Husband.  Thank you, God, for your wise advice (in my case) on this matter.

Yes, I will be shucking those panties sooner rather than later.

One of the reasons I have been hitching them up is because I am randomly losing weight.  Now, I am not a petite woman.  As my dad so elegantly put it once, "We come from good peasant stock."  I have boobs and even at my healthiest weight, I am never going to be slender.  I am not currently at my healthiest weight.

Luckily, I am married to a man who loves curves, so I don't worry about it too much.  But all of a sudden, I have lost eight pounds over the last two weeks.  Eight pounds.  Randomly.  If I could bottle whatever is happening and sell it, I could be a millionaire.

I HAVE noticed that lately, I stop eating when I am full.  I am also drinking less.  (Okay, eat and drink less - that makes sense to the weight loss, but why this change in behavior, she wonders?)

The only thing I can figure is that I am finding a more complete satisfaction in my life lately.  Especially since this change in relationship dynamic.  I never had complaints before about our sex life (none!), but it feels like an intimacy hole has been plugged.  A missing piece that we didn't know was gone has been found.  For me, letting go and fully trusting.  Letting someone else have control.

That is pretty fantastic!

Except... I am not happy about losing the weight.  I know, most women generally have something to say that is not positive about their bodies.  And of course, there ARE things I would like to change.

But, more importantly, I have recently purchased a number of really cute skirts and other items and dang it, I want to wear them.  I noticed that I was hitching up the one I was wearing today as well as the underwear... Shit.  You can't be sexy in clothes that don't fit!

Speaky of body image, all women are sexy in their own way.  Especially if you make sure to keep moving and keep your brain growing.  IMO.  I get a little distressed when people engage in discipline dynamics over weight, but I will not judge, since I am enjoying my own discipline dynamic over attire.  Truly, no judgement.  Happy Sunday!

The 50's? Yes, Sir.

Okay, first of all - I never believed that there was really a perfect time in America.  But everything the 50's certainly seems to be shown to us in a very positive light.  And I have to tell you, I got the 50's on my mind.

Kid's playing outside, men in hats, cigarettes and cocktails were sexy, and of course - the women.

Not me

The curvy bodies, the just below knee length skirts, the serviceable heels... the smiles - what a great time to look like a woman!  My newest skirts have that swishy feel to them that make my curves feel sexy and (gasp) make boots feel so overdone.  I NEED some pumps.

Seriously, is that the kind of thing we should be saying out loud?  I know this is a sex blog, but it might be too much.  Way too shocking.  I want to go out, right now, today and find a cute pump.

Oh, and every time I put on hose (which I have done several times over the last few weeks, but for the first time in the last 10 years), I picture old movies that I used to watch with my mom.  You know, the ones with the sassy heroine that pulls her stockings up over her legs ever so slowly?  Often that is all you would see - behind a screen or on a bed or whatever.  Yummy.

So, here's to the 50's girls - I am loving you!  Or at least my image of you that may or may not be realistic.

PS - There is a really fabulous collection of short stories, The Stories of John Cheever, that I read last year that started me in this frame of mind and then who knew, but our sojourn into this M/s relationship has firmly planted my body there.  A 50's bod with a millennium lifestyle.  How fun is that?

Internet

In my post yesterday, Is there a class for this?, I talked about the Internet being the opposite of helpful.  I was actually on guard about this, because there was a time when I was faced with the diagnosis of a not great disease.

In the early days after the diagnosis, our search engines were lit up on this disease.  The information and the misinformation was overwhelming and we finally found a kind woman to explain things rationally to us.  And she was quick to advise - stay off the Internet for now.  She was right and now, I can follow information on line without getting freaked out.

I was trying to use that experience here, but when the subject is both titillating and new (and OMG, the pictures!), it is hard to stay away or to use good judgement on things I read and viewed.  I purposely brought it up yesterday to remind myself of the tendency to become overwhelmed in the face of so much information.

Well, to end yesterday, I did find a very good resource for me.  It seems only fair to share.  After reading Bonnie's blog about the weekly Sunday Brunch (a series I enjoy and find informative, thank you Bonnie!), I decided to check out FetLife.  Many of the Brunchers had warned about the drama and such that could be found there, but others talked about it as a resource for all types of interest's.  And what can I say, I am a social networking kind of gal, so I thought I would give it a go.

I signed in, and poked (ha ha) around a bit and eventually, I came upon a popular group for submissive women.  In their sticky note posts at the top, they have a post on mistakes they made when they were new to the lifestyle.  I read them all.

To be honest, the things they said were good advice for any on-line dating or vanilla situation (mostly) and the stories they shared were often just this side of scary (random Dom's, abuse, etc.), but the important parts were as follows:

1.  The tone of most were sane women who care for themselves and their health and their bodies.  To hear a group of women discussing an alternate lifestyle, but still sounding like well, mature adults, was a relief from the slightly perverse (very immature/kind of over the top) Internet world that is too easy to find. 

2.  There were a lot of reminders in there to be honest early on about limits, needs and desires.  That being a "good sub" does not mean doing everything you are asked.  It means taking care of yourself, which in turn takes care of Him.  I recognized my Master in the good Dom's and I know that I am in a really good place with exploring this.

3.  A lot of people (against the perception) are not into poly relationships or scenes.  I still have fantasies about others - but it is a nice reminder that it does not have to be a given.

I want to answer some of the questions from yesterday and have started a few drafts on that, but in the meantime, I found some of the answers in myself through the experience of others.  So, to the long timers out there - I know that having yet ANOTHER newbie, when there seem to be so many, may be tiring - but, we DO need to hear from you.  Your thoughts and experiences and your sanity may feel totally unique, but a random sentence or share may be exactly what someone is looking for/needing to see.

This is a lifestyle that can cause one to confront their background, religious beliefs, family values and societal pressures - a little wigginess would be expected.

I also pledge to do my part in putting out real stuff for those who may be in my shoes on one day or another.

Is there a class for this?

Today, I was wondering - is there a class for this?  A couples seminar where W/we can go and have training on how to know exactly what the O/other wants?  Or maybe, more appropriately, what I want.

Not a book, not an Internet search - an honest class.  Maybe with breakout sessions on how to respect the HOH and how to paddle the darling wife.

And yes, I am sure there is a class - I am not sure if W/we are ready to attend it.

The trick is really what do I want?  I find it interesting that I now look at people and wonder if their lives wouldn't improve just a bit from having a spanking.  In a good way - not a spiteful one. :)  It feels better than therapy.

My life sure is improved, a bit of an uncomfortable realization, but yes, I NEED to be spanked, at least right now.

Oh, I have so many questions - and frankly, I don't think the Internet is being so helpful right now.  The range of behavior related to DD, D/s, BDSM, etc. is so broad and there are a lot of rules.  I have done way too much random Internet searching - so much so that I can't see clearly through my own thoughts without picturing other's variation of play.

I imagine that is typical, so I may take a bit of a hiatus from the random searching while He and I continue to figure out the rules.  In the meantime, the questions.  Oh, the questions.

I am just going to brainstorm them below:

1. Is there a class for this?
2. Now that I have unlocked this previously unknown need - will it always HAVE to be met?
3. What if I don't really want to do it?  Yet, I feel (and so does He) that I NEED to do it?
4. What if He is not able to always physically provide spanking?
5. I am not sure that the soap in the mouth or the writing lines piece of some people's lives totally makes sense - is it okay that I relate to discipline from a sexual dynamic as well?
6. What if He doesn't appreciate that sexual role or what if He finds He doesn't want to provide the discipline?  (Refer back to question 2.)
7. What happens when a feminist friend that I totally agree with on many things finds out?
8. Why does my interminable dance with Christianity make more sense now?  (Uggghhhhh.)
9. Can I switch Him to a HOH and still have a Master?
10. Why do I crave a HOH - is there really an undisciplined part to many women's natures?  Or is there just an undisciplined part to Kitty's nature?  (The second one sounds better - but honestly, it feels related to being female for me - I cringe as I type that.)
11. Those poor men that NEED to be spanked as well - in a world of the submissive M/f - is someone taking care of them?
12. Can I accept my DD side and my feminist side?

Maybe if I ever find a version of an answer to one of these, I can blog about that someday.  Sounds like a funny story or two could come out of it.

I hope that you don't think that I am coming completely unhinged with these questions - really, I can't stop my brain and you can see that my head is a bit all over the place.  Much more since the Maintenance Discipline ended.  Much less since I got punished yesterday.  Which pretty much makes the whole point, doesn't it?

It all started...

It all started on Friday, a few weeks ago.  That Friday was the first full day of my contract with Him.  In accordance with the contract, I was dressed in a skirt, suspender nylons, heels, a lace bra. I was at work.  I was turned on.  The thought of my ass through the suspender nylons just amazed me.

Suspender Nylons from Leg Avenue - a Fantastic Product

I was never an ass girl until He came into my life.  The way He holds it, rubs it and reacts to it makes me love my ass.  And I was so aware of my ass that day.

It was day one and He came by three times.  Twice, He fingered me to orgasm.  He let me suck Him.  It was a great day.

In my head, though, I pictured Him leaning me over the desk and spanking it.  My ass.  Spanking it hard.  He pictured fucking it.  Hard.  Similar - not the same.

I did not expect the visuals to go in different directions - ones neither of U/us is opposed to, but different.  I don't think He expected that either.

That was the beginning.  We are totally figuring this out on the fly - which makes Him a bit nervous and me a bit impatient.  But we are figuring it out.

I will continue to indulge in blogging as I work my way through it with Him.

The Calm

It has been quiet around here.  The maintenance discipline ended and life took over.  Busy month.

He said I seemed disconnected today - He doesn't like that, but I am a little.  Maybe a lot.  It is not that I actually miss the daily spanking, although that did add something to my life.  I find that odd, since I loved it so much, and then it was gone and that was fine.  Except.  It feels like I am going through a sort of adrenaline crash.

I am free to speak my mind, of course I am, but I am trying to respect His timing, His wishes.  And He is justifiably wrapped up in real work issues.  This feels a bit like a new relationship - we have been together so long, but not exactly like this.  So, I am not sure what I would say if I did talk.  It is almost like I want Him to like me.

I do know that I would be honest.  And that's something I always thought I was - something I prided myself on, but the last two weeks have exacted a new honesty in me that I didn't know I had.  That is not the only thing I didn't know I had.

I have become aware of needs I didn't know I had.  I have become aware of my body and it's rhythms - I kind of vibrate right now and the world is viewed a bit askance.  He asked me to turn over the feminine parts of me and I agreed.  Just like that.  (Or 10 years later - whatever.)

So far in following His lead, I have found a new sensuality when I walk, when I stand, how I sit.  I have exalted in a femininity that all women should know.  It is a sensuality that wants to be held in His hand.  Greedily wants it.  All the time.

Alas, the world holds sway today.  That will pass and we will have our time together soon.